Social anxiety and trust problems
I've had this problem for a long time, I've learned to hide it over the years because I thought I was just introverted and weird and that seemed off-putting to me so I hid it from others, but recently I noticed that the problem is deeper than I thought. I fear rejection by others, so much so that I can barely trust my closest friends, the smallest things cut deep and I just don't know why, I originally didn't want anyone to know about my problems but someone I trust recommended I talk about it so here I am, I'm kept up at night from time to time and just have this general feeling of being a burdon to people, like I'm just another random aquaintance to those I hold closest whom they could do without in a heartbeat, I feel replaceable at any moment, like if I just vanished no one would even notice or care, if I actually let someone get close enough to me that I think I can trust them the smallest things they do can sometimes shatter me to pieces eventhough they weren't even intentionally hurtful. I don't know why I'm so sensitive but I wish I could just let things go more, if someone is nice to me I used to get way too involved in the relationship only to be disappointed and broken time and time again because I apparently wasn't to them what they were to me, I just don't know what to do or how to keep myself from setting myself up for disappointment, my stupid brain always assumes the worst no matter what the situation, like if I'm left on read or something I will start to freak out and wonder what I did or said to make them suddenly dislike me, I consciously know how stupid that is and that they are probably just busy or have spotty internet but in the back of my head there is the constant thought of being on the edge of ruining every relationship I have. It's so bad that in public I basically have everything about myself from the way I stand, move, talk and everything trimmed to fit what I think will get most people to assume I'm normal and likable but deep down I'm just killed by the thought of being the lonely outcast I was when I was younger, but the only thing this has got me was a bunch of "friends" who couldn't give half a shit whether I exist or not, I'm a tolerated presence, thats all. I'm neither hated nor wanted, which is even worse to me that being a hated figure, at least people would have feelings about me then, but just accepting that I'm in this limbo space where no one gives even the slightest shit about me is draining me physically at this point, I'm the guy who is standing in a circle of people who are all talking and making plans for the weekend that specifically include everyone but me. I've tried dealing with these problems myself but the only thing that has got me is not seeing anyone anymore except a very few people whom my stupid brain still doesn't allow me to fully trust eventhough they are the best people in my life. That and several anxious breakdowns in my bedroom which have also lead me to finally reach out to more people, I hope this doesn't sound stupid but it's really draining me and tearing me apart so any advice or help is appreciated and welcomed with open arms, thank you for reading and hopefully replying.
I needed to see this. Thank you for sharing. I have always had similar issues as those you addressed. I keep my personal life close and rarely open the doors to my inner life. Other than that I have an extrovert personality. I draw my boundary lines boldly and limit what I truly share. A handful of times I have opened those doors to trust only to be shunned later on. I have been experiencing this as of late. I feel the levels of betrayal are peaked and I feel so exposed. I know this will pass and I am sick of hearing that let alone typing that same thing to you. We want it fixed. We want acknowledgment and apology. I am learning yet again to just let it go. To learn and grow from it. I am also working with a therapist on how to navigate through this process in a healthier way. I don’t have the answers. I just have the shared parallel experiences. You’re NOT alone. 🙏
I'm sorry you have to deal with this stuff too, it sucks but such is life, thank you for you words, I will try my hardest to remind myself to just let go, I wish you the best in your own journey!
Same here
@lightGlobe6380
Stupid is one of the many feelings I get when I admit to people, let alone to myself, the very close similar experiences I had. So thank you for sharing this and making me feel less alone and less stupid. I could not have expressed it even more accurately; it is as if you pulled out my very thoughts and memories and articulated them best. I love reading, so I admire your expressive writing so much. That part where you described feeling ignored on messages reminded me of the recent chat I had with my high school best friend wherein it took her a long time to reply. It made me think it was intentional, but she was probably busy.
Kudos for writing this, even though this must be painful. I hope it helps in some way bring closure and clarity to you. I am still going through this and also searching for an answer. So I don't have the best-recommended approach. I can't afford to seek professional help, so the cheapest things I do and can tolerate a little bit are writing my feelings and experiences in a journal and meditation. If not for trust issues, at least for my overthinking and anxiety. And then I partner them with reading any free self-help books I can get my hands on. Writing is therapeutic for me, almost as if it's my form of exorcism. I can only hope it does the same for you.
