Turning into the person that broke me.

@Ch3rry98 The worst part of prolonged trauma isn't becoming who we're afraid of, it's the hyperarousal response state which sees everything as a potential threat, or trigger. This is what you're very sadly demonstrating Ch3rry - your own fears are holding you hostage, where everything is being taken as evidence against yourself. If you're able to say who you don't want to become like - this is a valid driver, it's also the second time this week I've responded to an OP highlighting 'the power of negative influences'. Also that you're able to identify the qualities that you do want to embody, such as being more loving or expressive, illustrates further your high level of self awareness.. Carl Jung said that "until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate". This is why shadow-work is imperative, to be able to reconcile those aspects of ourselves that we despise or fear. We're all capable of being horrible, or hating ourselves - that's our shadow speaking.  You've already started the process by being aware that there's work to do Ch3rry, so no, it's not too late in the slightest. I'd also recommend taking a look at the Transforming Trauma growth path on here, for more on t he impact of traumatic experience. Sending you my best wishes.

Hey, I hear every word you wrote, and before anything else, I need you to know: you are not him. The very fact that you're questioning, worrying, reflecting, and feeling this much proves it. The people who break others don’t sit in silence wondering how to love better. They don’t ache at the idea of becoming someone who harms. You do, because your heart is still tender, still fighting, still real.

Trauma does strange things to us. It plants fear in our mirror. It makes us question if we’re becoming the monster that hurt us. But you? You’re waking up to yourself, that’s not a downfall. That’s your healing beginning.

You're not turning into the person who broke you, you're turning into someone who survived them.

Listen… pain can twist us, yes. It can make us lash out or pull away, but your self-awareness is your armor. You don't need to be perfect to be a good person. You just need to keep showing up, like this. Keep choosing love, even if it trembles. Keep choosing truth, even if it hurts.

You asked if your love will ever show. I’ll tell you: it already is. In your guilt, in your fear, in your desperate wish for your mom to know you love her, that is love. That’s the kind of love that’s raw, unpolished, but real. And it's the kind that still has the power to heal both of you.

You're not too far gone. You’re not broken beyond repair. You are a work in progress, like all of us. And the fact that you're willing to do the work? That’s where your redemption lives. Not in the past, but in this very moment.

So don't hate yourself. Hug that hurting version of you. Tell them, "You’ve made it this far. I got you now".

And one last thing: You're not horrible. You’re human. And a damn brave one at that.

Stay. Keep growing. Keep loving, even if it’s messy.

You’re already becoming someone better.

Put a picture of yourself as a child on your phone wallpaper, seriously. That little you, with all that softness, wonder, and hope in her eyes… she was never a monster. And she’s still in there, still rooting for you. Every time you look at her, remind yourself: you’re not the villain in your story, you’re someone trying to protect that child, trying to heal for her. Let her be your reminder that you deserve love, grace, and a second chance. That girl didn’t break anything, and neither are you, because you are her, you are still her. You’re just carrying wounds that aren’t your fault. Keep her close. She’ll help you remember who you really are.

Of all the important questions you ask, stop and think — would a truly horrible person even care about what others feel or go through? Or is it just your ego trying to destroy you?

Look, I know how confusing it can be to ask yourself so many questions — sometimes they flood your mind, and if we don’t manage them, we can spiral.

The fact that you ask these questions gives you two beautiful things. First, the ability to understand your actions in the world. Questioning them shows maturity and care, because good people are the ones who are truly aware of the harm they are capable of causing — and even with that knowledge and power, they choose to use it to heal, to build, and to love.

It’s coherent and expected that when you see your shadow, you might think you're horrible. But that thought is far from the truth. That shadow is only a small part of you — and it exists only because of a light that projects the vile, sometimes, useful nature we all carry as human beings. But that light is also what allows you to doubt, to discern your actions, to love — and believe me, that light cannot be broken.

It’s up to each of us to decide whether that light will project more shadow or keep it at bay, allowing it to appear only when necessary — to mark boundaries against the projections of others.

I know it’s painful. But don’t let the projections of others, made only because you gently and lovingly gave them your vulnerability, destroy you. Believe me — if you keep dedicating time, as you're already doing, to seeing that side of you, that “horrible” shadow will become capable of protecting you — and it will also allow your light to shine even brighter.

Keep going.

@Ch3rry98 I have no doubt in the world that, you are not a horrible person. You already display qualities of empathy and compassion and by questioning, you already show what a big heart you have 💜🥰