Why am I here?
I dont express myself because I never do it right and it causes problems. I know that sounds black and white but its hard not to think like that when I keep opening up only for the misunderstandings to make the matters worse. All I ever want is to communicate honestly and solve problems but I have to play this game of social politics that I dont understand. Im constantly overwhelmed and depressed and abusing drugs and alcohol just to try and forget what im feeling and hope it will go away. It never does, because thats not how healing works. I dont understand how im supposed to find peace while living like this. I need support but im not getting it. Im not asking. Its uncomfortable and I dont want it, but I need it. I wasn't raised right, I know that, but im an adult now and I cant rely on everyone else to solve my problems for me. But its frustrating- why do I have to solve a problem i didnt give to myself? Why do I have to play catch up because of my parents decisions? Im paralyzed between the unfairness, and the responsibility I have now that im alone. I have friends, a close friend even, but its not enough. They're not right for me and I am not right for them, at least right now. They have a lot of support needs that I didnt sign up for, and im barely above water myself. I cant dig myself out of the hole without the tools to, and i feel like my hands are dug into the earth and held there by the life I live. How can I ever improve if I cant even carry myself through a day? An hour? I dont know. But I know giving up isnt a real option, so on I go. I dont really care for life anymore, and I grieve the passionate and curious little boy that I used to be. And at the end of the day, I dont feel like I have the right to be upset because I made my choices. Where do I go from here? Im tired of running away, but running into it is like volunteering to have your heart and soul drained from you just for the chance at fullness. What if half full is all ill ever get? I should be content with what I have, but what i have isnt good for me.
@energeticVillage3575
I can see how much pain is in those words. I can only imagine how hard things feel right now.
I am so sorry life has been like this for you.
I hope you can find help with this and feel better. 🌤️🫂
@energeticVillage3575
I know what you mean. A lot of things like that happen to people who didn’t have the best childhood, upbringing, or family life in general. And you might feel angry at the world, at yourself, and at everything around you all at once. But probably the best approach is not to demand of yourself that you live the way others think you should. But don’t say you don’t have the right to fix things, either. It’s a difficult path—harder than for someone who started out in a better position. Yes. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have a chance at all. It’s just going to be harder. It’s harder to explain things to others, harder to make things happen. To walk this path as a whole. But the main thing is—don’t lose sight of your goal. Set a goal; don’t just live for the sake of living. That’s very demotivating. But from what you’ve said, I can tell you haven’t given up. And that’s great. Good luck!
