Thebestscreenname Journal
Tired of making multiple threads. Mine as well consolidates my thoughts. *6/30/23
I'll have to remember to date my entries.
I prefer digital on this forum, to " Journal" only because it isn't really journaling in the sense that, other people can drop by lend support or some sympathy/empathy/ or own insight.
So, I am now installing handrails in my father's home, I don't want to, I have to, because he refuses to do the necessary things he should have done when he hit 78 and pulls the same crap he did when I was a kid, you are going to do what I say cause I'm your dad. Same now that he is an old man, he isn't going to do anything he should do because it is his way or the highway and if he wants help he is going to get it the way he wants, which is me doing what needs to be done, aka caring for him.
My older sister stepped up a little bit and ordered groceries for him the other day which i appreciated and I hope she does more often.
All I know is if I had a family of my own, I wouldn't of done this, I wouldn't be like my dad and have this entitlement that you are my kids you better take care of me or ima just let everything fall to pieces.
Not like I got to worry about having a family, being in my 40s now, single, never married. just a giant itshay show, no drugs or criminal record, just mental health issues and I am more an more becoming isolated from society while every so slightly trying to reach back out into it.
I look back at my time in the Army, and what I thought was fun, was really me just acting out, trying to fit in with people that honestly did not care about me, and I was trying to cover up a ton of pain that was inflicted on me in the Army. An the few good people that I did run across, my immaturity ended up screwing up those possible friendships. Hindsight is a real kicker, cause if I could I'd go back and tell myself, to start keeping a journal of the hardships, keep quiet, stop acting out and acting up, go find help with in the Army, dont tell anyone in my unit I am getting help. An consider getting a lawyer to help change things for me. Or that I will be in charge of my own supply unit in due time but once in I can't be a screw-up anymore. I have to take it serious. An if I do, things can get better for me, and I can make a career out of the Army and retire with comfort.
instead, my anxiety took over my life completely. my depression is come and go, now i also found out i have Autism so I have to figure out what that exactly means for me specifically. Chances are my Autism was always there just became more profound now.
Now, I am at the point in life I do not want to be alone anymore, but the only way I can meet a woman is through a dating site.... but my issue is, will my anxiety go down enough that I can be in a relationship, and not be a constant jittery spaz like some kind of wired up cartoon.
I would like to think if i took things with ease, I could build into a great relationship.
7/1/23
Prepping my nerves for the 4th, amazing that as a child, I really enjoyed playing with fireworks, now as a spaz of an adult, I hate them, the popping and whizzing is just too much for my anxiety.
I am also realizing I am short on internet friends now. I haven't heard from a BFF in a while and she is married and has a family so that is why but still. How about a hello now n then and not just when you are alone and bored? Not really a BFF huh.?
Got "HBO" Max going again this time add free. Ordered my Godzilla car horn, should be terrorizing the streets by the middle of summer. My car is a P.o.S so makes it extra weird.
I am always a shut-in, during the summer months in Florida, the heat is just too much for me to bare, but I do hate being a shut-in. I'd go to a public pool but then I gotta deal with old mofos who think they are the pool masters and can just do laps and force people out of their way, it is annoying. At least I got my extended family, my friends' lil boy 10, does gymnastics close to my house so I get to visit with them twice a week for an hour, I do enjoy that. I bring my lil buddy his fav Gatorade each time.
Got to hang with pops today, we had some Mexican food at a local joint which was actually not that bad. They had this janky soup though I was disappointed with it, was basically beef broth with beef grease. No Bueno. Everything else was killer.
I wish I had better friends online to talk to. I am really running out of communication skills because I just don't know how to relate to people anymore outside of things I know like comic books.
I think I am bipolar because sometimes I go from really hopeless to feel hopeful for no reason, and I felt that just now, feeling this odd feeling of happiness or hope for no reason.
* 7/1/23
side note.
Was about to seek suggestions in a chat room or from a listener and I realized, what am I doing I don't need someone else's input for wondering if I should sign up for a dating site and on an on, I get so friggin wrapped up in my mind with, needing outside permission to live my life or what am I going to do if this and this and this happens when talking to a woman on a site. I can do this I just have to decide how much I want to financially invest in a dating site, and get current photos going. An brush up the profile etc.
I can control my anxiety online via text chat through the site, and even texting on my cell if it got that far. Face to face becomes the real anxiety. An not locking up in anxiety.
anyhow.
*7/2/23
This journal thing is getting more organized, I prefer this method of getting things off my chest and mind versus being in one of the chat rooms because the sharing room is limited to like what 5 minutes? That 5 minutes seems to get some wobble room pending on whoever is modding and if they feel like doing less or more than the 5.
