how to cope
tw: mention of death, suicide
@ZeroName
First, I'm sorry this happened to you. Losing someone always leaves scars, but a suicide makes it worse by leaving guilt. The first thing to relize is that it's not your fault. Second guessing yourself now is normal, but there's nothing you could have done. The fact that you're the only one to get a goodbye says that you weren't the problem.
Second, it sounds like you're putting a lot on yourself. It's not your job to explain your friend to anyone. If his family has questions and you want to answer them, fine. But you don't owe that to them. If your friend put that expectation in the letter, then that was extremely unfair. No matter how well you knew him, there's no way you can be expected to know what was going on in his head. If you feel like you need to explain/answer questions, I'd suggest doing it in writing. Tell his family to get you a list of questions they have and answer them once so you don't have to keep going over everything and reliving it. If you want to do this multiple times for followups that's entirely up to you. It may even help you process, but again, it's not necessary.
This is just one opinion from someone who's never been in your place, so take it or leave it. I hope that whatever you do is what's best for you. And yes, from my experiance, it'll take awhile to feel 'real'. I've had people close to me pass and there's still days I wake up and forget they're not here anymore.
@Lythande
hello! thank you for taking the time to comment, I don't have much to say as I'm quite busy as of now. but I just want to thank you. I'll take this response of yours into account and try to reflect.
@ZeroName
Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss, so young 🥺 Suicide breaks your heart because it leaves so many loose threads and unanswered questions and guilt, could I have done more? Could I have changed their mind? It must still feel surreal and numb, so I can understand why you feel like you'll receive a message. You I have no doubt we're a good friend and were loved, I'm sending you all the love and hugs in the world as you navigate your way without your friend, there's no timeline or proper way to grieve, don't be hard with yourself and its going to be tough becauae your friend mattered 💜💕