Feeling lost

A year ago, a lifetime of stress collapsed around me. I took a leave from work, went through PHP and IOP, and 6 months later thought I had a working plan to be functional once again.

My first 3 months back at work were great - they put me in a low-stress role, virtually no deadlines, I really enjoyed what I was doing. And it was valuable to the company. Then everything changed.

A couple months ago I started splitting my time between the internal work and my normal client work. We thought we could balance things.  It was a struggle, but survivable. Then I was told the funding for my internal work was gone and I was back to 100% client work. That was the day everything came tumbling down.

Two weeks later, I'm back acknowledging I just can't do this anymore. I can't be in a position where I have panic attacks every day, where I know I'm letting people down by not being able to focus on the job (or even remember what I'm supposed to be doing at any given time). Yet I will also let people down if I don't keep doing it - my family depends on me. 

I'm hoping to find some sort of permanent internal role to change to, but I'm not optimistic.

Pessimism seems to be my theme this week. I slept 90 minutes tonight, almost 6 hours ago. Now I have to get through another 5 hours before I even start my day, then 10 hours of the actual day itself. I haven't stopped crying in the last 3 hours because I feel so lost and hopeless. 

I know the world isn't ending. I know there will be a solution somewhere. I just hate the feeling of everything crumbling underneath you, the whole foundation you thought you'd solidly built your whole life.

Oh yeah, hi, I'm new here, and I ramble alot. I'm also really good at listening and supporting others, just lousy at supporting myself.