cbse class 12 results in india (rant)

i just got my results today and I'm absolutely devastated, I didn't even touch 80 percentage, I'm so upset. i used to be really good at studies until grade 10 (scored 95 percentage then) and this year was such a major drop. my parents are very disappointed as well, my mom cried too, it made me so sad. i quite literally refused any help from them, told them I can do it better and didn't take up any requests for tutors cause I was just a self-centred idiot, I suppose. or at least that's what they say, and my results have convinced me to believe them, I guess. 

a lot of my friends did better, most of my mom's friends' children did so so so much better (like touched 95 percentage better) and I hate comparing myself but then again, how much worse could I be, you know? if I couldn't get something decent enough, then the fault has to be on my side, right? i genuinely expected around 85-ish percentage, I think? but I was never confident enough to actually tell that to my parents, because what if I didn't? 

i was super distracted the entire time. i spent time on like roblox, twt and stuff like that, I don't even know how time slipped, it was that bad. i didn't do any better in school, but my school was known to be stricter, and yet I scored if anything, lesser than what I did in school. my mom is in the same education industry, and she's now blaming herself for not looking into my studies better and stuff. i was never serious enough, I always took it up too lightly. i could simply just not study at all. i would have my book open, sit in my designated spot and still not focus. i do one page and somehow convince myself to do something else and enjoy my life. 

i got into this college but its super expensive. it had an entrance exam and based on my ranking I was supposed to get my fee structure, so naturally I messed that up too. now the fees is too high (affordable, but I'm just upset I could've done better) and I attempted jee mains once got like 48 percentile, like where do I even start with that? that is just simply pathetic. i acted like I didn't care in front of my parents because I struggle with showing my emotions to them. i gave so many excuses wow. then I attempted neet, which was my first option since forever, and of course I manage to mess that up too. i didn't even attempt half the questions. i made my mom spend for a two year program in aakash for this (which I didn't attend properly either, because I'm too egoistic to admit I just didn't understand what was going on and refused to work on it) and neet is quite literally no longer an option. 

i wanted to try for architecture, but I didn't know my board marks are considered for this calculation? and since I royally messed up my boards, even if I get a centum (which has quite literally never happened before since its based on like creativity) I probably wont get into my desired college. and the course doesnt have too much demand in the workforce (college has high demand) due to the increase in AI. so I'm not willing to spend not a single penny over the merit quota I can get through nata.  

and above all this, my father is currently unemployed. he's been trying for literal months and nothing has been helping him. I'm from a middle class family, I quite literally cant afford anything I would get into because of my scores. we don't have much saved up, and my parents said they would only let me go to these specific colleges for architecture and if I don't get in, then I just don't. 

I'm so done with myself. what do I even work on after this? 

also, please don't offer comments about how 'you did good' or 'it doesnt matter on the long run' because it matters now and I'm upset cause what do I even do?