All the best!
Thanks for reading, I can only say the same about having felt completely alone before I came here. I have in the past tried writing my feelings down in poems when it got really bad but maybe an every day journal is a good option, I wish you all the best!
@lightGlobe6380 It explains why you have an eloquent way of words. Well, I am glad you're here. One thing that also makes me feel less alone is reading self-help books or listening to podcasts, or watching videos such as Ted Talks. Something about how they describe my exact feelings feels comforting. Perhaps most of the time, the advice is easier to say than do. But reading them humbles and grounds me somehow as if I am halfway there.
These are maybe monotonous and tedious, as is meditation. But I downloaded a habit tracking app, and every time I look at it, I remind myself that I have nothing else better to do anyway with what I am going through. I only read one or two chapters or pages a day, so it'll be less overwhelming. If I am feeling extra motivated, I write lines of affirmations. And then, I listen to podcasts during my downtime.
As for people, whenever I start to overthink, I try to remind myself that most of the time, the things they say and do aren't about me. Maybe they are also going through something. And that's the only way they know how to express themselves.
No pressure, though. I hope you find one that works for you. Good luck!
Thank you @lightGlobe6380 and @fictionjunkie for sharing. I feel like I am also on a parallel road. I'm a people pleaser. I'm afraid to be a burden to others yet I have no problems carrying their burdens. I too wonder if anyone really cares about me. I can ask someone how their weekend was and they can go on a 10 minute explanation. Yet they are satisfied when they ask me the same question and I just reply Fine. No one forward. presses me for more details.
I have tried to journal but I'm afraid someone will find it and read it.
I am here to find my support system since I do not have one outside of this platform.
I am hoping expressing myself here before those that I think don't have any perceived bias will give me the release i need to move forward.
So what if someone finds it? You are you and you're issues matter, they are nothing to be ashamed of! Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best, I could really relate to your story!
@Peapod22
Hello, thank you for being here. I am so sorry for what you're going through; I am glad you're here. I can relate to the feeling of giving more to the person, only to receive less. I hope you find the support system and outlet that you need. I also have a similar fear when it comes to journaling. I hope you find the means to keep it safe. Nowadays, I write on my password-protected phone. It makes me feel more secure. Good luck!
I can totally relate to your post. Have you spoke to a therapist? Mine said its because of my self worth issues I have from childhood. I'll be honest, I've tried CBT, yoga, meditation, counseling, even hypnotherapy and I've picked up little coping mechanisms along the way which helps at times, but that feeling inside is still always there. I just wish it would disappear. Admittedly, I tend to try things for a week or two then get bored or distracted and stop so maybe thats why, this is why I joined this app last night to see if talking to people in the same boat as me will help. Fingers crossed for us both! 🤞❤️
No I haven't, I can't afford a psychiatrist or therapist, I hope you can find what you need here and all the best in your endeavor!
Aww have you checked your employee benefits if they offer free medical insurance as mental health therapy usually is within that? That's what I used recently for CBT.
But it must be frustrating to continue feeling that way. Cause you just want to have normal interaction with the people in your life. To be able to trust again. And yet, there's a part in you that just can't do that.
I think you should focus on doing something that makes you feel good about yourself. Focus more on improving yourself rather than putting too much energy into relationships or friendships. It doesn't mean you isolate yourself. Just interact as usual but focus more on what you can control.
Sooner or later, people will see what they miss if they fail to appreciate you properly. And you will attract people who genuinely care about you too and appreciate you. And you know you can trust them. Because they've been filtered out from a bunch of people you always try to be there for without asking anything in return. Because they're the people who wouldn't take your good heart for granted.
Journalling is also good to help you reflect on each moment. Make you realize things you might not before. I didn't do journaling, but I usually would take some time to reflect and get a better understanding of how people act and react during particular moments and how it affects my emotions. And how my action and reaction affect theirs.
