Lost at sea

My life has alwaus been crazy, been im survival sonce i was 6 years old. 35+ now and covid turned all our libes upside down. I was an already introverted person escaping a roxoc relationship to only end up in lock down with 2 more toxic ppl. Theres a lot of blah, blah, blah ro my past and all that *** that i just rather not in this post at the koment because that is not what this is about.

The problem?

I failed to pay attention to how much it really effected me or how ive changed.

Ive become, and i put things blunlty, cold, briken, detached, uncaring and one could say in overdrive of survival mode where my fangs are the firdt thing to be bared every time. 

So, this is step one. Knowing i have the ability to change this and how the toxics ones scars can only be blamed and the exscus for so long... but i always clumsly have gotten through all my tough *** alone, barely holding my head above water

Now? Ive gotten myself into trouble becauae of my own behaviour and i was ALREADY activly trying to acounter whats happening to me. But just like in my past, i have no freaking clue what to do,or how to actually start or even what to do with my own persona emotional/mental with spikes wall ive seemed to built around myself while i wasnt lookong. Ive alwaglys had to figure everything out on my own....and i just dint want to anymore....

Im tired....i dont want to be like a dog whos been kicked and abused to rhe point where i will try to bite anyone who even glances at me. But i struggle, i feel like i have this sludge on me now.

Sorry if this seems disorginized and chatoic, midnifht writing this and there a lot of "noise" in my kind right now. 

I hope, even just reading and being here.to start is a good first step will help even just a little.

I hope for anyone who read this and relates, ur ocean finds a calm and u no longer are lost at sea