Uhh new here 💔🙏

Hii yall..this will probably be just yap about anxiety/deppression

Don’t feel like you need to reply !!

important info::: I’m safe, I don’t see my bio dad anymore and went no contact recently!!!!!

(Pretend I’m shaking in fear of being judged)

So my parents divorced when I was a few months old. I have 3 siblings on my dad’s side and six on my mom’s. 7 brothers and a sister. One of my brothers was put up for adoption before my mom met my dad because he err didn’t treat his ex very well and she wanted to protect the baby.

I did public school in kindergarten-1st grade. I got pulled out of first grade because they were trying to hold me back due to me being one reading level behind. Then my mom did “unschooling” till 5th grade. Although I was unschooled I didn’t struggle much academically!! Soo, that’s a positive!

From early ages I’ve experience social anxiety. When my biological dad would take me anywhere I’d be scared and constantly hide behind him or just go completely mute. I had my first panic attack after recently having experienced a traumatic event when I was around 8.

When I was 8-9 was the early start of depression. I didn’t get out of my room much unless I was told to and I didn’t really take care of myself unless someone else did it for me.

When I was ten and more independent I didn’t ever leave my room unless I was told. I was in 5-6th grade at this time. I did virtual with meets so I barely interacted socially. I was on *** a lot, barely showered, didn’t brush my teeth AT ALL, wouldn’t change clothes, etc. I had so many absences and work to do at this time. I had at least 100 missing assignments..and that’s at LEAST.

Seventh grade I got minorly better. It was only because I had gotten into a relationship and wanted him to think I was good and clean. I only took care of myself when he could see me, but it got much worse after that due to how he treated me and how it ended. I was so attached to him he lied and said he cheated three times just to get me to leave. That’s bad on me for not letting go, but he didddd love bomb me so I’m not sure how to see it. We were both young so I forgive him for everything that he did.. even if some of it wass not great

Now I’m in 9th grade. I’ve noticed that the only times I truly take care of myself is when 1. I’m seeing my current bf whether that be FaceTime (which isn’t often) or in person 2. If it’s the 2-4 days out of the month I have any motivation. I don’t have any disorders and I’m very apprehensive about saying I might for whatever reason even if I show signs for a lot. I usually just use being diagnosed with ADD(adhd) as an excuse. A lot of people in my life close to me have said I could have bi polar, autism, BPD… the list goes on and on. But the list being so long and so many people saying different things or similar things confuses me and makes me feel like if I have so many symptoms of so many things then I must have nothing, right??

I’ll not shower or brush my teeth for a week. Not change clothes, barely do any school, have little motivation to talk to anyone, be irritable, etc. but then there’s those golden days where I’m FINALLY deep cleaning my room, doing a ton of school, showering, brushing my hair and teeth, and happily talking to everyone. I don’t even get irritated when my mom asks me to do something. It’s also like I’m less irritable/sensitive. But sometimes anxiety will hit if my mom’s acting weird or if someone says something that I don’t like that could lead to me being in any kind of trouble and it sets me back. My mind will start racing and my heart will sink over small things and then I’ll start the continuous sleeping..and other stuff.

I’ve also started pulling out my hair? I’ve always picked at things. Before when I was little I’d run my hands through my hair for hours on end and not be able to sleep. Then it was picking at scabs on my head, then pimples/blackheads, then now it’s any dry skin (I have eczema) and pulling my hair out. Idk what that’s about but I refuse to be bald, my hair is my entire personality. That’s why it’s so weird to me. I’ll space out and suddenly 30 hairs are gone?? Idk how to stop or how to redirect it.