hi. I don’t know how to start this but I guess I’ll try

today’s been weird and honestly kind of horrible. it’s my last day of easter break and instead of staying home like I wanted, I went out with my sister even though I didn’t want to. I just felt bad saying no. I do that a lot. she went her psychologist and I had to wait an hour. it was fine, I read a book (“this woven kingdom” – 3/5 stars so far) but the rest of the day has felt really off. the thing is, I feel like my sister didn’t actually want me around. we walked around the mall and she was always on her phone, talking to her long distance fiancé or boyfriend or whatever (he lives in America and we in Slovakia). I felt invisible. then we went to a secondhand store and she said something about the clothes being “so big they’re made for titans” and laughed. I wanted to cry right there. she’s always saying not to judge bodies, but then says things like that. it felt like a punch to the stomach. now I just feel gross. ugly. fat. annoying. like a bad sister for even feeling this way because she’s been through a lot (eating disorders) and I know she loves me in her way, but I don’t know. it feels one-sided sometimes. she bought me stuff today too, so now I just feel even worse for being upset. I’m 18 and I still feel like a mess. I compare myself to her constantly and I’m tired of feeling this way.