Are we happy for real?

Today again, i got asked another question.

Are you happy now?

I just wanted to stop the physiotherapy sessions because it was too much for me.

I was asked this question because he believed my chronic pain was also related to my mental pain. He said, the happier you are, the faster your recovery.

And today when i asked him when i can stop, he asked me this.

Are you happy now?

I wanted to tell him about how everyday was a struggle, from getting up to sleeping, every single thing pains. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to just say the truth. I wanted to say NO.

I told yes. I told him that i was happy. I just wanted to stop the stress from going to physiotherapy because it was just too much for me. Obviously he didn't believe me but i managed to convince him somehow.

I feel sick and tired of lying to everyone that I'm fine. I'm not. I dont even want to continue but i dont have the guts to stop. All the words that leave my tongue feels like it comes from someone else. I dont know. I never knew my life would end up like this.

I wish i was happy