..struggling

should be working on this essay due tonight, but lately I've been realizing that all i really have the capacity to do is do whatever i want rather than the things that i should or need to be doing.

i don't even know where to start. but like the title says I'm struggling.. and guys its really starting to consume me.

i feel extremely alone.

my daily routine is the same everyday and in it all i feel like a walking zombie. a robot on autopilot, just doing everything that's required of me to survive, doing things that I have to do because they're my responsibility.

I feel lifeless.

i wish that even if i have to show up in these roles everyday that i could at least be invisible and lowkey not exist while i do them.. like my body still doing these things but my soul somewhere much more warm, happy and peaceful. somewhere on vacation.

i look around and i begin to think that maybe its not just me and its the same for everyone, everyone so caught up in their own lives, their own daily routine.. i guess i just wish even if that is true that we could at least still acknowledge others rather than being glued to our phones 24/7. could at least still smile at one another or at least say hello when passing by. i guess some days i could really use it.

and its sad because i get happy when someone does those things. it makes me feel like im not a zombie for once. that im actually a living, breathing person, and that life isn't just on airplane mode.

but then apart of me also realizes that not everyone's experience is like this. i see people connecting, laughing, so then i look at myself and think maybe its just me. maybe im the reason for my loneliness, maybe im supposed to be alone. maybe im doing something wrong. maybe i want it to much. but i don't even know why because i see myself as one of the most genuine people I've ever encountered. not in a cocky way, but i really do try my best to be good especially after years of being so bad.

i try my best to smile at others, but people often avoid eye contact or use their phones to avoid it. in the beginning of the semester id try to hold little conversations with my classmates and ask how their weekends were, the kinds of things they were interested in, music, craft.. but when i got silent i began to realize that i was the only one pushing for these conversations, for these connections. maybe everyone already had their own people and didn't need anyone new. so i close myself off again,..

but when i do.. im perceived as "mean, unapproachable, an outcast".. and the people around me don't try to hide their discomfort either. even my teachers.

maybe an alien is a better word to describe my experience. a zombie in life, an alien at school and sometimes at home.

i go days without talking to anyone and the conversations i do have are always "transactional," i like to say. either with my boss or teammates, or my classmates about assignments. i dont think i need to explain how those conversations go.

im starting to wonder why i even continue to put up with this feeling. i keep reminding myself of how much i want to accomplish, how much of the world i want to see and experience.. but its beginning to seem like it wont even matter because everywhere i go.. im reminded that im an alien. and i have no one to even enjoy life with. and i dont really mean romantically.

and i guess it doesn't help that im what society calls "attractive" at least in my area. and often times when people see me they are so uncomfortable, like they really don't know how to act around me. as if what i look like has anything to do with who i am. sometimes i feel like its a barrier.i dont say this in a way to brag.. just being honest and trying my best way to explain what it feels like.

people stare at me ALL the time. i get looks and comments on my appearance, but it doesn't really mean anything to me. because when it comes to real conversations, real connections.. nothing.

ontop of the way i look, i also attend a school where the majority of people do not look like me.. so that just adds another factor.

things at home are a mess. i just try my best to ignore it and keep quiet. but i still feel it.

everyday, i feel more and more isolated. alone. and it seems like it will never end. im beginning not to want to live anymore. i want to live.. but i really, really dont want to feel like this anymore.

there's no love for me here. except the love i try to give myself everyday, but somedays when i feel like this, that just isn't enough.