reservedVase8999 Member Profile

I just wanna be taken care of

General Support / by reservedVase8999

August 20th

Tired, Ocd, Mom

General Support / by reservedVase8999

July 25th

...See more Hii. So ive been wanting to vent for quite a while now. I'm so tired. My mom keeps being chaotic, tho I know she means well it constantly drains my energy and my mood. Also suddenly memories from a past time are surfacing and it's so strange abd subtle and weird. I don't know what my emotions wanna tell me, but I'm too scared to sit with them even tho I tried. Also I don't experience catharsis on crying for the past two years. It's really hard to express my emotions. And to top it it off I hv neurodivergence, which is why I constantly crash after school, and I'm so tired of OCd constantly being excluded in neurodivergent spaces. The good part is my friends and My self-love, but idk other parts like chaos in my family and other things just feel unstable. My parents aren't bad but it's really hard to accept that I'm never getting a second pair of parents to be there for me. It's also my psychological need to stay up late to control at least this keeps clashing with my biological circadian rhythm and I keep staying up late. But they don't wanna understand. Where're I try to explain it's like I'm facing a wall of constant advice and misunderstanding. Also everyone thinks I'm straight, but I'm really not. And this is dark but I like pretending I am bcoz I don't want to be hurt. In my head I've never, ever been ashamed of liking girls. Not when I was a kid, and not now. But outside of my head, putting any other label feels so strange. Ofc my friends and family know that I'm an ally, but nothing beyond that. And first I thought it was okay, but it's getting really tiring to put 'he' or 'they' pronouns to refer to some crushes. Also I've not even been able to open up to any therapists. I think I'm also just not able ti trust guys in any form, whether it be brother or friend or crush. I've become so wary after experiencing so much. I'm not saying I hv anything against guys, but warmness tends to build after a few experiences. Also I get really irritated when my family refers to my "future husband" or whatever, especially in a phase when I'm not even feeling any genuine attraction towards them. Also I'm really scared of change abd the sudden internal emotions even if subtle and the resurfacing of memories is really scary after all the change already. I just want stability, but maybe a part of me wants freshness too. Also, if any of u hv ideas on how to sustain my peace along with my relationship with my mom, that be helpful (I've tried talking to her and it's only further drained me btw) Anyways so thank u for listening. Sometimes I just get so tired of this world, this society.

Overwhelmed

General Support / by reservedVase8999

June 2nd

...See more Hi I didn't know what else to label this post. The truth is life I'd good, but my vacations just ended😭. I really love how my personal life is, and thought of juggling my self love and relations and story writing and relaxation and fun and nature along with Sats, and school exams, and uni prep a d a program is really getting on my head. I wish I could tell myself m, this will be over in a month, but it won't. This month my program will end, but exams will start. Then exams will end and Sats will start. Then Sats will end and uni prep will start! And u all know how hectic uni is ! And all in all the thought of juggling sk much together seems so hard and I feel so annoyed. Of course there are plans I tried to make but even looking at them doesn't give me motivation. It feels like I'm just meeting halfway, instead of doing what I desire, which I don't even know what it is!! I guess I'm just really mad at hustle culture. Even the personal time I do manage to get ppl expect me to prioritize other things over it. It's not even really about ppl. I don't know what I'm saying. I guess I'm just saying I'm tired of the workload once ur short vacation quickly ends

Venting about..life

General Support / by reservedVase8999

March 20th

...See more I'm so tired of explaining. Tired of caring. I still don't why everyone's words keep getting in my head. I want to move at my own pace but no one will let me. Everyone thinks they can decide for me what I'd important and what is not. I hate it. I hate it. Since I was young my parents have always labeled me as the "lazy girl" yeah right the lazy girl who had to get out of their depression on her own, who had tp get out of a toxic relationship and build good friendships and self love all over. The girl who managed to get above average grades even when going thru ***. I know I work hard. Maybe I don't toil for hours at a stretch but I still build consistent self love, I had to heal myself and I still managed to study. And when I had to let go of all toxic coping mechanisms, the least toxic of them I had left was TV. It's still being hard to let go. But no one ever seems to understand. Whether I take time tp eat or watch tv for a few hours during my VACATIONS or I don't study "enohgh" it's always something I HAVE to get better at and improve even if it's something so little. With the weight of healing off my shoulders, I feel the weight of the world on mine. Learning to be an adult is scary as it is, without believing what everyone says my whole life. Yes, I probably don't study as much as others but that doesn't mean that I deserve to be criticized for studying a little less. Well, my teachers certainly don't seem to think I'm not as "hardworking" or "dedicated" as the rest of my classmates. It's so hard, teenagehood, as it is, without adults blowing down on our necks. Even my therapist out of nowhere began discussing how "hard" I need to work or where I'm headed in the future whereas that never was any of y therapy goals and I fet so uncomfortable discussing it I care about discussing my emotions and my relationship with myself and others, not talk about my academics right in the middle of therapy. And I'm trying so hard to research and meet and plan all my university goals. My parents aren't helping me at all so I wonder why they're talking about my "future". Why is humanity such that only professional things can be pictured as true success and happiness. Why is everyone so oriented towards work and why do they force everyone to care as much as they do, even when we're trying our best. I was crying while typing this and yeah..I guess my venting is done..but now it's started to get in my head that I'm not "hardworking" enough and it really suvks.

