There could always be « better »

There could always be better. And I’m not saying that in a motivation way. The fact that better still and always exists means to me that I’ve never reached the “best”. 

I’ve been in a mid state for so long that I’ve normalized it. And I still do. Like a lot of us I guess. But thinking about it makes it ten times harder to live. 

I don’t know what truly good is. And maybe I’ll never know. Because even though I always feel mid, okay or fine, that’s enough for me to get through the motions, to keep living, to survive. And to reach that point of truly good would mean to put in a new kind of effort. An effort that would make me get back under fine and probably touch the bottom before I can get back to the surface. 

And that’s where I stop. Because nothing motivates me to get further down when I’m already feeling like I’m drowning. Not even the hope of getting back up. Because that’s what it is: hope. And that thread is too thin to pull onto when you’re drowning and there’s no one to hold the other end of it.

Drowning is the numbness and the quiet, while the surface demands to swim, to pop back up into the noise of the outside. So I stay there in my mid water. Helplessly falling deeper and towards the bottom. Because hoping for better, hoping for a lifeline to be thrown at us doesn’t make the swimming to reach it easier.

Maybe I’ll never know good, but I won’t deliberately dive deeper either.