Thebestscreenname Journal

so my older sister should be visiting next month, not long though.

just wanted to say I am still here, I do not want to be. But I am, I am hanging on, and I don't really know why, other than I do not want to hurt the few people in my life that do honestly love and care about me.

If they were gone, I would be gone as well.

I know my life is not going to get better, but I keep pretending it can be.

7/28/23

not doing well.

slept in. skipped a doc apt that wasnt that necessary, helped out pop.. now i am tired.

7/30/23

Well, I am starting the process for gastric bypass surgery. Figured it is free so why not. That and I figure it is one physical thing I can control. An I would rather be skinny and miserable instead of obese and miserable.

I'll go back to the gym once I get the surgery, hopefully in October.

Nothing to get excited over, I have been thin before, all that was good about it, was I was able to be physically active, go for a walk, do physical things when I wanted to and was in a positive mood.

I can't do positive things being in a crap depressed mood, I have tried, it doesn't help me, for instance, going to the gym when I was depressed.. I was literally depressed the entire time at the gym while working out. Didn't and wont do that again.

Thundering outside.

It is Sunday, I had nothing going on so I chose to sleep the day away. So I didn't have to battle with what the *** to do with myself.

I really hate this existence I am in. I really want someone to tell me I only have so many days, months,weeks, or years left of living, so that way I know this crap I am in is going to come to an end.

My therapist tells me to just keep focusing on one thing at a time. which is basically all I am good at. Because if i try to think one or two steps down the road, I get riddled with anxiety and stress.

really is no, solid help out there for me, I need a good woman in my life who understands and can be patient with me and wants to be in my life. She isn't out there.

8/7/23

Major blow today, found out I wont be getting a needed sleep study until Fracking OCTOBER.

I need to get it done so I can get my gastric bypass surgery, so ipsofacto, I wont be getting surgery done any time this year more than likely.

This is a big blow. I am not doing well and I feel like giving up.

I knew this crap was going to happen so I shouldnt be surprised.

8/8/23

Glad not many people, well no one is really reading my journal, and if they do, I honestly dont care. Long as some child doesn't respond.

This isn't for children

Anyhow, some semi good news I can probably get my doc to refer me to a sleep study sooner than the VA can offer it. So i gotta get back to my doc and get that crap moving.

I need to get to the gym if I cant get this surgery done this year.

still battling fatigue, anxiety, and depression. I need to leave this area. move some where cool and up north. away from hurricanes.

8/16/23

mine as well have been by a hurricane right now.

i got my property tax notice for this year, and evidently my moms passing has made its way some how to the county tax office.. i no longer have my mothers tax exemptions on the home, and i do not qualify for any kind of exemption myself.

looks like i got to take a hike to the tax office tomorrow and get some kind of answer.

9/3/23

Nothing good to report.

Things went downhill. don't know if I already mentioned this, doesn't matter. The exemptions I was receiving for the house has ended, which means the property taxes have gone up. And since I am not 65, this is no longer going to be sustainable for my father and I. though I didn't intend on having him support me forever, I just was hoping I could part when I was ready. In a way I still am. I am still moving slowly to getting my gastric bypass, if that happens by the beginning of Jan 2024 I will be lucky, I should be fairly recovered by the end of 2024 and by 2025 I figure late spring, I should have solid plans on where to move.

Which comes the fear. The real fear of life. Doing things on my own with no more safety nets. You would think I would have been terrified in the US Army. Knowing that at some point I could have been put into a combat situation. PFT Not even. I had zero fears when I was in the Army. I had 3 meals a day, a room to myself at one point, and a paycheck every two weeks which i foolishly blew away.

Youth is definitely wasted on the young. Or time. I honestly didn't think I would make it out of the army alive, I figured I would have gotten into some kind of situation combat, or just running my mouth and been dead before my time was done. But it eventually ended and I left.

Then, I figured I would care for my mother, till I dunno,,,, and then what... I had no plan I just assumed we would both live forever I guess. My mental health was deteriorating unbeknownst to me. And I had no real ambitions in life anymore. I was told caring for my mother was my job, so I figured that meant I was doing good. Deep down I knew I wasn't doing enough, but the anxiety was and is still killing me.

Now the safety net of caring for my mother is gone, and the family home and I; are financially draining my father. My dad is more than happy to keep financing things as long as he can, and it just isn't right.

Hence the last play that I can fathom is now coming together.

Get my gastric bypass surgery and drop all the weight I can and get back into reasonably healthy shape. ( paid through the VA thankfully ) Once I heal up and the weight is off. here comes the void....

sell the home, move, and start my own anything.

Where to move to, Not really sure all I know is out of Florida and North to a cooler state.

I have an online friend who is moving somewhere, where she and her fam goes, if it is Ohio, I'd consider moving there. I may consider moving near them where ever they go even if it is a hot state. Because they are good people and could help me with my ambitions. That is if they do actually visit me first, like she said she would, I am not too sure. yet. but hopeful.

So then I have to find a small piece of land to live on, and either live off solar power or a water well or both, in a tiny, to small single person home, that could lend itself to growth.

If i can get on solar power or a water well, that would save a lot of money, especially if it is both.

Then the work.

Ill have a stroke before any of this happens i think.

Ill get a tear drop trailer to sell coffee from, either do it myself, or have a partner some how, that I can split the profits 50/50 with or 60/40...

or lawn maintenance, it will all depend on how much money is left after I find a place to settle down.

An after that it is a wing and a prayer like anyone else in life, difference is, I wont be answering a manager, and angry customers I can just tell to sit and spin.

I hope between it all, I somehow break out of my anxiety, and find a woman who wants to be with me and go on in life with me and maybe we can do this together and be happy.

