I... Want to be depressed
I'm... Not sure how to say this, so I'm just going to ramble until I get everything in my head out, if that's ok?
Im depressed. Have been for nearly 2 years. Yes, my family knows about it, but I've not shared how bad it is. Why I'm depressed... Is something I can't really answer. I can make guesses: Wasting 4 years of my life on a batchelors I felt was pointless because I would never use it, feeling that I'd never made any real impact on the world or ever done anything of merit, that all my decisions and accomplishments up to then were just stage managed and controlled by my parents, the fact I'm trapped in their house, unable to move out because they refuse to allow it (and the ridicule of friends who find this laughable, who think that I could just leave any time I wanted), fears of being unable to live in the real world, my aspergers..,, I don't honestly know what's caused it, and I could go on forever speculating.
Because of it, I'm stuck, unable and unwilling to change, unable to find joy in things used to love doing. I'd wanted to be a writer of sci fi... Now I can't even write the first page. I'm overweight, to an unhealthy degree, but I'm content to be that way, content to just let it get worse till I die despite the tears and upset of my parents... And yet I blame them for it, thinking that "I'd want to live my life if I had one, if you let me leave, instead of trapping me, if you'd shown me how to live alone rather than control my life, if you hadn't criticised and nitpicked every attempt to exercise I've ever made, moaning that I'm "not putting enough effort in", so what is even the point if NOTHING will be good enough?". In a sick way, my depression has given me a purpose to my unhappiness; as long as I'm miserable in their "captivity" (despite the fact I know I could never survive on my own), then means something, but if I'm cured.., then I will be happy in my gilded cage...
You, dear reader, probably can't understand what I'm saying, writing me off as "selfish and uncaring".
Ironically, it's because I care that the main issue with my depression exists: I want to be depressed... Because I want to punish myself.
My depression is known to my fiends. Many have tried and continue to try to help me. But because of it, I have become... Horrible to them. When the mood hits, I can be unreasonable, unpleasant, all manner of "un" words to them... And, as of time of writing, two of them refuse to speak to me anymore.
And it depresses me. And makes me want to stay depressed. How will fixing me fix the damage I have done? What good will it do if people I care about have been hurt by my words? Why do I, the villain, deserve redemption after what I've done?
I want to be depressed, because at least then, I'm being punished for hurting people I care about... Despite the fact I hurt the people I should care about - my parents - by remaining depressed.
I care.., and yet I don't care.
I don't want to be depressed... But I don't want to be cured after all I have done.
That probably makes no sense, right?
Any thoughts are welcome, but I warn you; It might be fruitless to try to help me. It's hard to be cared about if you don't care for yourself.
@jasongallagher I want you to know that I read every word, but your last sentence really stood out to me. "It's hard to be cared about if you don't care for yourself." I think the reason for this is that, when you are not at a level at which you can care for yourself, you're also not able to access the care of others - you won't be able to see it or feel it, because you're not programmed to, if that makes sense. I am a firm believer in self love and putting the self first. The way you've written out your thoughts - with such eloquence and detail - speaks highly of your intelligence and ability to feel. The ability to feel, the ability to admit that your depression gives you a purpose, is no small feat and your self-awareness seems very well developed. These may seem like small fish to you, but they really are not. :) So I applaud you for coming this far and for being able to talk about your feelings. I don't think you seem to want to talk about a fix for them right now and I respect that, but just know that if you ever do or are interested just in talking further about this, I am here for you.
@jasongallagher
I think it says a lot about someone if they feel as if they need to punish themselves for the harm they feel they've brought onto others. I think that in itself is a good reason to justify that you are not the "villain". Chances are, and from what I've gathered, you aren't the only one who makes you feel that way. But try to remember that there are billions of people in this world, every single one of them capable of seeing you in a different way and as an entirely different person. There is really no way to define someone as "bad," or any varient of the prefix "un-". All of those things are defined by our own perseption, meaning that in the end it really isn't defined at all. Nothing in life is defined. The idea that it is or that there is a a right path or a wrong path is simply an allusion humans have created. Anything can change at any moment. Hell, the Earth could just as well blow up and it wouldn't owe anyone a warning or explanation. I know you've probably heard this until your ears bleed, but I think the best step to take is finding a way to get away from the house. That may be moving, or even just spending most of your time elsewhere. Keep in mind that no matter what eventually your parents won't be there. They will get to the age where they won't even be capable of caring for themselves let alone anyone else. I know why being on your own when you have been confined for so long can make you have a sense of learned helplessness. I can honestly say I struggle with this a lot. I have just turned 18 and I'm stuck in a group home. I'm expected to be able to survive on my own before 19 when I haven't even been taught how to use a toaster, but slowly I'm trying. I'm learning these skills the best I can because if I don't, well, I don't know what willl happen. I don't even have parents to live with. If anything I would suggest maybe finding a "pay what you make" place. I know a friend who lives under a church that has small rooms for males and the rent is very cheap. You are basically independant. You get your own room, you can come and go as you'd like, and you get a lot of help and support along the way. I'm not sure where you are located but most places have recourses for people who want to be independant but need just a little help getting there. Like an extra step between living with your parents and suddenly being independant. No, it won't be easy. I'm not going to lie to you. But you have choices. There are two voices in your head, maybe more, saying you don't care at all, or you care so much that you need to be punished. But in reality punishing yourself will get you no where, and if you think about it saying you don't care at all will in the end punish you. You don't have to justify yourself or find an excuse, but remember you create who you are every day. Something you said or did 10 years ago does not define who you are today or who you will become.
This will sound cliche as hell, but you really can be whoever you want.
