Mean to my dad (Trigger: mention of depression and thoughts)
I'm so mean to my father, and j don't know why. He is sweet and kind most of the times, but he's just so overbearing during a bad day, and just doesn't know how to give ppl space at all despite me telling him. It's so awkward and I get so mean and then guilt comes to me and I hv crazy thoughts like what if he dies before I ever learn to treat him nicely and etc. And recently I've decided not to let myself feel so much guilt, but I really don't get what's wrong. Why is this happening? It doesn't happen with any other family members. Yes, there was a time when my dad or kinda both my parents were linked to my depression, and it was horrible, suicidal depression, but it was 2.5 yrs ago, and these years hv been healing so I even think I'm gradually starting to forgive them, and they r better parents ngl. So I'm just so tired. Between his stupid inappropriate jokes that my culture has defined as appropriate and my raging anger towards the male behavior towards women, plus him not rlly giving me space, and I feel obliged to love my father instead of rlly loving him sometimes which can be so irritating. It's so confusing. I don't even what to do or how to be responsible for my behavior. Normally in my healing I've always somewhat known the next step, but now I don't know. I've always had this thing of never getting to close to the ppl I hurt bcoz I wanted to fully process my emotions and only then get closer to them to actually be better. So I avoided him even when I felt okay, bcoz I didn't want to create an expectation that I'd always be able to be nice. But a few days ago I tried to stop doing that with both my father and myself, but now I again feel mean and I don't know why. An outside perspective would be welcome, please.
@reservedVase8999
I hear you. Relationships with parents can be so difficult. Expectations of ourselves can really get in the way.
Its really great to hear how you have been earning on yourself and forgiving them for the past. I ended up you have forgiven yourself. For me, doing a forgiveness exercise on myself was my biggest break thru in my relationship with my mum. That, and learning how to be a listener and applying that to my mum. I found the listener principles to be a good way to be there for her, in a way that was easier for me.
But it's also OK to look after yourself by taking a break from them. You really can't help someone else before you care for yourself
Thank u for hearing me out and giving your perspective. And yes, I still am proud of myself for making progress. I'm so glad ur relationship with ur mum is better, I hope u are both doing well. And yes, I will try taking some space and time for myself when needed