Thebestscreenname Journal
Tired of making multiple threads. Mine as well consolidates my thoughts. *6/30/23
I'll have to remember to date my entries.
I prefer digital on this forum, to " Journal" only because it isn't really journaling in the sense that, other people can drop by lend support or some sympathy/empathy/ or own insight.
So, I am now installing handrails in my father's home, I don't want to, I have to, because he refuses to do the necessary things he should have done when he hit 78 and pulls the same crap he did when I was a kid, you are going to do what I say cause I'm your dad. Same now that he is an old man, he isn't going to do anything he should do because it is his way or the highway and if he wants help he is going to get it the way he wants, which is me doing what needs to be done, aka caring for him.
My older sister stepped up a little bit and ordered groceries for him the other day which i appreciated and I hope she does more often.
All I know is if I had a family of my own, I wouldn't of done this, I wouldn't be like my dad and have this entitlement that you are my kids you better take care of me or ima just let everything fall to pieces.
Not like I got to worry about having a family, being in my 40s now, single, never married. just a giant itshay show, no drugs or criminal record, just mental health issues and I am more an more becoming isolated from society while every so slightly trying to reach back out into it.
I look back at my time in the Army, and what I thought was fun, was really me just acting out, trying to fit in with people that honestly did not care about me, and I was trying to cover up a ton of pain that was inflicted on me in the Army. An the few good people that I did run across, my immaturity ended up screwing up those possible friendships. Hindsight is a real kicker, cause if I could I'd go back and tell myself, to start keeping a journal of the hardships, keep quiet, stop acting out and acting up, go find help with in the Army, dont tell anyone in my unit I am getting help. An consider getting a lawyer to help change things for me. Or that I will be in charge of my own supply unit in due time but once in I can't be a screw-up anymore. I have to take it serious. An if I do, things can get better for me, and I can make a career out of the Army and retire with comfort.
instead, my anxiety took over my life completely. my depression is come and go, now i also found out i have Autism so I have to figure out what that exactly means for me specifically. Chances are my Autism was always there just became more profound now.
Now, I am at the point in life I do not want to be alone anymore, but the only way I can meet a woman is through a dating site.... but my issue is, will my anxiety go down enough that I can be in a relationship, and not be a constant jittery spaz like some kind of wired up cartoon.
I would like to think if i took things with ease, I could build into a great relationship.
9/29/23
Visited my older sister in Palm Bay, Fl, I will not be flying again any time soon. Was a miserable flight too and from, but being with my sister was fun.
Two d bags in front of my seats were talking about how fat I am, I wanted to speak up so bad, and didn;t. probably for the best.
I hate people.
I am getting closer to completing the steps i have to complete for my gastric bypass surgery, I have no idea why I am doing it other than it is something to do. I do and don't care about my weight. Part of me hopes this gives me a fresh start once the weight gets off. Part of me hopes something happens on the operating table and my lights get turned off.
I dread having to sell the family home because my dad is going to stick his fingers in it constantly, constantly asking how much am i selling it for, dont be a fool, do this do that.
I dont want to go through that.
I dont want to keep constantly trying and failing.... I wish it was all over.
Part of me hopes I get lucky on eharmony, and someone falls for me and i can just give her all my money and be like, here, keep us afloat and all i can give you is my love i cant be a provider, i can do simple stuff, cook , clean maintance stuff, i can fight to the death to protect you from anyone who would want to hurt you, but im just not smart in terms of staying afloat financially. I am a dependent person, so if you die before me, ima be lost and give up on life. I hate people but I want to try and enjoy the outdoors to some degree.
i hate myself.
10/20/23
Nothing really new has changed, I came here again, to just say I feel so damn anxious and I hate it, I took my meds and everything is just jittery in my chest.
I tried to say that things are getting bad by looking at possible triggers, new friends coming to visit next month, surgery getting closer, getting a cpap machine, but i am lying to myself on that. more excuses than anything.
nothing is getting better for me, even though physically I am doing positive things for my body. my mental health is totally shot, and I honestly do not want to keep going.
The problem is I have just enough people who would be hurt by my absence even though we do not see each other daily. I kind of resent that to a degree.
11/15/23
Closer to getting my Gastric Bypass, I am really uninterested in getting this done. I am doing it for the sake of just doing something and knowing that there is a chance for at a minimum, better physical health. The awful truth is part of me really hopes I do no make it through the surgery, that something unexpected happens and that is that.
I hate and resent having parent issues. My parents did their best on one hand but on the other did a lot that screwed me up.
Now I just miss my mom more than anything. My dad is the only parent I got left, and I cant help but remember my childhood with him being nothing more than Monday Wed Friday and every other Saturday. He really didn't want to be a father and now, now that I am in the crap. He wants to.
He has done a lot to protect me but again, as a father, didn't do enough to teach me to be independent or how to stand up for myself.
Both parents taught me to be afraid, to give up, that I can't do anything and then wonder why I am in the mess I am in.
I want more for myself, I want a better life but I just do not have the gas in the tank anymore to continue.
I don't want to hurt my loved ones by harming myself, yet I don't want to continue living in misery.
I am lost.
Took me awhile to find my own thread..
Gastric bypass coming up soon for me. I should drop 50-100 lbs in 6mnths maybe 125lbs in a year.
that will put me back down to the 195-200 range. where I will still be overweight just not morbidly obese anymore. I honestly do not even want the surgery. It means nothing to me.
I am doing it F me if I know why really. Just to have some brief interaction with people I guess in a hospital setting.
It will at least, get me relatively healthy and cut costs on needing food. I will get rid of my sleep apnea, and be physically healthy.
I am literally shooting myself in the foot by physically making myself better and thusly prolonging my miserable life.
I realize how lonely I am now and that is becoming the real problem. The social anxiety disorder, blocks me from reaching out to new people. Partially because I have such a bad history of meeting the wrong people. I end up letting myself get manipulated or trying to conform to a group that I am really not interested in, or I end up in a group where I am just there, existing and not really appreciated or noticed.
I keep talking to psychologists and psychiatrists and for what, what good has it really done me?
I am still in the ***.
on an on an on.
And the meds. what good are they doing me really? They numb the pain is all, it isn't improving my life any.