Unsure how to move forward with my life
I’m a professional musician. I’m very lucky. I get to play drums full time for a band. But I live across the country from my family. Mom dad, siblings, everyone. My girlfriend’s family is all there too. We have a home and three dogs I love. My schedule is dictated by this band and I never really know except several days prior to the month starting. I don’t go home much. But I make a living.
my girlfriend goes home a lot to help her mom run a business. Sometimes months at a time. She really doesn’t like where we live except that I’m there. I have bipolar and have caused issue in our relationship. I’m scared my parents or others will get sick or die and my inaction will cause me to never see them. Going from seeing them constantly to maybe a handful more times in life is scary. I do a solo act that is now successful and I could do that and dictate my time better. But it might mean giving up drumming most of the time to do my one man band.
Im really stuck. Because I worry so much about everything. Even though I don’t have to. But I want to be able to go home. I also feel like the band for the bandleader has become more of a hobby type deal and I want it to be more serious. And also my issue is I worry about putting so much issue towards something that isn’t mine.
im hoping to get some people to give me advice. 5 years ago when i was 25-26 i dropped everything to do this. Now I feel like it doesn’t matter so much anymore. Like it’s just wasting time and I could be spending more time with family. I’m worried I’m making bad decisions. I don’t know.
@Zzpomzz
im not god or someone with all knowledge. but your family won't drop dead. you've been passionate about this for years and now suddenly getting cold feet when you're really in it? you still put in the effort to see your family. you have a loving girlfriend who will listen to your worries. its hard feeling like you won't make it or all of this is for nothing. but would you rather half *** it or go all in and get results ? your family and friends will always be there for you when you and them put in the effort : )
@Zzpomzz hi sweetie ❤ you know, if the band and your career, make you happy then it's ok. You shouldn't feel guilty about living your life. However if your not getting happiness out of it, and you want to settle down more with your partner, and family, then that's ok too.❤ The meaning of life is happiness, so you do whatever makes you happy. Cause that's what matters ❤gives you a giant tiny hug
@Zzpomzz This sounds a bit like a heart/mind thing. Your heart,
intuition, whatever you call it, tells you that it's time to
close the current chapter and move closer to where your your family
lives and where your girlfriend is happier. Your mind however tells you that this job, in this city, is what you wanted, and it's a stable job that allows you to play drums which you love, and it would be better to stick to it.
Now, if I understand correctly, 5 years ago this band was
what you wanted, and you got it, and now it's no longer what
you want. You said "I feel like it doesn't matter so much anymore." When
we feel that something isn't important to us, it can be hard to stick
to it; it can start feeling like a burden and affecting our wellbeing. You said that you
have an alternative, the solo act that is successful, something of your own that you can take in a direction you want. In that case, perhaps it is worth considering a change.
At the same
time, it sounds like your thoughts about your family are spiralling a
bit - I know this feeling very well, this constant worry that sometimes escalates into low-key panic: "What if they
die and I never see them again? What if I'm making the wrong decision? What if my indecision is the problem?" - been there, done that, still doing it. But I've learned that it's important not to let fear make a
decision for you. Don't rush. Try to think about it a few times when you're in a calm state of mind, and try not to worry too much about the consequences of your decision. After all, we can't foresee every single possible outcome - life is unpredictable like that. Sometimes we just gotta 'let Jesus take the wheel' so to speak.
Long story short, I would work on finding a sense of peace, think about your decision when you are feeling calm and balanced, and focus on answering this question: What do I really want at this point? Sounds like a cliche but it really is that simple. Whatever you choose, it will be the right choice, because it will be Yours.