Thebestscreenname Journal
Tired of making multiple threads. Mine as well consolidates my thoughts. *6/30/23
I'll have to remember to date my entries.
I prefer digital on this forum, to " Journal" only because it isn't really journaling in the sense that, other people can drop by lend support or some sympathy/empathy/ or own insight.
So, I am now installing handrails in my father's home, I don't want to, I have to, because he refuses to do the necessary things he should have done when he hit 78 and pulls the same crap he did when I was a kid, you are going to do what I say cause I'm your dad. Same now that he is an old man, he isn't going to do anything he should do because it is his way or the highway and if he wants help he is going to get it the way he wants, which is me doing what needs to be done, aka caring for him.
My older sister stepped up a little bit and ordered groceries for him the other day which i appreciated and I hope she does more often.
All I know is if I had a family of my own, I wouldn't of done this, I wouldn't be like my dad and have this entitlement that you are my kids you better take care of me or ima just let everything fall to pieces.
Not like I got to worry about having a family, being in my 40s now, single, never married. just a giant itshay show, no drugs or criminal record, just mental health issues and I am more an more becoming isolated from society while every so slightly trying to reach back out into it.
I look back at my time in the Army, and what I thought was fun, was really me just acting out, trying to fit in with people that honestly did not care about me, and I was trying to cover up a ton of pain that was inflicted on me in the Army. An the few good people that I did run across, my immaturity ended up screwing up those possible friendships. Hindsight is a real kicker, cause if I could I'd go back and tell myself, to start keeping a journal of the hardships, keep quiet, stop acting out and acting up, go find help with in the Army, dont tell anyone in my unit I am getting help. An consider getting a lawyer to help change things for me. Or that I will be in charge of my own supply unit in due time but once in I can't be a screw-up anymore. I have to take it serious. An if I do, things can get better for me, and I can make a career out of the Army and retire with comfort.
instead, my anxiety took over my life completely. my depression is come and go, now i also found out i have Autism so I have to figure out what that exactly means for me specifically. Chances are my Autism was always there just became more profound now.
Now, I am at the point in life I do not want to be alone anymore, but the only way I can meet a woman is through a dating site.... but my issue is, will my anxiety go down enough that I can be in a relationship, and not be a constant jittery spaz like some kind of wired up cartoon.
I would like to think if i took things with ease, I could build into a great relationship.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Know your past, learn from it and make a beautiful life with what you have now. It is never too lte.💙 I have mental health problems too... don't look at yourself as a mental health person. I look qt myself as sad and traumatized rather than "depressed" . 💛 thwse names are a categorie of symptoms experienced. To give the right pills and control it. But don't sefine yourself with it and out yohrself into a box. You can do anything other people can do. You can reclaim your life. You have the ability to.❤️ I believe in you. Hugs I
Sorry for my spelling. I have a new phone with a new keyboard.
7/10/23
Midnight
Well, I realize and have for a while, why I.. hate myself to a degree or consider myself trash.
That mentality is from a cumulation of treating people badly right up until now. The majority of the self loathing/hate stems from treating my little brother and sister poorly growing up to downright mean.
An while my brother has forgiven me, our relationship just isn't there and I can bet part of it from us growing up and fighting so much and the way I treated him during our childhood, my little sister all grown up now, is a different ball of wax but needless to say I screwed up our relationship as well.
She hasn't forgiven me and I can't really blame her.
lastly i hate myself for the way I treated people online at times. An poor behavior in my early life online, when the internet was just starting and chatrooms were new kinda thing.
Times when I was in the army, two in particular I can remember i hurt people i shouldn't have.
An I hate myself for the times I was terrible to my parents.
When people say I am too hard on myself, which is true, that is why, because I can't forgive myself.
I have even as a catholic gone to reconciliation and poured all this out, and there was brief relief but it all came back in spades. I tend to burry most of those bad memories, but they are still there still haunting and gnawing at me. Even a time when I knew better than to toss a ball so high that my dog was going to lose sight of it and it was a softball, and sure enough the damn thing clocked him on the head and he yelped. I knew better, but I was thinking he would inevitably see it and catch it before it was too late. and i was wrong. that eats me too, but least in the end my dog had it really really good.
I live a lot of my pain in the past, and I don't know how to let all that go. I view every screw up I made as terrible, criminal , and scuzzy. you would think I would sayh woah, you spent so much time volunteering and doing all sorts of good things cant ya say it all cancels out or makes up for it.
nope.
An it isn't like I want to be perfect, I want to Quantum Leap my own life and still make mistakes, just not the terrible ones that ruined relationships, and made me into a bigger mess than I need to be.
Dunno how to mend those wounds.
Today was productive, got railing needed for my dads' home so he will and his wife will be safe.
other than that same thing different day.
an all i can really hope for is that i don't wake up after i fall asleep.
I will though, and I will burn through another day with the same mess i have been dealing with for all my life. 44 years of battling my inner demons and mental health problems and getting no where fast, trying to tell myself that if I just keep trying, something may one day work.
I got my umbilical hernia repaired and the bump is finally gone, I am grateful for that, but as much as it is an accomplishment, it doesn't bring me a tiny bit of joy. To be able to look at my stomach and not see a protrusion. An know it is fixed as well.
Maybe after my gastric bypass, the weight comes off and I can at least fake being happy at being thin and looking good again.
