Wishing to be part of the cultural herd

My heart is in turmoil. A sense of shame and lost. A lack of belonging in my culture. I don’t even know how to begin explaining this and why I am so affect by it.

It may be hard for many people to understand my cultural/racial ethnicity structure. We promote the ideology of clan and supporting each other through exchange of labor. I come to your event, you come to mine. Each ritual or parties we host required assistance from relatives or people within the clan. Those among my ethnicity that still follow the old way, do this. Even those who has converted to other religion still somewhat follow this old way when hosting parties and especially when it comes to funeral. We don’t show up to your funeral because we are relatives or because we know you but because we are expected to. It is an exchange of labor.

Soon a cousin I don’t know will have a funeral. My mother has been expecting me to go. I feel bad saying no to her and also to our cultural norm, we are to go. I wouldn’t know anyone and I have social anxiety so I really don’t wanna go. She wants me to show my face for 30 minutes at most but seriously who is gonna know me. With mask on and so many people going in and out, would there even be seats? Would some of the relatives even recognize me?

I am torn between going and just ignoring it. I don’t do much with my clan as they didn’t invite us since my dad’s stroke and his beef with almost all my close and distance uncles. It is hard for me to understand why I feel the way I do. The word shame cut really deep. I am suppose to know at least half of my cousin. I am suppose to at least be involved half the time. My mom is really involved in the clan and so they will talk. It hurts not living up to expectation. It hurts knowing the herd but not walking with the herd, if you understand what I mean.

I feel very uncomfortable.