The heart of the unseen

I feel unseen but needed

Its natural for humans to want to be seen and understood

When I say seen I don’t mean in the ‘center of attention’ way but in the ‘see you as fully accepted and functioning person’ way

The way in which I don’t have to question if all of me is enough 

The way in which I don’t have to have my walls up

The way in which I don’t have to hide who I am 

But I am needed

Im the oil that keeps other's lives running

Emergency? Call me the Paramerics because im just one call away

A mess? Call me housekeeping because im there to clean it up

Life is hard? Call me a mentor cus ill be there to help and here you out

Im the glue that keeps things together

Im the oil that keeps the mecheien running

But what about when….

… I have an emergency?

… I have a mess?

… My life is hard?

Then its me and me?

Sometimes I wonder do people want to help and I don’t let them?

Maybe I don’t know how to let others help me?

But I look around and see no one there for me.

But maybe that’s not fair, maybe they show they care or are willing to help the same way that I do so I can’t see them wanting to help?

This might be true

But what happens when im actively diving and I look around to see others watch me drown

All of this is exciting.

The constant need to be ‘on’.

The knowledge that no one likes you for you but what you can do.

The constant battle between concert and growth

So what?

I let my frustrations out on a website where I am anonymous in hopes that someone finely sees me for who I am, even ifs the part of me that’s struggling, and validates my emotions but I continue in what I'm doing in my life and continue to feel this frustration till what? I write another frustrating post like this in 3 months?

Actions

Here are my actions.

Starting February…

… ill stop putting it ‘on’ and be myself and if that’s not accepted then that’s none of my business.

… Ill set stronger boundaries

… I’ll start putting my desires first

I won’t lie to you though, if there is an emergency, mess or someone desperately needs me, ill be there. I can’t just sit back and see others hurt and not help.

Why February? Why not now?

Because there is an Emergency in where the unseen version of me is needed and I refuse to let others hurt because I need to be seen 

Its hard, this need to nurture the side of me that sees the world through the eyes of a kid but also realize that im not a child and wanting to see the world as such may be the thing holding me back. However its fundamentally who I am, knowing that anything is possible, that no one is truly ill-willed, and that the world wants you to win, that is who I am so how do I keep that but also realize im not a child and the world dose not treat me as such.

Gods revolution to me as of right now

2 things

Focus 

Elevation

I feel like God is making me question what I'm focusing me, what you focus on, you put time in and that becomes who you are.

Am I focusing so much on others that who I am is the one that helps everyone else but not herself?

Its about elating who you are and not completely changing it. 

Change is inevitable but how you change is what’s important, I don’t have to change who I am I just need to elevate it.