Can't find listener

7 Cups Online Therapy / by reservedVase8999

January 31st

Subtle emotional hurt

General Support / by reservedVase8999

January 4th

...See more It's been so long with many ups and downs. I'm good, but them I'm hurting. I don't know where to start but I hv this underlying guilt abt stuff like somewhere in my brain there's such a misalignment of circumstances and the person I am there's a belief that I'm the worst and the worst things are happening to me maybe bcoz I wanna prove i can be loved even tho I'm the worst or something like that? But lately it's been changing. I feel like I'm making so much progress whether it's not spiraling ,not getting jealous of my ex anymore or understanding myself better. But even thru all this I'm so so tired *** I'm like why just why is there this subtle emotional pain always thru everything and I've been thru enough I'm do tired I've suffered long enough and even tho I'm making better decisions my emotions aren't getting better they seem stuck like some dull ache in my body abd god I'm so tired snd I tell my therapist a lot but sometimes I doubt she's the right one for me. Sometimes I leave the sessions feeling more confused and heavy than clear. And then I feel guilt for some emotions but then I hv to remind myself that no, I deserve to live a good life no matter what my feelings are or who I am. But still It shcks and feels like a subtle never ending loop of darkness abd I'm suddenly so so restless!

Mean to my dad (Trigger: mention of depression and thoughts)

General Support / by reservedVase8999

December 21st, 2025

...See more I'm so mean to my father, and j don't know why. He is sweet and kind most of the times, but he's just so overbearing during a bad day, and just doesn't know how to give ppl space at all despite me telling him. It's so awkward and I get so mean and then guilt comes to me and I hv crazy thoughts like what if he dies before I ever learn to treat him nicely and etc. And recently I've decided not to let myself feel so much guilt, but I really don't get what's wrong. Why is this happening? It doesn't happen with any other family members. Yes, there was a time when my dad or kinda both my parents were linked to my depression, and it was horrible, suicidal depression, but it was 2.5 yrs ago, and these years hv been healing so I even think I'm gradually starting to forgive them, and they r better parents ngl. So I'm just so tired. Between his stupid inappropriate jokes that my culture has defined as appropriate and my raging anger towards the male behavior towards women, plus him not rlly giving me space, and I feel obliged to love my father instead of rlly loving him sometimes which can be so irritating. It's so confusing. I don't even what to do or how to be responsible for my behavior. Normally in my healing I've always somewhat known the next step, but now I don't know. I've always had this thing of never getting to close to the ppl I hurt bcoz I wanted to fully process my emotions and only then get closer to them to actually be better. So I avoided him even when I felt okay, bcoz I didn't want to create an expectation that I'd always be able to be nice. But a few days ago I tried to stop doing that with both my father and myself, but now I again feel mean and I don't know why. An outside perspective would be welcome, please.

A non positive, non negative, story

General Support / by reservedVase8999

December 9th, 2025

...See more This is long..but I was this person with depression and a few friends came into my life and made me happy. I lived bcoz of them. And I had a crush on one of them, but I realized he was toxic and blah blah he broke my heart badly. And then again, I was back into pain. But this time I'd discovered self love. I'd discovered self improvement. And so I kept going and at first it felt like i was regressing but I consistently loved myself and felt my pain and then out of nowhere I started getting better and my healing took further and further leaps. And I was starting to get okay. But then I wasn't. Always in my head there's a voice saying "I wanna go home" and the worst part is, I don't know where or when that is anymore. And things are okay, but I'm still not okay, but I think that's okay.. and some days were pure joy other days were filled with messy misunderstandings. I genuinely believe my parents are good ppl, but there's constantly so many misunderstandings so much tension a lot, that I..I just don't know what to do. I'm stronger now. I'm almost 17, and better able to handle myself. Then there are parts of me, I can't tell anyone that I quietly sit and try to resolve over and over. I treat myself, do some nice things, enjoy sometimes. It's nice. And I feel like my brain is getting deeply rewired and I'm accepting and understanding myself more. Every part of me feels like it's getting more love. I go down for a walk, and I barely even feel like I'm unworthy. It's nice and exhilarating to realise when things change, like for real, and it actually feels like ur leaving ur past behind. I've stopped pressuring myself to be perfect at self love or saying that small mess ups mean I don't love myself. I'm starting to reduce my superiority and inferiority complex(it's strange how they both cab exist at the same time) I've stopped abandoning myself. I feel freer too, freer to be a teen living an average life and not hv it all figure. Ofc, at some point I do hope I'll be living a really nice life. I'm starting to see that connections with others don't sabotage me, they are part of my world and an extension of my self-love. I have good friends, I rlly do. But again sometimes something in me recognizes patterns in my friend. She's nor mean or rude, she's very kind and nice, but sometimes she gives off a cold vibe and I guess I'm kinda attached to her so it quite hurts. I don't know whether our friendship will recover, but I do know that I'm here for myself, despite what some of the voices hv been saying in my head. At a point of time, I thought they were gone, but it turns out I was suppressing them, so I'm just going to let them be. I'm starting to realise these are the only parents I'll get in this lifetime and they aren't as I want them to be. *** I'm fine with, but boy do I still have a lot to heal. At one time, my main aim in life was to heal from my ex, now I feel so much more healed than I cud hv imagined, it feels like a whole beginning and like the previous steps didn't matter. It's like a new journey and I'm a beginner and I'm frustrated bcoz I've seriously put in so. MUCH *** work. I'm so tired of this really. I've been looping in a constant circle. Suddenly healing from my ex seems out of the picture snd baseline and suddenly it feels less of an achievement than during that actual journey, where little steps did matter. And I don't know, I guess I'm impatient. U know we sometimes rlly picture living either an amazing or terrible life.. and things in the middle seem..off somehow. Anyways yeah, just wanted to share my story and where I'm at rn, tho I do pkan on continuing my old therapist, not sure if it'll work out again tho. Ayways thank u for listening ❤️

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