The reality I suspect that will happen is, I'll get the surgery done, lose the weight, my dad will pass away before im ready and that will throw me into a spiraling downward nose dive of anxiety and im going to panic beyond belief. ball up into a ball. just poof.

An then if it does work. HA, considering my life and the saying of an object in motion stays in motion, history repeating itself, life deals ya a bad hand and ya gotta play with what ya got, there ya go i like that last one, I still got a bad hand in life, every once in awhile a bad hand wins, for various reasons, and then what happens after those wins, back to losing.

I have zero faith my life will work out to where I will be comfortable let alone financially stable. An I seriously doubt I'll ever have a good woman in my life. I'll succumb to my mental health is what I think will be realistic to what will happen.

9/8/23

It is nice to see I don't have any responses here, people can read and leave, maybe leave a like, and that is fine, but responses are really not that necessary or wanted.

I honestly wish I could forget every bad thing I have done in my life because it is a lot. And it haunts me, from the stupid to the intentional. I don't know how to let it go. I've tried prayer, reconciliation, meditation; to therapy with a psychologist over and over. Every negative thing I have done is engrained in my brain and soul, the memories sadden and humiliate me.

Along with a lot of awkward moments where anxiety got the best of me in a public situation and I either froze, stammered, or couldn't grasp what was going on, or didn't want to speak up in protest.

There are some great and interesting things I have done with my life, from being a support to the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society and being an online influencer to the group, to my service in the Army that has mentally scarred me, to my religious endeavors that failed and spiritually broke me, along with being a decent artistic photographer and volunteering at a homeless shelter for almost 3 years, an excellent caregiver for my mother, and a pretty good uncle

But what I have to show for my efforts that were good, is nothing. Because good deeds don't bring one financial stability.. I focused on trying to be a good person and doing things that brought positivity to others without thinking about needing a career that brought me an income, mostly because I didn't want to live, I just assumed my life would be over somehow before I hit an age that mattered.

That and when I tried to find a career for myself either through college training or on-the-job training, I tended to not have a good work ethic or the stamina to persevere in a demanding or emotionally and physically draining job; even in the Army, but the Army is a different story but all are linked by me and my parents not realizing, I had at the time growing up and into my young adulthood, severe depression and anxiety issues, which I am now understanding, but feel it is too late for me to really learn how to cope, manage, and be productive with.

I have hopes and dreams of doing something that I can either own and make money from, a small business to support myself, but I doubt it will come about. Failure seems to be my life. With nothing but a majority of negative failures in my life, and being taught to fear trying anything risky by my parents, it is hard to shake that and believe things can be better and I can become financially stable to some small degree.

Even with a loving family, we are distant, and I rarely see the ones I want to see because of the distance and they have lives of their own.

I feel like an afterthought, or a charity case, come visit me, tell me you love me, pat me on the head wish me the best and then leave till you have the time to come back and do it again.

I am just as terrified of meeting a woman and bringing her into my life, as much as I hate being lonely, I fear the embarrassment of having to explain my life to someone that I am interested in and trying to pretend that I have hope for a better life. When in reality I just want to pin my hopes of a better life on a woman I can love and treat with respect and just have fun enjoying life and living for someone else that wants me in her life.

In the end, my mental health will get the best of me, finances are going to run dry, no one will be able to help me because they dont know how to. And then my life is going to end.

I truly believe God exists, but I no longer believe God had a plan for me, or cares about me anymore and never cared about me to begin with, because no matter how hard i tried to be good, the Roman Catholic Church made sure to explain that one never can be and will always be tainted to some degree. Even if it is through no fault of their own. Even if we are made in the image and likeness of God.

And the Roman Catholic Church will never admit to being wrong, about anything they have taught, or admit they are just winging it and hoping for the best because God doesn't sit down and chit chat with them to explain *** that they get wrong. So what do the leaders of the Church do, puff their chest, claim they were chosen through what they have reasoned to be, to be able to decide and dictate how others should live even though Jesus taught something completely different.

I thought I could somehow fix things and that was my mistake, because when rot sets in, there is no fixing things that are rotted, they have to be removed, and for some reason, God is in no way interested in a rotted house being fixed let alone removed to the original foundation and rebuilt better.

God did what he wanted to do for the world, and nothing more is going to be done, and it is not my duty or obligation to correct or fix anything. Also I learned that when I lost my faith in the hierarchy of the Church, and seeing the corruption and hypocrisy first hand I just wanted no more of it, I knew how to play the game to advance and be apart of the Church, but in the end I couldn't stomach the garbage.

I think my purpose in life was to help and protect my mother the best I could, and now that she is gone, I am lost. Lost, rambling, and hurt. Waiting for it all to end. I'll keep trying to make my life better because I just don't know what else to do until there is no more room to keep trying to make my life better.

9/16/23

My dad managed to inadvertently *** me off once again for my birthday like he does every year, thinking he is being funny, and then just being aloof. I tried to not complain about it but there ya go.

My dad does love me and means well it is just, he does a lot of passive-aggressive b.s and can be insensitive and then instead of apologizing for a mistake he makes, he gets passive-aggressive and starts acting stupid.

anyhow

just more complaining nothing too positive to talk about, other than visiting my older sister for a few days, should make up for my birthday.

still waiting on my stupid gastric bypass, ill be surprised if it happens, and I honestly dont think it is going to help anything.

I just wish my life was over with. I keep going and trying and failing and it is just a constant cycle that never ends. i tell my dad my plans to be independent work for myself, make some passive income then he goes, well you could find an apprentice program, and im like fing great here we go again, i dont want to work for anyone ever again i told you this already.

DUR

nothing to watch on tv, all i have done all summer is, sleep, i dont want to do yard work anymore on the property, just want to leave. drive until i cant and run out of money and then end it

pretending my life is going to get better one day is an fing joke and i know it.