Worried I
The last two years of my life have been like a rollercoaster. Ive gone through periods of low self confidence and suicidal thoughts. Ive been to two different therapists, but hated every minute of each session and lied to both of them to get out of going. I hate talking about my problems, they make me feel vulnerable, and weak.
Im scared to start any kind of relationship, I feel like I need to try solve my problems before jumping into something. Ive got no one to trust to talk to, anyone I talked to in the past either told me to grow a pair or overreacted and made things worse.
I feel like Im a failure. Im almost 17, and all my friends seem to have plans for the future. Meanwhile, anytime I decide what I want to do after school, people seem to pass comments about how I wouldnt be able to do it, that Im not smart enough. I know I shouldnt listen to this, but I keep thinking What if Im not smart enough. What if I dont get into college, what can I do with my life then.
Before my father passed away, I promised him I would go into medicine, and try help find a cure for Cancer ( which he was battling at the time, before sadly loosing the fight) or other diseases. Since then, Ive realised Im not smart enough for that, and that the last promise I made to him I cant keep. This makes me angry more than anything else.
So now its back to not knowing what I want to do in life. I want to have a job that makes a difference. I want to help other people.
Im sorry for rambling on. I honestly dont know if any of this makes sense. Im just venting, if anyone has any advice it is much appreciated.
Thank you, Jack
@JackB66
To me I don't see that profession (or anY other) as "smart". Being a doctor requires a big heart and ALOT of hard work.
If you work hard you can for sure achieve your dream!
However the finding a cure, I'll be honest, those things take time. Doctors need money to found research. Is not impossible! is 100% possible! But takes time.
This to say I think you're getting very pressured.
In the end of the day I think your dad wanted your happiness as n 1 priority. Maybe he accepted that promise so he knew you would keep going and have a goal to focous with. As a parent your biggest fear is how your child will be and he was probably worried about it.
So wheather you want to focous on medicine or not just remember to be happy
@JackB66
Hey Jack!
First, feeling like a failure is totally normal. Try and use that energy and turn it into something positive. And just because you have discovered that medicine isnt for you, doesnt mean that you cant find another way to honour your father. There are tonnes of other ways that you can directly support cancer research (and other related fields) without being a doctor or having some fancy degree.
Dont feel bad for feeling lost, were all a little lost. And even all your friends that seem to have found their path, or have figured it out are all a little scared too. Plus, chances are it will change in a few years. You never really end up where you thought you were going to.
And dont feel bad about not liking your therapists, sometimes it takes awhile to find one that you really click with. I went through at least 7 before I finally found one that I could actually talk to and make progress on my problems. The point is that you keep going. Keep trying to open up. Even if its about small things. Sometimes when you can talk about little things, it can make it easier to talk about the big things and come to understand your problems and how to fix them.
I hope you keep trying.
