clovers court :00 🏐🏐

im so tired of all of this *** fr. volleyball is getting to be too much, my friends are pulling away, im not sleeping, my familys arguing all the damn time- WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!? hold my family together until they can stand on their own? hold them until i *** break? my god its too much pressure.

volleyball. the ONE thing that im actually kinda good at in life (unlike keeping friends, talking to people, LIVING) and its starting to *** suck. im tired after 15 minutes of the 2-3 hour practices, and im not improving much anymore. i feel so dang stuck with nowhere to grow. i dont have the energy to do anything. i cant serve very well anymore, i cant hit i cant set i literally cant *** pass. whats the point anymore. clearly im doing something wrong.

well, i knew this day was coming.

you know, i had wondered why this hasn't happened yet. today, i found out that cups is blocked on my school computer, and i am unable to use it at all anymore. i find this very stupid, because it categorized it as a "game" although it really is not. (it's so so stupid i know) i just wanted to let you guys know, because i care about you all, and i'll miss you guys a bunch. i will be on occasionally, although not very often. and when i am on, i will mostly be updating my forum with how *** my life is being, so i probably won't see you guys in rooms much anymore.

i'm glad that i was able to find cups, because i enjoy it here, and i really love the community. i am truly so grateful for all of the support that all of you guys have offered me, and i hope that i was able to be there for you too.

i truly wish you guys the best, and hope that at least a little part of your guys's life can get better in the slightest, because progress is progress.

love you guys <3

@axtyn @nomifordays @amiablebunny @astraeuss @aLeXaNdEr0712 @dinosaurBlitz @supergirl134679 @littlejadeflower @jennyINFP @birdking449 @ryalovesmusic @olivetree1728 @mack @communitymodkay @communitymodaaron @communitymodelliot @communitymodiris @communitymodalex

@dinosaurblitz

sorry you lost the notification 😭😭 but here you go lol

@mysteriousClover

Please join me in the Sharing Circle chat room where you will meet other members

of 7Cups.com !

yay mini vent

@axtyn and @jennyINFT because you wanted to be tagged i think

i have no idea how to even act anymore. i act one way in front of others and another in front of different people. i feel like i can never be myself and i’m always faking it and i have no idea what to do. like if i’m with friends doing something i’m normally fine until i get overwhelmed and i just kinda isolate myself, but i can only isolate myself when i’m comfortable, so only with my friends. i’m always so confused and i literally don’t know what i am really like. like my personality changes so much and i’m always stuck confused on what i need to act like in front of certain people and it’s draining.

damn. today my dad stated to my face that he felt disconnected from my life- and i almost *** up really bad by saying something snarky to him. like i isolate myself from my family on purpose and it’s really because i don’t trust them. but like i can’t tell them that.

i also saw my old teacher that i really really loved yesterday. i got so close to them and idk why but i tend to connect with teachers really fast and really well. he asked me how i was doing and i shrugged it off and said i was fine, but they feel like someone i should be talking to because i trust them. i’m really not doing well, but i would hate to break it to them because they are a huge part of my life.

ok now for the positive part lolll

i got my closet put in after weeks of demo and waiting and i’m really excited for it.

my volleyball coach also has stated many many times now that he’s very pleased with how i’ve been doing and it’s making me feel good about at least one part of my life

i forgot to tag @jefferythebunny319

you mean a lot to me avy- i’ll miss seeing you in rooms as often ❤️

icanticanticanticant

[TW] everything is falling apart under my feet and i cant stop it its continuous, unable to rest. im always on edge with no way to calm down, constant worry, fear, dread, anxiety, the list goes on and on with no end, feeling as though im drowning. my life is being overtaken by anxiety, with no stopping, over and over and over and over, the feeling never stops. anxiety attacks are becoming constant, over and over, many times per day, with no known trigger. everything stops, i feel like im unable to get air, my heart is going at an insane level, my entire body is shaking, its scary. my friends see the signs, pressure me for help, over and over, constant worry for me, and i decline. i could never bring myself to talk to anyone, never. i break down when faced with the challenge of talking. my words stop working, i stutter and stumble, unable to say whats on my mind. whats needed to say.

why am i like this? im an awful person who cant open up their eyes to the world, to opinions, when i have my own i shut down. unable to open up to what someone says. i lie all the time, i hide stuff, my parents and friends and all of you guys deserve so so so so much better than me. im a waste of time with no meaning and no purpose in life. im a meaningless piece of *** that deserves nothing.

im scared. im so damn scared. im relapsing and cant stop, im drowning in my own life, yet showing nothing. everyone on the outside sees happy emma, bouncy and energetic emma, they dont see me when im breaking down, they dont see me when i want to run away and get away. i need them to see whats wrong with me but at the same time, i cant. i cant tell them anything. they dont need to know, but at the same time i need help. i need to talk to someone without the fear of being caught and shamed for being me. they dont need to know im cutting myself and they dont need to know im not eating as i should. im hiding food, i cant force myself to eat it, i lie about eating it, just so they dont know. i need to look better be better act better, i need to be a whole different person at the same time as i have to be myself. i need to be happy bouncy emma, i cant be the mentally unstable emma. i just cant. i cant. i cant. i cant.

the anxiety wont stop its just always tehre, im always on edge, always shaking. i woke up this morning breathing hard and shaking and that feeling stayed all day. no break, it was just tehre. my friends know, the see that part of me even when i try my very very very best to hide it. i try so dang hard to act ok. i need to be ok for them. i need to be ok for my family, my sister and my friends. i cant get a break and i need it so so so bad and i just c a n t get one. its too damn hard.