Too much to do

Dear Friend,

These are the crucial hours of my day. The two hours before sleep. I was wondering hours ago what I had to do- I had to write some letters, had to start the math lecture, paint, draw. I didn't know which one to pick so I could have some relaxed time before sleep, not rushing and feeling too stressed to sleep. Well, I did write those letters but wasted the rest of the time watching short films. Now I still have for like an hour, but even that is not certain. Do I start the lecture or do I draw? Or do I do the getting unstuck exercise, to help me when I feel oh so lonely and abandoned? When I need another hit of him?

I miss him. He's crispy, he's crunchy, he's salty, tart. He's anti depressant. He's ice skating, he's flying on the corner of the titanic ship, he's falling from the height but caught at the perfect moment. He's running through the fields.

He's hollow, he's fear, he's a man child. He's insane amount of fear and hollow as if I'll get swallowed down. Now I am afraid. Afraid that I don't really have anything to hold onto, so I don't fall into his space again. If I do, I would have to deal with the hollow, I would have to take care of the man child. I feel like that's such a waste.

So now I am lonely again. No one is there for me, fresh in the mind. Which one should I pick? The math lecture, or drawing? Both? By disturbing sleep so I'll suffer for the rest of the month?

Love,

Seashell.