One Step Forward, One Step Back

I don't know where to start.

For those who may not know, I thought I found someone outside of my family who cared about me three years ago. Turns out, they chose really horrible people over me. People who spread untrue rumors about me. People who avoided me and excluded me. My fear of abandonment turned into me expecting abandonment. I became less trusting and more skeptical. My priorities were rearranged, with my comfort, mental health, safety, and family skyrocketting up on the list.

Most of the aspects of myself really upgraded. More time with my family, I found music I love, I journalled more, and I started therapy. I even got diagnosed with autism a little over a year ago, disproving one of the rumors that was spread. I have been out of school for a year; I've been home, and I spent as much time as possible with my dog....who passed away last week, and we have no regrets. I am so lucky I got to be there with him when he went.

But he was my best friend. So my mental health went from a 4 or 5 (on a scale of 1 to 10) down to a 1. He was my consistent support system.

My guarded nature did help me not get too invested in people too early because it did save me some heartache while getting to know people. It also prevented me from getting close to people. I got imposter syndrome almost 2 years ago, and I didn't tell anyone until I was questioning if I chose the right career for myself and if I still want to pursue it. A friend of mine gave me advice that saved my career. I have always wanted to get to know this person, but I learned from 3 years ago how much of a burden I am; how I'm too much and how everyone has their own lives without me, so I didn't want to do that to this person. I get nervous around this friend even though I don't think they'd do anything like that.

No one has reached out to me since I completed college; any contact I did have this past year was initiated by me. I reunited with a bunch of people recently; some people I was closer to  were talking to me like nothing happened, and everyone else was more reserved because they don't know me well. I was always the one initiating conversation. I was in the middle of a conversation with the friend who saved my career, and then we never picked it up again; I tried texting the friend, but no response (which isn't like them), and I'm back to nothing with everyone because everyone has their own lives without me. So I'm questioning my career again, but because of people this time.

I have learned so much about relationships over the past year via my own research and therapy appointments, but I have lost hope, so I don't know what to do. I have never been a person of rainbows and sunshine, but I just.....don't see the positives in many things anymore. If I could just cuddle with dogs all day, I will.

My boundaries and self love became more like stone, but so did my heart. Which sucks because I have a big heart, but it's now inside a rock.