Helpful. TRIGGER WARNING (Obesity and depression)
I wonder what being helpful looks like. What IS being helpful and supportive? Reciprocating a person's feelings and being empathetic?
I find that to be comforting a person but it does not help them in the long run, it never aids a person in their development. Many people are incredibly sensitive to being told that they have a problem but... They talk about their problems on here all the time. It would just be pointing out the obvious, no need to get upset.
Treating adults like children is not helpful and how is say that if you're overweight it's unhealthy is an insult? Obesity kills and it increases your chances of heart disease.
How is saying things like 'yes, I understand your problems, don't think about those people *hugs*, I'm sorry you had to go through that'... More helpful than... 'You should hit the gym. Push out the stress, fight the depression. Watch what you eat and lay off the sugar. Stay hydrated.'? Health is important, good health makes you feel better.
I know it isn't nice to bully, nobody should be mean to you about your problems, that's just silly. But babying grown people will only fuel their victim mentality, it makes their feelings more important than what they need to do to feel better. People on here complain about the same problems and nobody says 'maybe it's you' 🤣. It's always someone else that's the problem, people have a hard time looking inward and becoming more aware of themselves.
I have run into rude people who are selectively sensitive. You can curse me out and say I should leave because I said obesity is unhealthy... But nobody will look at your attitude and say your behavior is wrong.
I have found angry and aggressive people in pretty bad situations. And it would be out of pocket for me to say 'maybe if you fixed your attitude you would be more positive and less of a baby' for some reason but it is true. I wouldn't say exactly that because... People are babies but it's true.
Laziness and a poor eating habit can contribute to depression but nobody wants to hear that. Just 'im sorry you're going through this, we're here for you'. All of that is fine and dandy but momentary comfort has never helped anyone fix any problem. There must be action, not just comfort. It is NOT compassionate to put a person's feelings first, it will always keep them feeling the way they do, sad, tired, stressed, anxious. Giving them possible solutions is compassionate because it gives them options to defeat their suffering.
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CONTINUATION (It was too long to be sent all at once)
I will always care about helping people find escapes from their suffering more than making them feel good temporarily by telling them 'I understand and everyone else is bad.' Some people also really don't listen, if someone tells you the same kind of stuff 'you're fat, you're stupid' maybe you should eat and speak less, think more before you speak and act.
Sometimes people are right. To call you those things are insensitive but you have to listen to what people are saying, there is no need to take it personally. Even if someone's intent is to hurt you, they are hurt within themselves, they also hold onto pain and it comes out through their abuse. They too need compassion through the truth of the way they are, sponges that leak what they have absorbed.
Also, there is no need to be mean because I told you like it is, people can't be mean and rude to you but you can be rude and mean to others? You know how it goes, negative thoughts create bad feelings and bad feeling create bad actions and bad actions create bad feelings, this is a cycle.
Have some accountability, just because you feel bad does not mean you can be bad. Practice self control and have some discipline, without those things you will in fact remain emotionally unstable.
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To be more accurate it goes thought, action feelings, thought, action, feelings.
@BodhisattvaKuato jo apni problems ko bahana banakar chupna chahte hai unhe ye sab bolne se kuch nhi hoga, bs humara hi समय waste hoga.... Jab tak khud nhi chahenge koi kisi ki madad nhi kr skta aur sabko bs yhi sunna psnd aata hai ki vo sahi hai, ab kiski kya problem hai kya sahi ye kehna mushkil hai. mujhe toh khud hi lgta hai ki prblm aane pr bhagne ki jagah usko solve krna chahiye ya sbki sympathy lene mein hi time waste krde.. prblm share bhi kro toh aise dosto se jo hume smjhe aur baad mein bta ske ki hum kaha galat hai, kyuki jabtak hum khud ki mistakes nhi sudharenge tabtak koi improvement nhi hoga...
@BodhisattvaKuato haa jo sach mein isliye pareshan h ki koi aur unhe pareshan kr rha hai unko hum smjh skte hai lekin jo khud hi khud se preshan hai unhe khud ko smjhaane ki jarurat hai. But kisi ko bta kr koi fayda nhi isse acha toh apni energy save krkr khud ka hi kaam krle, kyuki yaha bolne se usko oppose krne vale bhi bhot hoge toh kitno ko smjhaye
I disagree with this. Toxic positivity. People don’t want to be told what to do by someone who is neither their therapist or their doctor. People want to be comforted and listened to.To feel understood. You will never change someone else by trying to control them or telling them all the things they’re doing wrong because until you’re in their shoes you simply have no idea. I’ve been on both sides of the equation and it just doesn’t work.
You missed the whole point, I'm saying people should take some accountability. You disagree with that?
I'm not trying to control anyone, people just have more power than they believe. You don't have to do anything anyone tells you, do what helps you. My point is that it's important to at least look at yourself. I said some people believe everyone else is the problem, you believe this too?
You also disagree that being treated like a child as an adult will stunt a person's development?
“But you have to listen to what people are saying, there’s no need to take it personally…”
No. They don’t have to listen to anything you are saying because first and foremost they have AUTONOMY of being. Even if you are right about obesity and everything else it does NOT somehow manifest an OBLIGATION in the other person to listen to you. You assume that being right is the most important thing. That offering solutions is the most important way to help people as long as it’s the “right” solution. But if you decide that for them, then you have actually diminished their own right to make choices for themselves. It’s patronising and assumes they don’t know their own best interests. And that’s why they will take offence at your “solutions” - not because your are wrong but because you position yourself as someone preaching from a “know-it-all” holier than thou perspective with an attitude of “I’m only telling you for your own good” sanctimonious paternalism.
