***TW*** What I’m Going Through…
***TW***
Dealing with putting up boundaries with a male friend who’s not valuing me or treating me well. The tension, the silence, the resentment.
My heart breaking from a guy friend whose girlfriend is abusing him… Wanting him to let go and be free, watching him grapple with the thought of losing her, but also yearning to let go of the constant pain and gaslighting.
Flinching at the thought and expectation of men beating me.
Exhausted to the point of burnout.
Wanting to do more. Not knowing what that more is. Not having the strength or energy for more.
Constant overstimulation. Constantly mentally checking out, to conserve energy and bandwidth.
Realizing that the vast majority of my friends really don’t value me.
Migraines that come outta nowhere and hit hard for days on end.
Prediabetes and an eating disorder. No will or motivation to fix either one.
Occasionally remembering out of nowhere, “Dad’s dead????” He’s been dead for two years.
Knowing that people can see my mental health failing simply because I barely post anymore.
Coming home and watching Netflix. Not moving for hours. The resulting pain and restlessness and RLS that occurs after.
Eating absolute garbage. A lot of it. Feeling, seeing, my inflating stomach and hating my body. Even though overeating is my coping mechanism.
Being exhausted and yet not making myself go to bed on time.
Not being able to think straight.
Yearning to breathe free… and not being able to breathe. Desperate for something. Not knowing what it is. The thunder and lightning and sheer NOISE in my head, the nonstop chatter and shrillness and the flapping of the metaphorical bats’ wings… The audio torture my brain gives me every day. The one no one can see or understand unless they’ve experienced it.
Imagine a life where everything is noise and fear and terror and curling into yourself and garbage mixed with absolute filth and shrillness and anguish and anxiety.
Imagine being me.
Being Kiara.
I don’t understand why I’m still here. But I am. It’s only God.
Who am I?
Who am I supposed to be?
Am I ACTUALLY loved? By anyone in my IRL life?
Do I even exist? To these people?
Do they care? Am I just a means to an end? Someone to endure?
This is me. Scars and gaping wounds and all. Angry redness and twisted limbs, burn marks and birthmarks and brokenness. Not the wholeness I present online. That Kiara isn’t real. The real Kiara is broken. Her heart, shattered. Her body, struggling. So emaciated, so nutrition-lacking, so sick in so many ways. My body may be normal on the outside, but my heart is splintered and shaking and afraid and cold and tired…
And yet, I continue.
@jesusredeemedme2425 awww. I see you are having a horrible time right now. But that's okay. Healing isn't linear. You have come such a long way. And we are all proud of you ❤️
I see your mind and body are screaming from how everything is too much. Don't punish yourself for it. It's unpleasant, but you are safe ❤️
is there any way you can reduce the mental load you are carrying? Doesn't have to be big things, just stuff like allowing yourself to not be okay for a little and curling up on your bed with some takeout, pretending to be a rock without beating yourself up for it.
You did an amazing job at identifying your feelings and things that cause you to feel this way in your post. That's a great first step to feeling better. Is there anything you can do to make yourself more physically comfortable at the moment? (We tend to regulate body up instead of brain down, so put the brain in time out and take care of your physical comfort first) Maybe it's just laying down on your back (honestly it works like a charm on me), maybe it's getting some tea or a blanket, or taking a hot shower. Anything goes.
I know you care about others a lot. You are amazing. But you need to care for yourself too. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to have a bad time. And it's okay to pull back to have some rest. Do what you need to recharge and be kind to yourself ❤️❤️❤️
@jesusredeemedme2425
You are still here, because you matter, you are a beautiful, shining light and presence here, full of laughter and love for everyone you meet. Reserve your energy for you. To do small things to make you feel more like you, one step at a time 💜💕
@jesusredeemedme2425
That hits really deep Kiara. What you have gone through and still are experiencing, might seem nothing less than a torture. It might have left you broken, your heart in pieces and your body messy.
But these, these fragments, these scars also represent your courage and your energy to fight shows levels of resilience which I can't even be able to grasp. They show how much you have grown as a human being. You didn't give up and that's what counts. 💖✨
I'm sorry you're struggling with so much right now 😞 Sometimes we have to take a step back from certain situations and focus on ourselves. Which can be hard , especially when those situations involve people we care about. You have such a big heart and you deeply care about people but that can be really draining when we're dealing with things of our own. It's ok to focus on yourself.
I wish I had something that could help ease your pain... some magic words or something. We get so used to wearing a mask around people every day that we forget what we look like when we take it off. In the moments of being alone, we realize how raw emotionally, mentally, and physically we are.
It's ok to just be. Just be however you need to in the moment. You don't need to appear whole here. Those of us here love you and accept you no matter what, without expectations. ❤️❤️
@jesusredeemedme2425 we love the real Kiara just as much.
I can relate to a good many things, though not all. I won't lay bare the way all these wounds ache, the impact they have on us. You know. I know. We keep moving, anyways.
Youve done alot, Kiara. You do a lot. Alot of good. Maybe a lot of mistakes, but that's okay. Life's a little too bland, a little too monotone without mistakes. Ignore the critics in that regard, including your very own brain. Fear feeds low self esteem feeds anger feeds despair feeds fear back again. Easy to fall into the loop, hard to come back out.
But not impossible.
I see it all as a fight, you might have seen me say that before. But that might just be for me. Fight and ache and move. Get up from the floor, of course, but who ever said there's a time limit? Staying down can help you dodge some hits till you have the strength to get back up. Do you get what I mean?
Rest. I mean rest. Rest and fight. What to do when and where is your decision. There's only one wrong choice, and that's giving up.
You win every day you wake up Kiara. Every. Single. Day. And we cheer on the sidelines :)