7/12/23
so I finally got rescheduled with my gastric doctor, for a prelim meeting on the 27th, got to jump through some hoops with the VA to get all the bleh bleh stuff done befoe the surgery can really be scheduled.
Not doing well. I noticed I do not enjoy trying to chat with people in chat rooms anymore, I don't have the attention span to try to engage in a conversation, and it is all just killing time, I see a few women to flirt with here n there, and poof I leave.
IRL talking to people gets to be a real physically and emotionally draining task my meds fight hard against my anxiety . my autism side doesn't filter out things correctly sometimes before I speak. An it becomes a mess for me and after 2 minutes of trying to talk to someone and not fall apart, i get physically exhausted to where I just have to excuse myself.
I am not confident in filing for disability. I mean I have, but I feel I would better off, just moving one day, and setting up something I can do well in my head, something I can do passively that is some how going to make 2k a month for me to live off of.
because disability if i got it, is only 950 a month max. for me anyhow. I would barely get by. I mean that is no room for nothing and then having to rely on permanent food stamps too.
real crap show.
I don't wana live like that. I want someone in my life I can live with that is basically the bread winner and i can focus on just us and the relationship and keeping a home together. That would be a lot for me.......
I dunno if a woman is out there like that.
I doubt it. Ima try n find her. But I aint going to look forever, and one day push comes to shove and i have found her, I just may actually lose for good. less I can some how move close to my older sister.
which means staying in Fl which I hate.
who knows.
I know for now nothing is going to happen any time soon, my self esteem/self worth, is shot, and I have no real hope anymore.
7/14/23
Nothing really new going on.
Slept most of the day away. Pop agitated me on the phone again for the 20 millionth time. He makes it really hard to even want to talk to him.
Trying to, just begin to think about, where to move to. To get out of Florida is a very hard process.
The process of selling a home isn't hard it is just time-consuming and annoying to have db lookers just oh ho hum I'm just looking, it is like no ya ain't just browsing ya are either interested or you are moving on.
I aint moving any time soon though.
But I got the feeling by the time I get my gastric surgery done and get the weight off. That is going to be the point I will leave.
Either the neighborhood to a different one across town, or the state completely.
An I may not wait for disability if the weight is off and I am on my feet before the hearing gets to me.
Hopefully, I'll just drop dead before anything happens.
Really not interested in starting my life over, not interested in tomorrow, and not interested in life in general anymore.
7/15/23
Just wanted to say I am still here.
7/16/23
not doing well.
the 20th I see my therapist, dunno what I want from the session.
I gotta get things going with the bariatric stuff with the VA; the hardest part will be getting the results to my sleep apnea test that I took.
putting up handrails in my fathers home soon.
upgrading my car horn since it broke, to this one that does a Godzilla Roar, so that will be hella annoying, but i'll enjoy it. got a bit more work on that.
my cat an tortoise are happier than I am.
and I love my DC Comics
I sleep too much. I have zero energy , at most I have 2 hrs worth of energy in the day. to do anything.
after that I just shut down from fatigue and emotionally.
I feel like I am fighting a losing battle.
7/18/23
Hoop #1 screwed up, big surprise, my sleep apnea test had some kind of malfunction so I have to retake it, normally I wouldn't care and say to beans with it, but I need to get clearance for my gastric surgery.
I am sure I'll have at least 3 more screw ups with that sleep study before it is final, then I'll need the Cpap machine which will take another month or two, then ill have to be on that for 2 months, so maybe by the end of the year ill have my gastric bypass.
ya right.
Therapy on the 20th big whoop. Just going to *** and moan about dunno, I dunno wtf is going on with me, im extra cranky right now.
slept in today , got some office crap done paper work, rescheduling an apt,
nothing positive to say ever in here.
least i am not getting stupid children coming in going, omg so interesting to read about your life i feel like i know you, im such an old soul i hope you bleh bleh bleh, like seriously gfys, stay in your lane or get run over.
Hope i dont wake up in the morning.
7/20/23
well, another day come and gone. I have plans for Friday to meet with fam, should be fun.
short-lived but fun.
7/21/23
Today was okay, the joke horn i bought for my car I can't install like I wanted, so I am improvising... later next week on that.
Had a good time with my extended family today but it was short-lived and honestly, I was dog-tired the entire time.
The AC is working overtime today, the house is muggy and I cant really nap least not in my room cause for some reason, it is like an oven in my room no matter what time of year.
I got the entire afternoon to myself. and no one to talk to. I am back to being alone, with my cat and tortoise.
I don't feel like reading, or painting, or whatever else.
Story of my life.
I am not really talking to anyone online either anymore, becoming more isolated, and it is scary.
I am becoming less interested in online chatting in chat rooms, and I really am losing interest in trying to talk to people in general.
The last thing I got coming up is to eventually sign up, and here is the kicker, for a public speaking class so I can work on my social anxiety disorder. it wont be any time soon, but it is moving to the front burner. maybe after i get my gastric surgery.
I wish I could sell my home, move into some place smaller, and use the rest of the money to invest in a small business like a small coffee stand or lawn maintenance thing to rent out to people who want to work and just take me a cut.
maybe one day. maybe not.
I honestly do not want to keep on going, the things I do to better myself are empty-handed and just thrashing in the dark trying to pretend that I care to try and make my life better.
