What should I do?
I'd like some advice on what to do in this situation.
You see, I have a romantic partner. They are very passionate about acting and they give it their absolute all in everything they do regarding it. However, for that exact reason, I'm worried. It's been a week or so since their last show and they haven't been like themself. They insist they're fine, but I can tell they aren't. They're constantly tired, spacing out, and quieter than usual, which is unlike them. I'd stayed quiet about my worries then.
At some point in this past week, I've realized I may not know them for who they really are. I realized that I didn't know what lay behind that bright personality that I love so much. What made them happy, what made them afraid, what made them sad, all of it. Despite it all, they had known all the sides of me and never failed to be a shoulder for me to lean on. I hadn't given them that same courtesy.
Upon this realization, I tried to reach out. I tried to tell them that if they wanted a shoulder to lean on, I was there, that they weren't alone in whatever they were dealing with, but they still denied it, believing that there was no need to worry and that they were sorry that I thought that. I kept trying but it only resulted in them pushing me away.
I'm afraid that, at this rate, they will push everyone away. As their partner I thought I had an obligation to help, but it seems what I try to do only makes things worse. How can I prove to them that I love them and that I care about them? In this situation, is it even possible? Could I still salvage some part of our relationship, or is it pointless if they wouldn't accept help?
Please, I'd like anything, if it would help. I love them so much and it hurts to just watch them suffer in silence.
@sxndaybonbon
Sometimes people want to figure things out on their own..
I'm sorry to hear their suffering in silence. It can be hard to watch them suffer.
Your doing the right thing i sense by offering support to them.. You've let them know your available to support them..
Thanks for sharing and showing us that you are being kind 🌲
It's hard to know the specifics of your dynamic with your partner, what is normal in this situation, or how long you two have been together (7 years together is very different than 7 months on how well you know someone). But if you've communicated your concerns, and they've expressed that that their experience is different, there's not much else that can be done for the time being. I personally wouldn't rush to worry if the relationship is over or worth persevering, people and dynamics ebb and flow, and a few weeks is a blip in the grand scheme of things. They could bounce right back, it might just take some more time.
Furthermore, when we see someone we care about who we think is struggling, it can be hard to watch it, not only because our empathy for them, but because it often directly uncomfortable for us to sit with the feelings it brings up in ourselves. We can rob them of an experience they need, if we are quick to intercede and remedy their 'pain' because it feels unpleasant for us. (Think of how quick people rush to comfort or offer a tissue to someone who is crying, and how often those people might just need to know it's ok to cry and be witnessed in that sadness.)
If you have reasons to trust your person, then trust them when they say they are ok. Trust them to tell you when they are not. Trust that they will come around when they are ready to talk if you are certain that there is something they aren't telling you.
This is a relatable topic for me, so hopefully sharing the below thoughts from my perspective will still be helpful. If it applies, cool, if not, disregard.
Where I have landed on it is primarily reassuring my person on my willingness to be there as a supportive presence. Even if it means things aren't bright and shiny all the time. Even when it gets difficult or conflict comes up. That also means saying that I believe in them as a capable individual to manage difficult times. And, as you've said, being there for them when they need additional support.
It is also important to own my own feelings and process them accordingly. Their stress might make me feel insecure in our relationship because I experience distance when he is in stressing. But his mood could have nothing to do with me or the security of the relationship. Dealing with the feeling of insecurity is mine to assess, manage and communicate if/when appropriate. Their mood is ultimately theirs to fix and manage. By being able to sort those feelings out it is easier to energetically protect myself when struggles arise. If both people in a downed state doesn't usually help. But if I can stay grounded I can be the presence they need to find their way back to statis. Usually that means remaining accessible to them (and not avoiding or hardening to their struggles), but focusing my attention on something that keeps me upregulated, and open (funny music, a good meal, sunshine on my face, and a good cuddle with my cats).
Last thought, it might be worth communicating with them, that you do want to know them, as you stated in your post. "What makes them happy, sad, afraid, all of it" and what helps them when they are struggling, (even if they continue to stand by the claim that they aren't currently struggling). What does support feel like to them? What were the dynamics they experienced as a kid? How did they witness their parents deal with struggle? All of these things will help you to understand and meet them where they are.
If you do find out over time that they never open up, they never share their struggles, and they always keep thing surface level, and keep a mask in place... that is a different subject, and something separate for you to evaluate if that sort of relationship dynamic works for you. But if you are early in your relationship, openness and trust take time to develop, and some people move along that spectrum slower than others.
Hope this helps! I can tell you have a very caring and attentive heart. Best of luck to you!
@sxndaybonbon
Hi, I am new here... but sometimes when I get home from a big climbing trip or even achieve a big accomplishment (like finishing grad school)... I can get really down afterwards... the high of it is gone, a ton of energy is expended, and it takes me some time to recalibrate/recover. Additionally I might not realize what's up, but just may feel kind of off. Usually a new goal presents itself or I seek it out. As long as I stay curious I know I will be ok. Its when I languish too long in the aftermath that I get taken down. Not knowing what's wrong can be especially unpleasant, when I feel the 'wrong' physically also. Sometimes my friends just kinda drag me out for a while and I start feeling better at some point - finding a new fun thing to work on.
@sxndaybonbon I believe that all you can do is let them know that you are there for them. Like most things in life the last person who notices it, is the person it is happening too. I read the previous comments and agree with what the other users are saying, but sometimes the first big step, is your partner acknowledging it themselves. just let them know you are there when and if they need you, and the rest will fall into place. Take care, both of you
