This is latter

I pride myself on choosing kindness when it becomes a choice

People would describe me as a nice and caring person, some may even say I'm the kindest person they know

Its something I'm prideful about because it's not always the easiest choice

But I've been exceptionally mean to someone recently 

At first, it started in my mind

Then I started to make unnecessary comments 

That led to me questioning things they like and enjoy

And eventually, it led to just mean comments

At times I justify the action by thinking things like ‘ I was asking a question knowing it came from not a great place

Or by saying things like ‘ I haven’t eaten that’s why im mean’

Other times I don’t justify it and accept that its part of a larger issue I should address latter

This is latter 

I went on a trip that was meant to be a vacation with this person ive been meen to 

Every day on that trip, they made me feel horrible about myself

Of the nearly two weeks we were on the trip they mentioned a touchy subject every day besides 2

I counted

They also said and did things to me that were unexpectable, stoking and hurtful 

They crossed a line and that’s a big understatement 

A trip that was meant to be the vacation of my dreams became a trip of my nightmares 

I think I hold resentment (maybe)

I was beyond hurt, still am

That trip was when I realized no matter how hard I try I will never and can never be the person they want me to be

Its when I realized that I was holding onto something that has been gone for so long 

Its also when I realized I would never let someone treat me like that or make me feel like that again

Its when I realized we view the world differently and we fundamentally value different things

So that leads to today 

To give them credit, they have grown 

They are a lot nicer and although they still make comments that don’t make me feel the best, I think it's important to agrology and celebrate they are trying 

But the hurt part of me has been lashing out recently

Is it resentment?

I resent the way they make me feel so I lash out

But that’s not an excuse 

I’ve just been mean because im hurt and that not ok

I’m doing the best I can with the tools, knowledge and experiences I have

I grew up letting others say and do whatever they wanted to me

I grew up believing keeping your mouth shut keeps the peace 

As an adult I realized that you cannot ignore problems, you have to talk through them

I never saw conflict resolution at any part of my life

So im teaching myself on how conflict resolution looks like in real relationship

Actions

Here are my actions 

1. Realize it - you can’t change things you don’t acknowledge and I want to take a moment to acknowledge that this is what im feeling and why
2. Post it- it may sound silly but posting it on this platform gives me the opportunity to hear a different point of view and put what’s in my head and put it on paper
3. Have a confirmation- in the next 2/3 weeks a conversation will happen and it will start with me apologizing with how im treating them and talk about the trip- because after they started to make me feel bad about myself I rested by not being myself and they need an explanation 
4. Long term solution - I know the real long term solution but the person things it won’t happen so what is solution B- a

I believe strongly to give the grace of change to others, ive changed tremendously and I hope they accept this person of me that may look different then it looked like 6 months ago and I hope others except me for that to so I have to do that with others