What am I?

Sometimes I get confused about what am I exactly? Yesterday I overheard two of sister's conversations, and the eldest was just unwrapping and dumping all of her past traumas, bottled-up emotions and all of the issues she never had anyone to talk to about. I felt really bad for her, and was in so much pain and that was the part I didn't understand. My heartbeat fastened within secs, I was barely catching my breathe. My chest tightened up, goosebumps and shaky hands...

I knew part of the conversation involved me. It involved the issue I used to have with her when I was staying with her. Whereas, I was very hurt too, in fact I was the pitiful one, she was way older than me, she was harsh, bossy. She complains a lot, criticizes me, always angry at me. I was always on edge, always afraid, I didn't like her at all(I hatttted her so much then), I was usually frightened at the though of another day in her house, cuz waking up each day around her means repeating the everyday emotional turmoil, stress, fear and sadness. There's no way to escape interacting with her and getting hurt. She became the person I fear the most, more than anything else in my whole life and I rode on with that for 5+ years. Those days, I didn't have a person to safe me, or a person to talk to or rely on, this really changed something in me hugely affecting how I perceive life generally(even now). I was very young then (pre-teen through teen years) anyone could tell how experiences at those developmental age shapes children lives.

When a big issue finally occured and it became a family matter where someone(our parent) finally sees the wrong in her way, it'd make me feel a little better.

Back to yesterday; her narration included all of the ways in which she had been hurt by my parents both when she was growing up (very harsh upbringing) and when I was living with her. How they'd just scold her so bad without even putting into consideration all of the things she had done for me at all. How she'd foot all my bills throughout my secondary school (that time, she was a newly wed), she went on and on about all of the efforts, the pain and personal struggles...

To cut it short, I felt a big load of guilt which is not supposed to be. Just because she was hurt badly too doesn't automatically erases the damages she cost me. And those days? Instead of maybe being happy and excited whenever she took care of my needs, I'd feel burdened by it, the more she does, the more uncomfortable and pitiful I get. Imagine just how I felt about being her responsibility when I just wanted to be free and escape. Having her take care of me physically when she's literally running me insanne, someone who literally turned my whole system down and made me into something else thru anxiety, fear, loneliness and depression at those delicate age. I tried saying all these to myself yesterday just to make my body calm down, but it didn't work. "You don't have to carry that guilt, it's not your fault", it didn't work. I even tried remembering those nights and days I really wished I disappear rather than seeing her, the days I had to cry silently because I dare not to after I've been fed, clothed and given education. I tried remembering all of the dark days, where no one came to safe that little child which was me. But nothing I did yesterday worked.

I don't know why I'm like this, I don't know why I have to feel others pain, especially the "one" that's the root of my traumas and illness too. Why!?? Just what am I? I know for sure that I'm an empath, I'm the kind of person that would give someone else my food even though I'm very hungry too, but maybe from their facial expression and the way they asked for it, I would believe I can handle the hunger more than them so they can go with my food for now lol

But this? This is my first time ever feeling this weird thing, I just don't understand this