Ok I need an actual solution
I'm tired of thinking that I'll just somehow figure it out myself? Or that I'll find something?
I need something that's like therapy except I'm unable to use money or go anywhere
Ok I know what you're thinking, either "that's impossible wow poor you pity shame" or "try harder, rebel, go work at McDonalds for 20 years" but..??? That's not helpful or practical advice.
I mean...am I supposed to just sit around and be a pile o shit forever? I'm just sitting here wanting to know how bad my problems are and how to fix them. I'm tired of this being an issue that just sits there idly. I already lost my only friend! I don't want this to be forever.
I need something. Someone who actually knows what they're talking about. And. Maybe it will come down to me needing a brain substance change (medication). Too bad I can't do that, but, I could come close maybe with other ways.
Watch me just never find anything helpful. Maybe in 50 years I'll finally become human.
I am 56, so I have been struggling for 50 years just about. My OCD symtoms started around age 10, but my BPD began long before that.
What I find may be helpful to you is either borrowing or buying a cheap second hand book on DBT, there are also free borderline websites that have techniques that can help a wide range of issues, not just borderlines. Meditation has helped many, mantra meditation is soothing - if you are of a spiritual bend, it can be just repeating a word, a name of your personal belief system, if spirituality is not part of your life, you can just use a word like calm, peace, tranquil. Sit quietly, and finger the word on a set of beads, any beads will do, the don't have to be official ' prayer beads '.
Let me know how you get on. 
