Needing a new perspective - LONG post
I am new here - just joined today. I am just talking this out - I am open to suggestions. Sometimes its just nice for someone to "hear" me. Usually I can manage on my own but this morning I decided to reach out. If this is in the wrong forum, please move - I am still learning.
I have had some challenging experiences to deal with over the past several years. I have learned a lot about myself through these experiences. I feel like I am just getting back onto stable ground (for the past year or so). I feel like that the experiences I went through taught me to take better care of myself emotionally - which lead me to let go of some relationships that were toxic for me. They were actually big relationships - my now exhusband and my parents. Others as well - but those 3 were my primary supports. I didnt make the decision lightly to become emotionally healthy - to remove those relationships from my life. When I really got into it, I realized that, especially with my parents, it was something I had been trying to do for several years.
Anyway - I am now trying to rebuild my emotional support system. There were other things that I was focusing on (starting a new career, finding housing and refurnishing it, taking care of my fur baby, moving, etc.) that have happened over the past several years and now I am in a place - within the past year - where I feel like I can focus on rebuilding my support system. I have tried doing this in a myriad of ways. I do work night shift, which has proven to be difficult in building a support network. I know in the past a lot of my friendships were created through my job. That isnt the case anymore. We work well as coworkers - but the enviornment isnt conducive to building friendships outside of work. I have been there 2 years. When I realized that I needed to look elsewhere besides my job for support, I tried volunteer work. I live in a smaller town and tried several different avenues - but a lot of daytime volunteering gets scooped up by students since this is a college town. I even tried driving 40 minutes away to volunteer - it was fine, but since I do work night shift it was hard for me to fit my schedule with theirs. I am currently trying to find online volunteer opportunities - but ideally, I would like to work with others face to face. I tried therapy - and that came to a dead end. I dont have a lot of money to spend on a therapist - but i tried it anyway - and didnt really feel like I gained anything from it. I have tried and continue to exercise - that helps - but hasnt really been a social event. I do walk my dog - but there are no dog parks around here - so that is out. I tried looking up meetup.com - i really enjoy reading so i thought that would be an option - but again the group is about 40 minutes away - and it doesnt coincide with my work schedule - it starts at 6pm - i travel there, then have to be at work on 3rd shift. i am staying on 3rd shift for now because i am going to continue my education - hopefully my classes will start again in may - which will provide a social outlet - but that is several months away. i thought about maybe another job - seasonally even - to meet others - but when i am off work after doing 40 hours, I am pretty much wiped out and need that time to decompress. i am not ruling it out though.
i have lived in this area for almost 2 years - i moved back to the area because its where i was raised. i do have friends who mostly live 40 plus minutes away - and i did for a long time go in that direction to see them - but the road goes both ways - i cant constantly go up to see them. they have families - children - a life - so i understand that they cant always - but it is a two way street.
i am not as codependant as i once was - i feel like i am alot healthier emotionally than i have ever been in my life - i am happier - i have a lot of blessings - i just feel like there are times when i would love to have someone to go and just sit and have coffee with - and that isnt available. i am an introvert by nature and do like spending a lot of time on my own. i do know that this is temporary - meaning i know i wont always be working night shift - i know i wont always be living in this town - ideally i want to move back closer to where my friends are - there are a lot more volunteer options available - meetups, places to wander around when i feel like being an introvert - but i am waiting for school and just dont want to go another long time without having anyone to chat with. church isnt an option - thats just not for me.
in a way i feel like i am being penalized for keeping toxic people out of my life. its made me realize why people stay in toxic relationships for so long - its made me realize why i did - because sometimes being out on your own - on a regular basis - is scary and challenging - and you really have to like your own company - and maybe i am seeing it from the wrong angle - but i always first go to that thought - especially when its been a long stretch of not seeing/hearing from friends or others - that i am being penalized for not allowing myself to get wrapped up in toxic relationships. i know what my role was in those relationships/friendships as well - and i feel like i have worked on those things - but starting off from a "clean slate" when i have never known what healthy friendships look like - its difficult. its difficult to find friends anyway - but i am getting side tracked.
