overwhelmed

in advance, i’d like to establish a trigger warning to sensitive topics, so please read at your own discretion.

for some background, i was diagnosed with MDD, GAD, and psychosis when i was younger. it’s been over 5 years since i’ve seen a therapist, mostly because my parents told me i didn’t need it anymore. but things haven’t been great lately, so i thought i’d try this app.

i haven’t felt “happy” for a long time. even when i smile or laugh or whatever, it’s always temporary and never fulfilling. i tend to get stuck in my head and feel like i’m not allowed to feel okay with my life which makes me spiral. the amount of times i have thought about hurting myself or ending things has been concerning to me. i simulate taking a lot of pills to see how much i can take without actually overdosing. i get strong urges to harm myself, but i’m surprised i haven’t acted on them. i cry almost every week, multiple times a week, for the past month or so. i feel like i can’t talk to anyone irl about my feelings or thoughts because they get invalidated or it’s always the “oh, just take it a day at a time” lecture that i’ve heard so many times. it just feels like i’m not understood and people tell me that i’m not supposed to feel certain ways about situations, but aren’t feelings part of being human?

i’m a college student and within a month of this school year, i’ve felt completely burnt out. i feel like school is just a daily simulation and it‘s the same day on repeat. i lack motivation to do my work and even though i still get it done, i just don’t care about being an “A” student anymore. like i’m just getting by and everyone tells me i can do better, but i don’t feel like i need to do better, if that makes sense. i just feel like a lot of people expect so much from me, to the point where i can’t tell the difference between their expectations and my own.

i’ve been doing a lot of reflection on this year and my friendships and relationships that have come and gone. i fell out with my closest friends in march and i still blame myself for things ending. last month, i got into an argument with someone i thought i was close with, but they ended up calling me names and saying negative things to me that they knew i was sensitive about. then this person who mutually wanted a relationship with me, ended things because they said they weren’t emotionally available. and i’ve been blaming myself and trying to get over them but it’s hard. they said that we could stay friends, but every time i would try to have a conversation, it just felt like they were shutting me out. i haven’t contacted them for about 3 weeks, but i still have the urge to reach out. i want to be friends and just be able to talk, but it just feels like they don’t want to which hurts.

my family life has been okay lately. but every now and then i think about things or a family member says something that i’m sensitive about and i just get so fixated on it that i tear myself apart. yesterday, my older brother told me his graduation would be the same day as my birthday and i immediately got flashbacks to every instance in my life where our parents chose him over me. since he’s older and the firstborn, our parents focused on him and gave him everything he wanted. but for me, they always compared me to him and i just wish i didn’t have to fight for their love and attention. with any of my siblings (younger or older), it just feels like i get the short end of the stick.

to those that have read this entire thing, i appreciate it. i just needed to get some of my recent thoughts out. replies on anything would be appreciated.