The letter I won’t send

I remember before the trip I bought clothes and I thought I looked good in them

I was exited, to take pictures, to enjoy life 

How we feel is based on our own perception of ourself’s 

Reality is a tricky thing because outside of a few universal truths I(.e science), reality is based off perception 

So for me it was my reality that the clouths I bought looked good on me and made me feel good

I put others before myself

So when in the trip I was wearing clothes that I thought I looked good in but you clearly didn’t so I put your feelings ahead of mine 

It wasn’t that I cared that you didn’t like what I was wearing, it was that you didn’t like how you were treated with me around 

You basically said it was for two reasons, my wheight and how i dressed

I couldn’t alter my weight over night so I altered how I dressed and let you choose

That way it at least would help 

Then I changed my behavior 

I had on clothes that I was wearing for you - that’s not to say that I didn’t feel ok in them but it’s to say knowing that the cloths I liked you hated made me not want to wear them around you and I didn’t. The clothes you made me where made me feel ok and like a child who’s mother picked her clouting I just didn’t feel good in them the same why I used to because you didn’t like the way you were treated with me around 

Then there were the rules 

They weren’t outright stated but things like don’t talk to others. Say hi to dog, small things like that Made me change my behavior

It also felt like I always said and did the wrong things 

Perception is a b because I could feel fine but I know you didn’t 

So I changed

I tried to be as neutral as possible 

I tried to not touch anything say anything and do anything 

Heck I even tried to change my rbf to a resting neutral face 

All of this was in hopes that you would feel more comfortable with me around you in public

All of this resulted in me hating the trip 

I appreciate the places I was and things I got to do but I couldn’t enjoy them because I was uncomfortable and to busy trying not to embarrass you by how I looked and acted

I appreciate the exposer I do and I couldn’t be more grateful for them but I couldn’t enjoy them

There were so many times on the trip that I wish I could have let go and be myself 

Run into the summer water

Dance on the beach

Talk with strangers 

But I never did because I was always scared I would embarrass you

So I didn’t 

I say my favorite trip was going to Iceland 

Why? 

Because it was the only time on the trip that I can be myself in all aspects and enjoy it

I was aware of how I was treated although it felt like I was treated good it’s perception 

My perception was the only thing I was worried about and it was put first 

I got to experience Iceland without having to worry about if someone else perceives if they are treated differently because I’m not around 

I wasn’t worrying about if I was not embarrassing them by existing 

I want to make it clear- it was never about being selfcostios 

I didn’t/don’t have issues with my body or how I dress

It was always about how others (you) felt when I was around 

I also know this wasn’t in my head

You made it clear and even said ‘the quite part out loud’

Perhaps this is the part I don’t want to admit but after some time, I ended up feeling bad about myself

I could only take so much of someone telling me I’m ugly and fat and who I naturally am is not excepted till I start to believe it

Perhaps I’m not ready to except that at some point you made me selfcotios 

I know I’ve ignored the elfephent in the room

So let me address it

Although what you said and did that day hurt 

It was nothing you haven’t said before

It was the one time that I put my foot down

And like I expected it wasn’t respected 

However I everything you said I knew you thought already

Was I shocked by the whole thing?

Yes

Wad I surprised?

No 

You validated everything I thought 

It validated this letter

Like I said it did hurt but not as much as you think and not why you think

I don’t care about what you did or said 

What hurt is the validation of what I desperately hoped was in my head 

You wonder why I think you will leave? 

Why I think you already have? 

Because at some point I will stop putting your perseption ahead of my own and you will not have it and distance yourself

Perhaps you will stay close with the other siblings because they are more like you then me

Either way I think that trip is why when you find people that you don’t feel embarrassed to be around or you don’t feel like you have to change to be around you will chose them over us- any day

That’s ok - it’s not a bad thing, sometimes chosen family become real family 

That temporary part hurts and realizing your in it hurts even more 

In a decade or so you’ll realize how right I am

Anyways,

I’m glad I went on the trip

I grew as a person when it comes about how to act while eating 

I got to see a different world

I also realized that I won’t let other people treat me like that ever again 

You ask would I ever go back 

The answer is yes just not with you 

I would go back with people that I felt comfortable around and felt comfortable with me around 

I want to go back and experience the places again but this time truly enjoy them instead of what ever this trip was

You also ask if we weren’t sisters would we be friends 

When you asked I said yes

Because I am friends with people like you 

People that are girly girls that like to dress nice and do nice things 

Heck when I’m not around you I become that person to

I was holding on to the hope that there was more to our relationship then just the obligation of sisterhood

After the trip?

Not a chance 

I would never ever be friends with a person that makes me feel ugly, unexpected and uncomfortable 

I also wouldn’t be friends with people that judge other people so much 

I wound be friends with a mean girl

It’s hard to say but it’s true

I realize you are changing 

Up till this month you were a mean girl

But you are changing and I not only appreciate that but I also recognize your actions and effort