i am always open to suggestions. i dont mind if they are blunt suggestions - i like things straight to the point. again, its nice to enjoy my own company, to not be afraid of my own shadow anymore - but i am human and i do enjoy knowing that there are people out there that will love me and accept me for me - and vise versa - i wish i knew what other avenues to take. thanks for your time. xoxo
Hi - I just read your post and was wondering whether there was any hobbies that you could make time for in connecting with others. I know it must be hard in a small town and I'm from AUS so I don't know how you go about finding out about groups in your town, but maybe there is a walking group or an activity that maybe doesn't seemlike something you'd be interested inatm but on closer inspection might be something that challenges you and gets you meeting others in your town. Art classes? Bird watching? Dancing? Learning a language? Knitting? Anything? I live in small town too and it feel very isolating sometimes but as time goes on I find out about different groups - dancing mainly and am meeting lots of nice people and having fun too. All the best - hope you can make so great new connections that are more in line with having healthy respectful relationships.
Thank you for your response - yep - I have tried doing those things - we have groups called meetups - which I have gotten involved in - and we have bookstores that have book clubs (i enjoy reading) - all of them are about 40-50 minutes away from where I live - which is difficult with working night shift - because I am asleep when others are awake - and then I am just getting up when groups are starting out of town - so it hasnt been anything I have been able to stick to. There arent any meetups in the area I live in - I have even tried starting one of my own with no interest shown. I tried going to our local craft store to see about learning how to crochet - no interest. I thought I had found a yoga group to join - close to my house and inexpensive - but because it is such a small town and no interest had been shown in awhile they stopped the group. They closed their bookstore down here too - which I really miss - it was closed before I even moved here. I do go 40 - 50 minutes away when I am really needing to remove myself from isolation - but its not something I can do on a regular basis. Thank you for the ideas - much appreciated! Keep them coming. :)
Thanks so muchfor sharing your story with us! I can relate, to a certain degree. First of all, I admire you for being able to let go of the toxic relationships in your life! Honestly. That is something I'm struggling with myself, mainly for the reasons you mentioned. You definitely did make a right decision, even though it might seem like you're being punished for it now. (Side note: I do believe that the saying "no good deed goes unpunished" is oftentimes true.) Since I'm an introvert as well, I can confirm that you do indeed need to like your own company to be satisfied with not having many close friends. Although I guess that the gut-wrenching sense of loneliness hits every such person once in a while, nomatter how much they might like being alone. Another great thing you said is that friendship is a two-way street. I think a lot of people often forget about that. Both sides need to make an effort to make it work.
I'm not helping much, am I? The only ideas that come to my mind are the usual clich- joining some group (book club, sports group?), themed internet fora, etc. Volunteering is a great way to stay in contact with people, so I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. You said you have a furry baby. What kind of baby is it? I know I used to meet a lot of people when I had a dog. I really hope someone else will have some better input. Good luck!
Actually it just helps to know that people are listening and hearing what I say. Sometimes I feel like I get too "inside of my head" and I am not sure if I am seeing things clearly.
I have a dog - and he helps a lot. I have tried getting involved with animal rescue - I havent found anything local but do get involved when I can in the city that is close to me. I know this is "temporary" - it just seems that now things have started pulling themselves together in other ways I can focus on living and not just surviving - so my focus has shifted to finding friends - even acquantences - to hang out with - thanks for reading!
Hi lifeisgood706 - I really relate to your post. I spend most of my time in isolation, too.
Wish you lived nearby - I would have coffee with you and be your friend :)
One thing - I know it really does take time to make friends, especially in a small town. Seems like you started looking actively recently, so maybe hang in there and keep doing what you're doing.
Also...have you ever thought about moving to a bigger town, or changing you job to a daytime shift so you can do social things? You probably have, I was just wondering.
We all get lonely ever so often, even people who are surrounded by other people. I'm really glad you have you furry friend.
Good luck!
