Relationship Standstill
Me female 24 and my partner male 26 have been together for 2 and half years and our relationship hasn’t been perfect, but I love and care for him and love having him apart of my life. I recently graduated from college in May 2023 and everything was going great until my partner lost his job, I supported him and stood by him until he was able to find another job. I recently have just started my job earlier this month and it’s my first job post college and I am ready to find an apartment and move out. Disclaimer: my partner and i have been talking about moving in together for almost a year. The issue i’m having is that my partner is unable to save money and his mom takes advantage of him and makes him pay $800 just to live at home. I feel bad for him, but like I don’t know what to do because he knows his mom is taking advantage of him but he won’t do anything without his mother’s approval. I feel stuck because i feel like our relationship is never going to progress, he is going to be living at home forever and i’m going to go live my life. I’m afraid he’ll never mature and do the things that he needs to do to be an independent adult. I want to support him and love him through this but my family and friends thinks he’s just holding me back… advice?
@sensibleDime4063
Is his Mom dependent on that money as income? he may feel obligated to help.
It seems odd that he talked of moving but has no real plans to do so. While your family and friedns may be right perhaps you need s deep discussion with him to express your fears of him not moving forward.
@sensibleDime4063
I think that it's essential to discuss your worries and future goals with your partner in a frank and open manner. Tell him how you're feeling about how the relationship isn't progressing because of his financial circumstances and reliance on his mother's approval. Encourage him to talk to his mother about their financial arrangement, look into ways to save money, and strive toward becoming independent.
I feel like the question needs to be asked of whether or not he wants to move out. I was in a very similar situation but I was the one stuck underneath my mom's roof. I heard the same things from my significant other about the fear that we will never move forward in life but once we took the chance and moved out together the behaviors that scared her were changed as they were not caused by my lack of motivation but of the strain my mother was putting
Putting on me**
@sensibleDime4063
Remain independent while still taking the time to communicate what you need to that person. You can say you two need a break or just some space. If you truly see yourself with this person in the future work on all the things YOU want to work on, be who you want to be, buy the apartment and pay for it YOURSELF, work on being independent first, effectively, before you even make doing ANYTHING with him an actual thought. Being independent does NOT mean being a *** or being rude or bragging about what you have or what you are doing that other people, especially him, aren't doing. Being independent should be about making sure that YOU are settled in life before you try to settle with another being who is not settled in themselves. Making sure that YOU are fulfilled before trying to pour into another's cup.
You can blame him and be angry, that's the easiest thing to do, but you can also think about what he is personally going through with his mom. I personally did not have a good relationship with my mother and I am so happy I got out while I could, luckily, in my situation I was not expected to pay $800 for rent every month or ask her for permission to do what I wanted. But if I was, it would've made it 10x worse. Operating out of fear is real and operating strictly from that fear, is a liable possibility for his situation. What I like to do is recognize that other peoples situations are different than mine, therefore, other people will have different reactions, perspectives, and levels of awareness
All in all: I do not know the ups and downs and ins and outs of your situation but I do know that depending on the way he feels about you and what he wants AND how you feel about him and what you want, there is going to have to be a "serious" talk about the way that you are perceiving your future. I would also think about what is expected of men in general from society and other women, he probably feels like *** because he knows he can't "provide" for you like a "man should". Its important to make it known that you do not need all the answers at once or at all, what it takes is vulnerability, confidence, comfortability, and understanding to simply get your message across.
If he does not get it or does not want to subscribe to your program, its time to focus on yourself. There is someone out there who is ready to move in today, but are you ready for that if it wasn't with him? Can you move on? Do you see yourself in another state with this person? The thing is to think about possibilities and hope for your desired outcome. I know you don't want to let that person go, but is it for your own comfortability; is that your ego that is fearful? Are you sadder with him than without him? Are you happier without him around?
Having awareness of your own emotions is super important when trying to express your feelings to another individual. If you don't fully understand how you feel, you will never be able to express that to him and if you don't understand it, how can you expect another person to. Something that helps me is writing down how I feel, nowadays I time myself, but allow your mind to run wild for an amount of time and just write down how you feel, no sugarcoating, no people pleasing, just you.
MUCH LOVE FOR YOU!
Stay Positive :)
Do what you need to do for you. You are the only one responsible for your own happiness. Don't rely on anyone or anything else for your happiness. Once you can be truly happy and content on your own, independently in every way. Then and only then can you be truly happy sharing your life with someone else.
If the person you love isn't on the same page as you in life then maybe it's just not the right time for them but that doesn't mean you're life should be on hold. We never know what's round the corner so live your life for you and only you. If you happen to make people happy on the way through life then that's a bonus. 😁🤗
