TW: after a while
hi,
its been a long time. so lets make an honest post :') because it always sounds/feels like people misunderstand or misinterpret what i say and take it the other way around. life has also been busy which means i haven't caught up with forums and put my life into being the little idiot i have always been. i got caught up and emotionally attached to my thoughts. it was like a train i had to catch, and once i got into this train, i could never step my foot out of it. if i jum1ed, i would be and feel the worse i have ever been. i became tangled in this situation and things went wrong, and i had to find a way to untangle and to escape it. but there is no escaping or breaking, or leaving this cycle or tornado or whatever is *** me up and hurting me. sometimes you learn to survive in this. you learn to live the way you are used to. and eventually, its just the same shattered reality. i was too busy thinking about everyone else, i forgot who i was. because i wanted to carry the weight and burden so others don't have to carry it. i forgot me. i dont even recognise myself when i look into the mirror. constant trauma of my past surrounds me.
(to be continued further because this forum is not posting)
forums isnt letting me post the rest of this post
pulls me down. and the more it pulls me down the more i fall. i keep falling. this void seems to pull me in and take me new every time. i can feel myself slowly falling down. lost of words. lost of actions. lost of anything, because i dont have the energy to tell you whats wrong with me and my life. i dont have the energy to get up and get out of bed.
i dont have the energy to shount back, or to argue or to even.... be ... someone. and whilst this puzzle was already in front of me, i mixed up the pieces so much that i cant put it back together anymore. this trauma hurts , my heart bleeds of helplesness. my body wants love. but i dont give it love. i want to be happy, but i have to keep my gaurd up all the time because someone is always there to hurt me or take me down.
I know the feeling of having to keep the guard on. You're protecting yourself and that's also love. Even if it doesn't feel so. 🤍
I know how there's always someone who hurts us or takes us down. And the hardest thing is to not treat ourselves the same way.
So, I know my words may not make sense but don't treat yourself the way they do. Your past may bring you down, make you feel less about yourself but you're here and each day you survive is a victory in itself. You're trying your best at your worst. 🌸
my mind doesnt rest anymore. i wish someone would love me or hug me or tell me it will all be okay, but no one does that anymore. my world is blurred. my self image.. my self worth. my self respect is shattered. i watched them laugh at me. call me names. when i asked for help people would think its weak. i let them hit me and beat me and hurt me. i have found comfort in the darkness. because whats the point in seeing light? when everyone shatters your happiness anyways.i let them yell and make me feel worthless.... i let them do all the things .... they wanted to do. and i became that monster. you dont know my story..... you dont know me.... you cant heal me...... stop telling me lies. because every second hurts. it hurts when everyone thinks your the liar. but in the eyes of the world, we are just numbers. statistics. im alive. so im a number of the population.
if i get covid.... i'll be part of the number of people who have a virus.... i will be a number. if im another abu1ed teenager. then im the 1 in millions of teenagers. i will never be an individual. a story. a human. when everything aches so much... we loose all the will to live. and then we deny everything. and we face anger. and then..... everything starts again. the tornado forms once again...... and all you can do..... is accept the false hope.... of "it will all get better". because in the most desperate of times, we hang on to every second to just survive, but what do we gain? just to see more tragedy occur... let me fall once again
(this is just a rant so dont expect anything to be perfectly expressed, there are some inaccuracies and i might have not described it perfectly)
Bunny
(forums doesnt like me today)
😶 who cares anymore? Idek why I'm repeating myself at this point
Sending a hug 🫂🤍
@amiableBunny4016
*sits with bunny bean* 💙
@LoveMyMoonflowers
Mhm...
I can relate to a lot of things you've said here. There's a lot I feel like saying. But the most important would be that you're someone outside of them even if they live inside you. I know what the heaviness of carrying the past everyday looks like. And how it can make us feel drained. Your feelings are valid and your words can be felt🤍