Running in circles

How many have felt this way?

Whenever you hear about "Self improvement/love, they always say that it's a journey, but it doesn't feel that way, right?

They say that it's a path that has some bumps/obstacles in the middle of it.

But in reality, it feels like a path fully made of bumps/obstacles, with almost non existent hope in the middle of it?

Then you run in circles.

Every bad moment makes you start again.

And again and again.

While others are walking in the path that people originally explained as "A straight path with some bumps and obstacles in the middle", you go down a different path that's full of obstacles, and every small thing makes you go back to the starting point.

Only to give up on trying from how difficult it is, then months later it gets overwhelming due to a new issue, then again.

You're running in circles, again.

To whoever is familiar with roguelike games like dead cells.

When you die in the game, you don't carry over the abilities and the items when you die and come back.

Nor do you even come back from the same stage you reached, no.

You reset all the way at the beginning, no matter how far you've reached, even if you were about to reach the final boss.

You die, you're at level 1 again, no upgrades, no abilities, good luck.

This is how I feel about the whole self improvement journey thing.

Pain doesn't make me stronger...

It doesn't give me an "Upgrade".

It just turns me back to the starting point, as if nothing happened.

And yes, my mindset might become better, I get wiser, bla bla.

But my feelings... my emotions... they don't... just upgrade.

In any way at all.

I experience every pain as a new experience, not as a: "Ahh, I'm used to this, it won't be painful".

Why am I unable to turn my pain into a good thing?

I swear, I've been into all this self love stuff, reading about it along with other topics for way too long.

Read a lot about psychology, many topics, but it never gets better.

It never... changes..

I don't learn from my mistakes.. I don't know what to do at this point.

I'm not functioning as an average human being.

My physical health is fragile, my mental health (Emotionally wise) is dire and down, and I'm unable to even function in my faith that I love and believe in.

The more I experience pain, the more longer I tend to get stuck at the starting point.

I feel guilt from everything I do, whether it's good or bad.

This is probably one of my tries, that I will probably end up back at the starting point after.

And then..

Run in circles.. forever..

Nothing to achieve.

No purpose, no warm hands, surrounded by toxic family, toxic people, and I'm too hopeless and self hating to even think about finding a way to make money online to save myself from this mess.

I'm not suicidal by any means, and I highly doubt it will ever occur in a serious way due to my very strong belief in my own religion that prohibits the idea.

But I still get a lot of thoughts about it.

And when I'm pent up with emotions and thoughts? better lock it up, or I'll be shamed and hurt for it.

"Men are allowed to show their emotions"

Well.. not the case for me.. and it feels more like a general lie to be honest.

Or maybe only rich and successful men are allowed to express their emotions.

But not me.

Haha.

I honestly started to hate the attention seeking side of mine that wants people to notice how miserable Iam and see me as someone special.

On the other hand... I feel bad when someone pities me.

Like, did I really have to write all of this so that someone listens to me? do I always have to be on the verge of death or something like that to be seen?

I don't want to have friends, even though I might need them.

Because I'm just a very deep person who thinks wisely about everything instead of living in the moment and enjoying it.

Oh boy, that was a lot.

And honestly, I have way too many things to say, including how I'm a very emotional person.

If my logic is saying that it wasn't my fault, but my emotions and feelings say that it was, then it's the second option.

My emotions surpass my logic.

And my emotions are a total mess.

Huff.

If I blame myself for everything, some people would come and say "It's not your fault".

Then if I blame others, it begins a habit of not taking accountability, which basically tells me that I'm a loser who only blames others.

I'm doing all of this message because a few minutes ago, I just tried to reach out to help others on a different site, despite how much I need help(Help that I don't even feel like I deserve, nor will accept if it was out of pity), and I obviously know that a person who needs help cannot humanly give help, because of how consuming and painful it is.

So yeah, here Iam.

If you read this (Even if you skipped a lot)

Thank you.