⛰ clovers isolation cabin on a cliff side ⛰

[tw sh]

totally forgot this place existed ngl

im not ok i cant keep doing this *** much longer without help

i need help i really do i just cant let anyone see me like this, i cant let them worry. sometimes i wish they would see the signs but oh well, if they want to ignore it then they can take the fall out.

i keep looking back on stuff like this and i just keep thinking damn i wish i was as ok as i was then because to past me, i wasn't ok in the slightest to me then but now im here and i wish i could go back to how ok i was then. its all downhill from here, theres no saving anything. im struggling and thats a fact and it wont get better it cant get better ive tried and tried. ive tried so *** hard to make myself better and i cant. made me realize one thing, i deserve it all. i deserve the pain, the hurt, the ridicule the anxiety attacks in the bathroom i deserve all of it. im the worst friend and i give nothing back to anyone

you know whats strange? time.

everyone always says that time heals but ever since 5th grade 5th *** grade i was cutting myself because i was so damn numb and nothing felt real and i need something to make me believe i was ok it all felt so fake to me then but now looking back on it, i wish i was back in 5th grade. 5th grade although i was struggling then, ive gotten stronger in a sense, ive had so much *** happen that everything that was breaking me in 5th grade seems like a walk in the park. now its still a walk in the park except the trees are burning, its raining acid and the park has flooded. same difference right? i was surviving then and im surviving now.

6th grade was easy, i was clean, the toxic people were out of my life, i was ok for once. i had friends in my classes, i wasnt alone, i wasnt sleeping in all my classes, only to come home and drown in schoolwork and still STILL continue to not do it. my teachers extend due dates for me, give me help, for *** sake just let me fail and show my parents im not *** ok. but oh well, the school wants to hide my mental health and say that im doing great in school. 6th grade was actually so damn nice like a break a long break where i was actually ok. but then, oh boy 7th grade hit like a basket of bricks dumped on my head from a skyscraper. fun right?

somethings *** wrong (':

idk what it is but it aint right

[tw - sh, idk what to call it crisis?? (NOT currently in crisis forum gods)]

im dead

im actually dead

i said too much to my friend i trusted too damn much i said one thing about su*c*de and she freaked out she threatened to call the helpline she was going to call she was gonna *** rat me out tell everyone about me she threatened to ruin our friendship if it meant i got help she was gonna call the *** helpline and i cant *** get over it she said she was crying her eyes out with the thought of losing me ik it was all fake all a lie i dont need help i dont want help im fine on my own im great i have to make it until camp i promised her but damn idk

i see her tomorrow idk what to do i still dont know what to think of any of this what if she tells someone what if she tells the school counselor and they tell my parents and then my parents *** know about me they know about everything they know about the cvtting they know about the panic attacks and me not sleeping, not eating they know about *** everything and i cant do it they cant know

im fine.

somethings wrong with me

im not myself, im some stranger in my own body

im not the happy laughing talkative joyous emma

im just existing

just existing in this *** up world with nothing to show for it

nothing so show for the hurt, the pain, the hatrid

nothing.

i feel like im on autopilot just existing while my body does all the work

volleyball is the only time im truly living, truly happy, even if just for a short time

i wish i was always at volleyball, always somewhere where i actually fit in, and am actually accepted.

somewhere where i can stand out and do good

im not sure whats wrong with me

i cant remember easy conversations

i just talk and talk to people with no remembering what i talked about

my mind is swirling yet at the same time, blank and empty

i miss myself

i want myself back

i want emma.