You [almost] had it right. People do come here with problems, and yes they do constantly talk about said problems. And also yes, if at some point they want a solution to that problem it will involve more than complaining about their problem. Yes it will take action, and discipline, and focus, and initiative and accountability. But they have to do that for themselves and no one can do it for them. Imposing our solutions on them, even if they are the “right” solutions therefore is not helpful because it diminishes their own capacity to think and act for themselves. It is belittling to them in the sense that it creates a narrative in which all the “solutions” to their problem are simple, present and available, only they are not making enough effort to achieve it! It comes across as invalidating their every day struggles, from a stranger who does not have actual experience of their hardships. We can not just administer our “help” in an authoritarian fashion, or else people will rightfully resent us for it.
There’s a saying that I like: “People don’t CARE how much you KNOW, until they KNOW how much you CARE!” .. In other words, people will be more persuaded by you if they first have an emotional connection with you. Being right is wonderful and all, but it’s not always -persuasive-. It’s not to say that you should just offer meaningless platitudes either. The point is to care, genuinely and sincerely. But caring should precede knowledge/being right, not the reverse. And even then in all of that, we shouldn’t assume some kind of “responsibility” to “fix” people. And we definitely shouldn’t impose an obligation on them to fix themselves or presuppose that they “have to listen to us” in any way, even if we happen to be right.
I hope you will consider this angle. ^^
CatsInTheCradle
I accidentally referred to listening in two different ways using the same words, listening as in literally and taking into account what people say. It's true, nobody has to but if you really don't listen to anyone and still have trouble finding a solution to your problem, who's fault is it? Some people really have a self centered attitude and they believe everything revolves around them, and the entire world is against them and this is wrong.
Theirs of course and yes, it's their problem to solve. And all problems have solutions as you know and everyone should know that the core of suffering is ignorance. This is a psychological fact, nobody has to agree or disagree, there is only salvation through knowledge. People need to be educated on their very own psychology. I do not have to know a person's entire life story to see their problems as clear as day.
People go to therapists for help, do all therapists experience the same things they do? It is not about relation, it is about knowledge. Suffering has an origin and the evil within a person drives them to do the wrong things, desire causes people to suffer. Attachment causes suffering. (Me personally I view ignorance as an evil thing.)
It takes an aware adult to see that their fate is in their hands, this is what I say. No matter what I tell people it is on them to understand that they can make a difference in their lives no matter how hard it seems. If the way you view something is unpleasant, pick a different view.
I do not intend to persuade people, if I adhere to them emotionally to persuade them it would simply be manipulative of me. I can very easily do that but I know the results of that, with the emotions being the primary connection, our connection will depend on emotions which are temporary. It is not a stable connection.
I do genuinely care, or else I would not have posted this... Or anything else. I definitely wouldn't care enough to tell anyone anything, telling someone the cold hard truth is out of care. I hold back a little because I do consider people's feelings.
I know there is a Buddhist quote ,'being kind is better than being right'. There are lots of emotionally unstable people here, be kind or right, it would not matter. I will take into account people's emotions even further, perhaps for your sake but I truly do think that being soft on people all the time will make them soft, which is completely logical. Soft people break easily.
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There are many ways to be helpful 💕
Being empathetic is certainly one of them. Listeners with lived experience can be empathic and understand how that person is feeling.
Obesity is very unique journey for every person I DO have lived experience, have a dietitian degree & run a volunteer weight loss group since I retired.
The weight loss journey is NEVER a straight line. It has so many factors such as health conditions a major one to be considered whether it be diabetes or effects of a medicine, stages of change, readiness to lose, disordered eating, depression etc …
Losing weight the first is that your mind is in that mode of ready to lose weight… heck before that there is another step … stop 🛑 taking weight.
What YOU need and what I need are different. I can empathize talk about what my journey was like but would NEVER assume it for another bc path is not everyone. Some may choose to drink water & reduce night time eating whereas another person may choose keto program & join a gym.
In fact being told a multitude of things just bay indeed overwhelm the person who is just starting a health journey.
i understand how you feel everyone states their problems yes they do it’s helpful for so many here. Ever visit the sharing circle here ? 7 minutes to vent in an appropriately as a way of self care.
in the process of becoming aware many are not at the stage of change ready to dive in. It may take a few attempts to mentally be ready to take action.
So sorry you have run into rude people. It may take time to find someone that is a match.
Interesting comment re attitude … well you can have two people with a problem and each reacts differently. One stays very negatively focused whereas the other decides to make strides to overcome and be positive.
Depression I have lived experience with that as well. It is very tough and can issues regarding weight gain from lifestyle choices and or meds.
The path is always the persons choice when ready to take whatever steps that may help ….habits take a while to form. It is best to start small and add moreover time. What habits? Only you can decide what is best for you.
i hear your frustration. But please keep the faith… and lastly feel free to reach out anytime …
Cheri ☀️☀️☀️
@BodhisattvaKuato hello ❤ yes always be straight but in a nice way. We all need to show empathy and kindness as Well as the harsh truth. ❤ and did you just call me fat????😲😲😲😂😂😂😂
