Anger, depression or something else?

So, I'm 23.

I'm not entirely sure where to start. From age 9 I have been in Foster Care and I left the "system" when I left high school age 17. It wasn't that my parents were particularly unable to look after me it was more that I was consistently involved in fights at school, fighting with the teachers, the police, smashing windows, generally damaging property... I was a little shit basically. I needed strict parenting at home which didn't happen. The sad reality is that I've always had a curious mind and I feel like if my parents incited this more none of the above would ever have happened, but they didn't know. My curiosity and the "parenting" recieved in foster care has helped me make a good life for myself so far. Ive been through college, completed an apprenticeship, got engaged, had a baby and I'm currently studying a part time degree in engineering.

Unfortunately life is nowhere near is good as it looks for me. (Maybe it never is for anyone?) My father died when I was 16 from cancer and the battle was not nice for the whole family... it left me to be a male figure in my brothers lifes, something I really didn't want to do, I didn't want to give up my brother to brother relationship in exchange for a "I'm the boss now do as I say" relationship.. If you understand that.

I am so lathargic towards parenting despite loving my baby to bits, I'm unsure if my partner has loved me past the point of conception of our child... I'm unsure if I love her, I hate my job (currently applying for others) and I'm unsure if I can handle the stress of my degree on top of all of this (the next module of it is due to start in october). I have an ex who I had a baby with but I never see but pay child maintenance for...

The biggest issue by far though, especially since we had our baby, is my partners parents. I do not get on with them, especially her mother. I think it stems from the fact that I love details, I like making sure things are done... correctly shall we say... or atleast with some reason to back up the action. I don't just take old wifes tales as fact and I'm sorry but I'd rather take research proven medication than herbal remedies that arent proven... thats just me, whereas her mother tries to shove her word down your throat like its a piece of god written advice that dare not be ignored. I'll explain further...

Before we realised the baby was on the way we decided to give up our rented accommodation and move back in with our parents to save for a house, my partner with her mum and dad and myself with my grandmother. This meant I'd be close to my work for commuting and that my partner would be close to hers.

Saving didn't go to plan, but having a taste of freedom and then it being taken away was the biggest thing we both disliked, it was like imprisoning ourselves with rules again and god do my partners parents love to give her rules (you cant do this, you cant do that) I'ts a joke really.

Getting back to what I was saying earlier, since the baby has been born her mother has become more and more controlling in the rules sense, for example she tried to force me to use vaseline on my babys bum as it was a little red the other day. I mentioned that I think it might be better for it to breathe rather than be covered up and she went ahead to put it on anyway. When I stopped her (because she didnt listen to me at all and... I might have been wrong about it but I'm the childs dad?) she decided to have a go at me saying the baby always comes back from "YOUR" family like this.... this is her having a dig at my family for me being in foster care and to me because of how lathargic I am with parenting which she's obviously picked up on, shes done this a few times.

I basically hate her parents.... I never say anything though, I do not like confrontation at the best of times but I'm mainly so scared of my old self. I know I was young back then but I've always felt that side of me is still in there and that if I started to confront them I'd "black out" and end up jailed, those my job, be unable to see my daughter or worse actually hurt my daughter accidentaly while trying to hurt others...I know this seems extreme but the above is only one example of the digs and comments made etc.

My partner and I... well, she doesn't take my side usually. She says she does but I always feel like its said to please me. She would never speak up to them about what they say about me or my family. I don't feel any support in this sense at all. I once said I hoped her parents plane crashed (blurted out in anger at them) and, of course, she went mental at me for it. It wasn't intentional in the sense that I obviously didn't want that to happen but it was a way of letting out anger without "hurting" them... thats what my mind thought anyway.

At the same time she doesn't feel supported by me either. She says to me I don't do enough to help with our baby... I actually feel like I try my hardest though, I realise I probably do seem lathargic or I am lathargic towards it but... it is honestly me trying as hard as I can... sometimes I just dont know what to do, I dont have the instinct most people do. I'm not stupid though, I know how to look after the baby but If given the choice id rather my partner took care of the baby than me... I dont know if that makes me a horrific person or not... all I know is that I feel ive nothing more to give to either of them emotionally and physically.

I've gotten much more fatter over the past year, so this has caused me to be depressed, then eat to feel good then feel depressed again cause im fat so I'm currently in a horrible endless circle of fat depression. It affects my relationship as well because we don't have sex because I feel horrible about myself.

My work is affected because I have no confidence, my parenting is affected because i would rather sit inside than take my baby swimming for the day. I recognise it needs to be fixed so I hope thats a step in the right direction if nothing else.

I keep everything locked inside, I don't speak to anyone about any of the above because when I once did my friends told me to leave my partner on the basis that for my whole life there would be anomosity with her parents and that because she doesnt aspire to be much of a better version of herself than she is that she isnt worth me or im worth more than her because I do. I didnt agree with the above at the time so I didn't leave her (this was before baby) and now i feel silly speaking to those friends about issues now because... it feels like they could say "we told you so".

I feel like running away... crying.... because I'm so freightened of hurting people due to everything being built up. I don't really know if I love my partner anymore, I don't trust her in the sense that I know she constantly asks her friends for advice on the things ive said or am doing... "should I stay with him" etc.

Sorry its such a long post... help/advice appreciated. If I'm in the wrong please say, I can expand on areas if required but to go through absolutely everything would be a million pages. Thanks