So I got room here to move around.
I spoke in one thread somewhere, about how I would like to find a woman to settle down with and move North. I think the reality is going to be closer to the following, staying in town in the heat wave and hurricane center of Florida because my dad is going to need me. My dad is doing nothing to prepare for a life going into his 90s where he won't be able to drive. It will be my responsibility at that point to take him to doctors' apts and if his wife is still alive her as well.
I'll end up on disability, and with no home owners insurance, at some point a big hurricane is going to smack into my town, and the two big oaks I have on the property are going to take out my home.
That will cause me a giant plethora of stress, my neighbors for one will want a fight if they live that long because dur dur dur your tree came down an hit my house too! smh, thankfull FL has some laws to protect people from being sued from a natural disaster or just nature in general. But it will still be a problem because, how then do I fix the home.
The only answer I have, is to make a lateral move, to move some where in town where there isn't at a minimum a giant oak tree foaming at the mouth to come down during hurricane season.
The problem then is the money itself from the sale of the house, because that will be used against me by SS, meaning i'll have to give the money to my sister to piece it out back to me to pay bills and get by.
Giant Mess.
Say my pop kicks the bucket in 5 years, I take a piece of the inheritance and I can boot it out of here pretty quick, pending the time it takes to sell the family home. An then it is just a matter of time till the money runs out and disability gets taken away from me because why wouldnt it.
I Just do not have a positive outlook for myself and my life. I want better, who wouldnt want better. but i see nothing but poverty and pain waiting for me. Not that I wont try to make things better I will. But if my life has taught me anything it is that, life isnt meant to be good for me. no matter how hard I try to better myself no matter how hard I do good work for a company. I just do not have good cards stacked in my favor.
So it becomes a waiting game, now I am waiting for my bariatric surgery through the VA/ I got to wait for them to get me my new apt with a doc in town, then once that happens I have hoops the doctor throws out that I got to jump through and that will take time as well.
I was hoping to have the surgery done by the summer, but my guess it will be almost winter by the time it gets close.
an for what, to lose weight so I can at least say I am no longer fat, and I do not need to eat any more when I am depressed or stressed out.
Wana know how scary it is to invite a woman into my life, to have all this going on in my head, but to try and put on a happy front, that, I am not internally a wreck and my only hope at happyness is going to be if I am in a great relationship that makes me want to strive to hang on to life so i can enjoy the relationship. To dance around what I do day in and out, to get across that I am a recluse but that I don't want to be, and that I don't want to be judged on my mental health, but how I treat someone as a person. Then there is performance anxiety and having to explain that.
on and fracking on.
An all i really want back is my mom so I can sit with her and just laugh the day away.
sadly my parents as much as i need and love them, they have each in their own way really screwed me up and made me a great guy with a great heart and soul.
An now I no longer have my mom. my job was caring for her and i was going to find a way to move out of town, yet my dad got his hooks in me and part of me let him.
Tomorrow I need to do some outside work at some point, tidy up stuff the best I can maybe move plants that are potted in doors so I can start an indoor garden and not lose them to the elements.
Therapy for me is a joke, I do not look forward to going to more sessions and I have no clue when to cut it off I feel my therapist is just using me for a paycheck as much as i am using the time to just check in with someone to say Hi, I am a live, and get out of the house for an hour.
I am supposed to believe my life can get better, I just have to have a positive outlook, try hard, work hard, and it will all be fine. pft.
like telling a starving person they can have all the food they want with happy thoughts and a go-get-em attitude.
7/3/23
Just had to let the universe know, I am still here, and very lonely. The nights are terrible for me all the time. My poor cat has to make it through the stupid fireworks for the 4th, hope it wont be too bad.
Sad when I get more affection and attention from my Tortoise and Cat than people.
I know I'll wake up in the morning, but I hope I don't.
Hello sir, good day :)
I am far too young to fully comperhend your situation and worries, yet I could not help myself but to reply.
I am no profesional, so I doubted me saying something would help at all, however, I just wanted to say that, despite how you feel, you are not alone. Yeah it might as well seem like a joke to you, I mean, a 17 y/o little girl with no experience or understanding of the world whatsoever is here saying bs. I might as well be, It's just that I trully believe what I said. I think that, when the general outlay of life is so negative, the best way to go through them is by the little things in life, like how you mentioned appreciating you sister's help, or how you spent time with that little child, or having a cat -its a dream of mine, to have a cat-. When I'm struggling with major problems, I tend to look for these little things. I'm 4 months away from becoming an adault, I also have anxiety and the sole thought of it puts me in a state of sheer panic, being in the last year of high school, which is the most important one, and preparing for university entrance exam, alas worrying if the path I have chosen is the right one for me, I'm panicking right now simply writing them down. With all that -which is as far as I have experienced in life- what cheers me up is how my little sister brightens up at the sight of chocolate, how my plant, denis, has been growing during the past year, how beautiful the clouds moving in the sky are, how the stars shine brightly and show me how small I am, how the book I bought recently smells, how the wind blows through the trees and moves the leaves.
