Vent

I feel so invisible and I'm not even complaining at this point in just used to it, it does have to do with me because connection doesn't feel safe all the time it makes me paranoid and anxious i feel obligated and pressured to do certain things when I try to connect with someone if that makes sense. But I certainly want to change myself so I can talk to people but i feel like a burden and a abomination i feel paranoid about people and i end up ruining them before they even start i guess there are some things i need to accept and shame is one of the core things i feel and all the negative beliefs i have about myself are too strong that i deserve to be abandoned i deserve to be beaten i deserve all the sickness they are so strong in my head there are a lot of beliefs i need to unlearn which I got from my childhood. I hide them all away because it doesn't work when you are carrying all those and have to cover them as you try to connect to people it is just as bad opening up to them so I stay away from people but I do also need people and i don't think it's a good idea opening up because people will also start seeing me the same way, which they do most of time and it all feels scary even when someone stays because it doesn't feel real