⛰ clovers isolation cabin on a cliff side ⛰

dear jane,

as for clara, i wish somehow you could read this. you promised you would be there for me, but i haven't heard from you since we left. at first, i was skeptical meeting you. bess was leaving for trail, i had nobody once again and you came up to me and i remember it like it was yesterday said "i know i'm not bess, but if you ever need someone or something i can do my best and pretend" then you walked away. the next night, i came and sat with you. we sat in silence as i worked on my bracelet, but for the first time, the silence was as comforting as any words anyone could say. the next 8 nights saved me. you saved me. the beach saved me with its calm, blue and grey waves slowly brushing up against the shore and the sky saved me with its vivid colors that always seemed to come back no matter how i was feeling. you journaled a lot. i should start journaling. you took what had happened in the day and managed to sort through it and compile it into tiny neat little paragraphs. you wrote to bess too, often bringing our nights together on the beach up to her. i want to be like you jane, you are the person i want to be at that point in my life. creative, kind, empathetic, funny, you're just the kind of person that radiates off joy even during silence. your relationship with your sister is what i look up to the most. you left for a 2 day camping trip with her, left me a note which i still read to this day, but just the utter fact that you and your sister could have such a positive relationship is almost inspiring to me. i will forever hold our time on the beach together. you led an er one night, you would remember exactly which one im talking about. me and rj huddled together crying while you were sitting at the peak of the beach having just finished a phenomenal speech with a lasting impact. your eventual message to the camp was to find something negative or something poking and prodding at you, take it and have a rock symbolize that feeling. then walk to the shore of the beach and throw that rock as hard as you can into the water. let that damn rock go. my rock? to stop letting people manipulate me into a version of me that i am not. im trying my hardest to keep that rock buried underneath now layers upon layers of sand and rock. its hard sometimes pushing people out that aren't good for you whilst trying to stay afloat yourself. its very lonely here. the beach was lonely too, but i had you to confide in, to talk to, i've never felt so vulnerable with someone before. clara and bess both have had huge impacts on me and my safety and how i speak to people, but those 8 nights did something to me that i am unsure i am able to explain in words. on the nights where we couldn't go to the beach with the rest of the camp, you always made sure we still got our visit. the beach was closed and you convinced the ddlc to let us go. that night was the hardest for me. i cried and cried about having come home. i was right to be scared to come back here. im struggling here. i wish i could have those last 2 weeks of camp back. 8 days on the beach with you, days with both you and bess, and the one day i had with clara. the 3 of you have legitimately saved my life. and are continuing to save my life now. the last evening reflection killed all of us. me and rj were close as could be, taking in our final sunset of the summer, crying and crying over the 6 weeks we had together, and you and bess were there for both of us. it was sad seeing you cry that night. i wish i would've given you a bigger hug when we left. i really need a hug now. i got so many hugs at camp, so so many hugs that seemingly held me together. i'm falling apart real bad now, i would honestly give anything to have a night on the beach and a hug. i need it all back really bad. i hope you're coming back next summer, but i really doubt it. i know college is so so busy, but i would explode with joy to have only a night with you. one small little night on the beach. im going back and so is rj, but it won't be the same without you. i wear the penny necklace every single day and think of you when i wear it. i'm scared to not see you when i go back. when i think of camp this summer i think of trail, my friends then the impact that you, bess and clara made on my life. jane, as much as i hate to admit it, you haven't stayed there for me. i haven't heard from you in ages, just a little "jane loved a message" reaction to a thanksgiving text. you've missed so much that i would die to tell you. my first place finish in a speech meet, how *** my friends have been, volleyball and performance training, how i'm doing, school, my family, i could talk for hours. i don't have anyone to talk to much anymore. nobody that makes me feel as safe and as loved and heard as you did for me this summer. i will forever hold this summer as close to me as i can, i truly miss you an incredible amount. i need to see you again, but i fear that this summer was both the first and last.

so very much love,

emma

i wish i could go back to june 25th and loop it over and over and never leave

im back to where i was last year. 185 days. crazy how time flies

i *** miss myself man im not mysef anymore im so *** distant im going through all the motions and i dont *** know whats wromg with me

im falling deep deep back where i kicked and clawed so hard to get out of

the *** teachers are noticing again. little comments in the hallways trying to get me to smile at them, my band teacher pulled me aside and went 'emma are you okay? im really worried about you" and like i know i know it isnt much they are just trying to care but ive worked so *** hard to have good days and to talk at school again and only fall apart at nighttime when im alone and im *** losing all the progress ive made and it *** sucks