When you feel upset or troubled, it's easy to take the road that's not leading to a great place. But even if people around you don't always make it easy, take the higher road whenever possible. That way, you're preventing yourself from being secretly criticized by the one person whose opinion matters most to you. Yourself.
The good thing is, you're here. You're now a part of a community packed with people who are willing to be there for others. I hope you've found someone you feel comfortable talking to and who is able to understand you. But even if you haven't, don't be discouraged. Just continue taking the step. And if you happen to have some bad experience, always keep in mind that most of the time, the way people treat you is more about them than about you. Don't let other people's failure to appreciate you makes you believe you're not good enough. You are more than enough!
@Litepanda
I understand the concept of doing something for myself, but I stop short because I feel guilty. I feel selfish. What can I do to get past this self sabotage?
@lightGlobe6380
@fictionjunkie
@needtochange22
@Peapod22
Yes, I understand. It's not easy for me either. Even up to this day, sometimes I still feel that way.
What works for me is to keep in mind how bettering myself can serve others too in the end. I think it's easier to do this in a professional environment. Because if we do it in a personal environment, it can be inevitable to hope that the other person will at least appreciate things we do for them. But in the professional environment, we can focus on the thought that we do it as part of our responsibility. And like I said, keep in mind how doing good can benefit others too. When I did my job, I didn't do it to get credit for myself or so that I would get a promotion or such. I did my best because when I perform well, my team and other people I worked with can benefit from it too.
When I feel troubled or stuck with certain negative emotions, I will try to look around and see how I can do something for others. You can donate or share a bit of what you have with the unfortunate. Doesn't have to be something big. Any amount matters. But what I really like doing is feeding stray cats. If there're no stray cats in your area, maybe you can volunteer at the animal shelter or such. You can also do other volunteering acts too. Just find what suits you from all aspects.
Sometimes doing something for people can be a bit problematic. At some point, they will begin to act as if it's our obligation to do something for them. At some point, what we give might not even be enough anymore for them. And instead of feeling rewarded, we might feel burdened. Well, that's my experience, but I guess it depends on the people and the act we do. But cats, dogs, or such are always grateful for what we give or do for them.
Thank you so much, it did help me, I wish you all the best and thank you for such a lengthy response!
Hey LightGlobe,
I understand that feeling really well. It's very lonesome. I hope one day you can be able to find people who truly appreciate you and want to spend their time with you! ❤️
@lightGlobe6380 You don't say how old you are, but I am late fifties and often feel the same way. For me it seems to be caused by how I was brought up (racial minority, often an outsider - moved a lot, and strict parents) but therapy hasn't helped. THere's a book called The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*** , which is on my list to read. Hate to sound vulgar but that is the title. I wish you well; know that you are not alone.
@inventiveTalker7448 also, the only thing that helps me is getting out of my own head by staying busy. I volunteer a lot. This helps tremendously. No time to wallow!
Thanks for the recommendation, I hope you can also get better soon! Also thank you for volunteering, you're doing a very good and important thing!
@lightGlobe6380 Exactly the same things happen with me ... I just want to know for how long it remained with you, and how you get rid of it.
Please reply me if you can , because i m really needy . Thankyou
As long as I can remember, also I joined here because I need help myself, sorry that I can only tell you to try and distract yourself and wish you good luck with your journey!
I think it has something to do with avpd, which is something worse then social fobia. I check all the boxes and doing dynamic therapy now. It is cbt, but goes deeper and takes longer. I just need help with coping and the distortions in my head. It makes me isolate myself. They did not diagnose me but all of what I came across on forums/youTube is in complete alignment.
Hi @lightglobe6380
Reading this makes me feel like I understand what I'm going through. I honestly hope you find the support and help you need. If you need to talk I'm here too. This isn't stupid at all, I totally understand how you feel. Anxiety is the worst and I think even though it seems easier not to bother people it's what you've got to try to understand things better or find a way to help your mind.
Thanks, I'll consider taking you up on your kind offer if I need an ear! I wish you the best with your own journey!
