Hate as a driving force to get better

(first off, i dont know how to start this. And english is not my first language - so while im good at it “technically” having studied it for years in school, expressing in it can still be a struggle especially when dealing with an emotional topic)

Hate is a dirty word. It’s heavy and there is often another feeling that follows or accompanies it: vengeance. At least it is that way for me. Especially in healing spaces, we tend to avoid that word, and say it is no good, it is better to “channel” that energy in more productive ways. Simply ignoring that person and getting on with your day/ life. And in my usual positive demeanor I would have told you the same.

i have done a lot of healing. Two years. Or even more than that. And i believe i HAVE gotten better. I no longer deal with negative emotions on a daily basis. In fact i am more likely to be more positive - in a truly healthy way. I am able to take a step back, and reassess my emotions, while still feeling them and not being dismissive, but also think more or less rationally - as in not get stuck in a loop of destructive thoughts and behavior. I had learned a lot of coping strategies that I keep in my personal development toolbox.

that said, there are still those times i feel a sharp hurt when i remember certain things that happened or realities that are happening to me or my loved ones. I usually am able to turn it around right away, but THIS time, i almost want to indulge in it. There are some people I hate. There are some feelings that are so strong they cut deep into my heart, and i feel more enraged, i feel motivated or pushed to take action (i hope this makes sense - english is not my first language and i’m trying to capture that really strong feeling of hate that drives you almost to doing something you might regret).

i am still mostly harmless and i wont do anything stupid BUT this is also how i feel. I dont want to censor it. I know this is a positive space and i have every intention to uphold that, but sometimes I just want to get this out of my chest.

this is really heavy, and maybe even dark. I feel like i could hurt someone if i gave in to all my feelings. If i lost control of all my mind. But sometimes i imagine it and it gives me a sense of satisfaction. Relief. Like finally, i can be avenged. I am justified.

I am simply indulging in these feelings but have no intention of acting upon them. Going back to my “training” i can turn negative feelings into positive action. Thus, the title. While I never advocate for using “hate” as a driving force in your life, maybe it can have a positive effect if i try. I can work on my goals harder. I can push myself to be better. Even if the “reward” is a bit sinister like thinking to myself “that i did better than this person” or i finally proved them wrong. Maybe that can be done. And i do not need to feel guilty about it.

-end- thanks for listening