To be something

TW:might be overly dramatic or emotional for some ,very long

Hello there everyone 

My name here is bubble ,i believe if you spoke to me before you'd think this a great suit for who i am ,bubbly and chaotic and way too positive probably ,maybe we haven't spoken before ,however ,i am happy to see you 

I haven't ever posted a forum so i am quiet awkward ,am also feeling like I am just being overly dramatic and emotional because I saw a sad movie ,but well ,here we are , I don't know how much writing this might help me ,I might sound like an ungrateful girl ,but I'll just write it. 

So to almost everyone that's met me ,until very recently at least ,I have always been the perfect bouncing ball of positiveness ,a talkative bright talented girl ,who sees the world through a pink lenses ,the one that everyone believed can never be affected, the "too much" kind of a person ,to some i was the perfect girl ,perfect behaviour, religious, sweet ,hardworking ,to some i am probably annoying , disrespectful, stubborn ,and to be honest , I don't blame any of them for what they think about me ,i am really all of that

But well ,where it hurts is, no matter how good or bad I am in someone's story , it's never enough for me to be special ,I had some hardships growing up ,enough to say my childhood wasn't the best ,but not enough so that I can have a story and feel something ,i am not saying I am not grateful for not having it as bad as some people or making people's problems any of a less ,i bet by now you think am probably in a phase , can't really blame you 

I have never ever felt good enough, there was always something that made me feel less ,even when I leave him feeling good ,i end up feeling bad when am among others ,I always feel lesser ,I have never felt true happiness, I don't know how to chase it ,no matter how good something can be , it's always hollow for me ,i always imagine the moment it ends and never the see however good it is right now 

There's being good and there's being bad ,then there's the curse of being average ,well ,sweet ,but not enough to be anyone's favourite person ,lovable ,but not enough to be actually loved ,smart ,but scores on paper don't really matter in real life you know ,not until they're bad.. pretty, but not pretty enough to be admired ,not really ,then i look at people around me ,and I see all perfection, some people so gorgeous it hurts to look at them ,people who are so easily loved ,people who do everything perfectly ,people who have stories ,people who have something ,once again am grateful ,but it still hurts ,i am always living in my head ,imagining a story ,something ,with a good ending ,or a terrible one ,I just want to feel something ,or maybe want someone to feel something for me ,even regret ,anything ,i want to have a story ,I have a decent life ,I know I have my mom ,i am her heart and I should be working on loving her ,taking care of her ,yet I am not ,i am wasting my time like this ,I always feel terrible about myself ,no matter how many compliments ,no matter how much affection, I always feel terrible ,always feeling awkward and ugly and nothing ,trying hard always but always turning out awkward and weird, i am a good memory ,never a good character, i am the kind of person you'll remember they said a kind thing ,not that they were kind ,the fleeting character in books that you look at and think "oh wow! That's nice!" But well ,am nothing , I have nothing really to live for , I don't want to belong to this world or this society yet I am not doing anything , I don't actually believe I'll ever find a purpose or a happy life or be loved or be held ,I have people who love me yet I am betraying them by letting myself fall like this ,i love life and nothing particularly at all , whenever I try to imagine a good life ,i end up imagining something worse that makes me fall apart and cry ,I just want to be someone ,i want to have a story ,good or bad ,i want to feel like a character ,like I matter ,i am failing at the only things I got validation for since I never liked my looks or personality, studying and religion, I don't study anymore , I don't pray ,and to be honest ,i am not even excited about getting better or trying to do anything cause it feels pointless ,cause I'll never be admired , I'll never be loved deeply , I'll always be a second person to people ,I know happy endings are not always there ,I know even worse things will happen to me ,and I think I've tried for so long to look at the good side of everything and maybe that's why I am such a terrible comforter , I think I've come to realize some things are just terrible , there's no good to them ,no justification,no lesson behind, no wisdom, they're just awful ,maybe I hadn't faced them yet ,and I'll probably regret those words when I do 

I loved to see the magic in everything ,in my real name ,in little things in me ,I see everyone as incredibly beautiful, except me probably ,I see the little things as miracles ,and everything is majestic to me ,and it made me feel a little unique ,like I had my world ,and that when I get my chance I'll probably bloom or shine so bright and have my adventure, but apparently life doesn't work out that way ,my imagination whether good or bad will probably never come true , I'll never get to give someone or anyone all the love that I keep and always end up being hated or ignored when I try to give to people around me ,and I'll never be held like I am worth something,I know am too young ,but time doesn't really change what we don't change ,and I don't know how to change ,all I know is that ,I should have been worthy of something,now I am like a flower ,in a field of millions of pretty flowers 

I kind of am losing hope in trying ,because this feels easier..safer..to just admit that I'll always be on the average pedestal ,no matter how good it gets ,or bad , I'll never actually feel different,it feels pointless ,it feels easier to just lose everything,i only am hurting for my mom and the one or two other people that believed in me ,they deserved better 

But I have to admit ,when I realized I had ocd and depression symptoms,I felt bad ,this sounds pathetic to say out loud ,cause they are not considered serious enough for me to be facing a problem or to get attention (I know how hard ocd and depression are ,and if you're facing them ,then I feel you , it's terrible ,i am just saying they are not taken as seriously as other mental issues) ,so then it felt like well , I don't have a story now,everything is just average ,just okay ,which would be a blessing for someone who is having a hard time ,but is somehow a curse for me , I know it's me the problem .. whenever I hear a story ,i immediately imagine it to be mine ,imagine what I would do and all that comes with maladaptive daydreaming,all cause I want to feel special ,like I am a hero in a story ,or a villain,or someone special ,to feel something that I don't know how to feel in real life ,and I end up making myself miserable and hurting,i feel so pathetic to say the least,this is stupid ,but it's just how I feel ,i am not as lovely as i might seem or try to be ,i am just an average person with a bunch of failed attempts at being something 

I just wanted to let my emotions flow out ,there is so much more I want to say but I am not good with words ,and this is awfully long honestly ,and maybe someone could be sharing this feeling with me ,i hear you 

I am not waiting for a solution or a quote , that's what I usually do whenever someone vents ,but right now ,i understand how that was wrong of me ,i was just sharing my probably dramatic feelings , I'll let it hurt while it does 

If you arrived till here ,thank you for putting in time to read this ,i appreciate you.

I hope you have a good day.