It may seem silly, to seek comfort in these kinds of things when the problems you deal with are far greater than mine, and need a lot of more strength and energy. I just wanted to help, maybe make you feel better by showing that I care, and that you are not alone.
I didn't really say anything about relationships because it's neither my place nor do I have experience in the field, just putting it out there. I also didn't talk about your father, afraid it might be disrespectful of me- I am not really familiar with the ways of americans, as I am not one.
I just really hope you will find the one that is meant for you, and that you will find your happiness and calm.
Sorry if I talked too much-
I hope you will fine something, however little, to smile about todah :)
7/4/23
Please no children in my journal, I just do not relate or appreciate children's comments.
tired of it all,
enjoyed my cocktails might make two more,
for those of age and interested , pineapple flavored vodka+cranberryjuice+Lime Juice= good times. on the rocks
get tired of being so damn miserable
7/5/23
good n drunk
n don't care, getting ready to take my sleep meds.
feeling toasty
I dont want any more children commenting in my journal.
7/6/23
going to bed, finally.
not tired and won't be for another 2 hrs or so.
rented Ted 2
still sick of life, if anyone thinks I'm the bounce-back kinda guy, I ain't. I stopped bouncing back from life, way back in high school, everything I have done in high school till now has been a passive attempt at ending it all, in some form or another, while reluctantly trying to make my life better.
how is that for an oxymoron?
who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and after my surgery, I drop the weight, and put on some muscle, and the war between Ukraine and Russia will still be ongoing and I can go fight for Ukraine. Pft, or just go off into the country and be miserably alone, reading comics and avoiding people. Which is the better way to go.?
7/6/23
Been a very depressing day for me.
Most my thoughts have bounced around the pondering of what am i going to do, if my dad passes away any time soon.
my home on the market now is worth a good bit, but if i had to leave suddenly, i could sell it to one of those house flippers for well below market value and get ripped off, just so I don't end up with a lean on my home and having utilities cut off.
an then take that money and roam around till it runs out. n then poof.
7/7/23
Another weird depression day, I literally slept 90% of the day away, and if it wasn't for running out of toilet paper and having to buy more, I think I would have stayed inside the entire day.
Bad enough not having friends nor a social life, I gotta deal with constant fatigue ( Not thyroid related already checked ), and now the heat and humidity. AGAIN, 40-some-odd years in Fl and I have not gotten used to the summer months.
I spent a lil over $100 on groceries, and barely any real food for me, cat food was $$ cause im not letting my baby have crumby cat food, an i swear some coffee, creamer, laundry soap, dish soap, TP ( that is what did it in part as well name brand TP ) the only food i walked out with was cereal BOGO and some hotdogs, burgers and buns.... smh.
I had these yummy, ghost pepper flavored cheetos puffs, and made the mistake of wiping my eye with the napkin i was using, which had residue, and that powder went right into my eye and wooooooooo, took a good 40 seconds to clear my eye out.
might start drinking soon.
New Car horn is on the way.
I hope to build a new dating profile by the end of the year and have it activated.
will be a struggle to get an actual date from the site. an not just a chat friend.
Beans
7/8/23
Well, I woke up at 630am today, dunno why, didn't stay up thou, and after I got my coffee in me, I pretty much slept the day away again.
so stupid my life is. I honestly didn't think I was going to live past my 30s I had no desire too, so I never planned for anything. I just figured i'd of passed on some how by then or the world would be done I don't know.
Now I am left trying to salvage my life to some degree to give myself some hope on not checking out.
I honestly believe I run the risk of checking out at some point IF I do not break the cycle I have been in doesn't matter. I aint going any where cause my dad would lose it. so here I am stuck, it is what it is, stuck now in a co dependent relationship with my father because I am too afraid to do anything and I can't just pack up and leave into the wind.
least I was smart enough to get a cat and tortoise.
I should be grateful for the time I have left with my dad, but he makes it hard.
I don't see a world where, things get better for me, where, I get to live in a neighborhood with out barking dogs or an area with out barking dogs and loud vehicles passing by, and a good woman in my life who loves me.
plenty of people would love to be in my situation, and that is even sadder.
I can barely appreciate what I have.