nobody can know. i can get through this with time, and hey, maybe camp helps too. who knows anymore. 50 days through, it truly isn't that much farther away. yeah, awful is a word that could describe it but i don't even know how it feels anymore. everything feels so fake and i'm not sure how to feel about it. heh i'm just existing and its amusing at this point. flat out funny. reality is reality, it can't really be "good" or "bad" its just life. life's a *** and you die right? well, i've been through the *** part so we all know what's next. don't even get me started on the teachers. oh boy. one teacher calls me sad every class, tells me i'm too quiet, tells me to take out the airpods. in reality though, music is the only thing keeping me sane right now. music music music, it's great. an escape almost. i need it, but i get in trouble whenever i have them in. oh well. another teacher said i looked wrecked multiple days in a row, then proceeded to send me to the guidance counselor. i lied. of course, they can't know either. everyone is a "mandated reporter" so uh clov has to stay quiet. i almost let something slip to my older camp friends, and they almost told someone. they almost let it all out. if someone knows, i'm actually screwed. time has to heal this i have to do it on my own. parents don't see what's happening to me, they only see the phone. the phone the phone the phone, all they blame is the god damn phone. hey mom and dad, maybe the phone helps. maybe give that a thought. maybe music is the only thing keeping your kid sane right now. but haha, nope. just, be more like your sister. oh yes, the sister that sucks up whenever i get in trouble. i'm sitting at the table getting yelled at when little miss perfect struts over with a fake grin on her face and asks if they need any help. then proceeds to clear the table, take the dog out and take out the trash. then my parents look over at her and smile. smile and let her go do what she wants while her *** older sister gets yelled at. go figure. i'm so so so over all of this and i want them to know. i want them to know how drained i am how tired i am of them and school and all the awful kids at school. i want to be better so so bad but i don't want anyone to truly know. right? they need to know yet not know at the same time. makes sense to me but i don't know about anyone else. nobody understands half the crap that comes out of my mouth so it makes no difference. i need people to stop caring about what happens to me. i need to be left on my own, i don't need anyone. i need camp, i need clara and rosie. i need rj and gracie. i need all of them so so so damn bad. lets say right now i'm at camp. i picture it all right now. walking down the paved hill, the large building on my left, the big field on my right. i walk down the hill, seeing the crowd of people in the field. leaders for the cabins, standing and waiting for the campers. i see her, her smile and her curly hair, clara. i run over and give her this one damn hug i've been needing for months now. i'm going to breakdown when i see her, i know it. she means so damn much to me and i don't know why but she means the absolute world to me. literally everything. i would do anything to be back at camp with clara and rosie and rj. anything in the whole damn world to see them again. soon. 50 days until i get my hug. 50 days until i'm free. (not me almost about to breakdown just thinking about camp) i don't know why this is so damn funny to me. i don't know if its just how exhausted i am or what, but all of this is amusing. so so so amusing. maybe it's just the fact that its all ridiculous that i can't get help, i can't ask for help, i'm just stuck. so damn stuck. oh great now i'm shaking again. oh boy the shaking. i'm always shaking, i never get a *** break. if i do, its only during volleyball, so i get a 2 hour break every tuesday, wednesday, saturday and sunday. not much.

i'm just so damn exhausted. so damn tired.

this can't be happening. the one person the one *** person i had even a shot at being friends with, the one i trust with my life and i tell her everything, im pushing her away. my mind is so damn screwed that its pushing her away subconsciously. this can't happen again she's already dropped me 3 times yet we end up back together just like nothing happened. the night i thought i lost her for good, i didn't sleep and panicked all night and just hit out in the bathroom all day at school. and now we're better than ever and i can't handle her leaving again. i can't do it. i need her.

camp is coming closer, but the excitement is wearing off. 48 days, yet i don't feel like going. i want to have a normal summer with my friends, its my last summer before freshman volleyball tryouts, and i want to enjoy it like a normal kid. i want to be normal for once and fit in and go to birthday parties and sleepovers, walks to the local coffee shop, the pool, i want to fit it. i want to be liked and wanted so damn bad.

im not sleeping well anymore. im sleeping through alarms and waking up 10 minutes before school. im not going to bed until 3am or later, sometimes just crying myself to sleep. its not healthy and i need it fixed. if i dont sleep i cant play volleyball and i need volleyball. volleyball is keeping me half sane and if i cant play idk what im gonna do. i didn't have volleyball all this week and i feel like something is missing. im doing worse this week than last week, and i think its because i didnt have volleyball.

im so damn tired. so so *** tired.

@olivetree1728 @nomifordays

i haven't been in rooms as much as normal, and i probably will stop being in rooms as much too. i'n not sure what's happening, i'm way way way more ticked off than normal, and i'm really really *** when i'm like that and i really don't want to snap on either of you, as you both mean so so dam much to me. everything seems to be spiraling more and more out of control, and i haven't been suitable for cups much anymore either. i'll post more here on my forum, but i'm really not sure about rooms much.

i hope to see you both real soon

somebody take this god damn plate away