Mommy issues

Idk how to start this, but I will get straight to the point. I hope people will be understanding and no one will judge negatively. If anyone has any advice, I will be very grateful.

When I was very young, I was very good at school and l was always among the top students (I wasn't the top student, but my dream was to be so) until I was in the sixth grade. I finally achieved something I had been dreaming of and I came first at school. After that, I kept coming first at school, but on the other hand, there was no interest or reward from my mother, I was doing everything to get her to love me and accept me and it was as if I was literally doing nothing. Just because I had OCD and couldn't get myself off the books, I kept coming first at school, without any motivation or incentive. My mother never cared about anything I did, and she never really talked to me or had a deep conversation or advised me about anything. She always ignored me and literally distanced herself from me,to the point that when she would distance herself from me,I would ask her, "Mom...do I smell bad?" She would say, "No, I just don't like anyone to come near me." I would always call her and she wouldn't answer if she was in the kitchen or watching TV, although she would answer any of my other siblings normally, to the point that we would have a lot of fights because of her not answering me. I would run to my grandmother and complain to her, but nothing would change in the end. Now that I've grown up a bit, I'm 18 years old. I no longer like my mom or hate her. I discovered the "Mommy's Issues" thing and found that everything applies to me. I've never been attracted to girls my age. I always imagine an older woman hugging me or even putting me to sleep in bed, and this issue is causing me to hate and be ashamed of myself. I no longer think about sexual thoughts, nor do I have anything to do with girls at all. All my thoughts are about hugs and having a maternal figure in my life to whom I can return and cry when life becomes too much for me. If anyone has the same issue, please share so i feel less lonely. Note that I've literally never talked to a girl, and that might be because of my mommy issues. I don't know how I'll manage to get into a relationship with a girl until I marry her, and that makes me feel like I'll live and die alone.