Severe depression.
I'm blank. Despite knowing all arguments to support why it is a stupid idea to harm myself, I still might, for I've lost all desire to live. My mind feels as though it is being bombarded by a continuous spectrum of all possible thoughts (where each thought is inseparable yet different - it's everything and nothing), making me dizzy. Inner conflict, confusion, desire to die, reasons not to die. In addition, there is immense sadness inside. I'm unable to vent it out due to exhaustion.
Further, my anti-social tendencies display at times and I feel very guilty for emotionally manipulating people close to me. Professional help doesn't work. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I don't want help anymore - I want to put an end to it (no immediate danger). I really don't want this anymore. Yet, I'm trapped considering consequences for my brother in the future if I harm myself, and maybe hence keep crying, complaining and trying to seek help for it instead of confronting it. It's complex and frustrating.
