I don't know what I need..
For the past few months I have been battling my hardest battle yet with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and self harm.
I am seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist and I am also in care of an IOP. The medications keep changing for various reasons. The last medication I was on almost made me feel worse. I ended up in the hospital because I didn't want to be here anymore.
I would always say, "I would never do that to my wife." But in this state of mind I keep thinking, "she will be ok." I feel so stressed out about this new way of thinking. I keep having thoughts of self harm and sometimes I give into them. I'm scared to tell my treatment team because I don't want to be hospitalized again.
I just can't seem to get out of this black hole. I feel like it has enveloped my entire life and I keep getting darker. When I feel like I might start to get better all I feel is numb. I'm tired of putting on a happier face for people around me. I'm tired of stopping myself from harming myself.
I have no appetite for anything even though I know I'm hungry. When I finally do eat, the food just doesn't taste good to me. And then I feel sick and anxious. Sometimes the anxiety is so bad I end up throwing up anything I had eaten. I feel very weak and shaky.
Here in support @Peaces33ker... and know this is a very hard battle that you are fighting. Its a very dark place to be...and can understand something of this from my own experience. At this time you need to be cared for and the team of people who are alongside you will do this.... can you tell them what is going on for you... sometimes we need to be in hospital for our own safety,and for our loved ones like your wife. Its hard to see in the darkness that you can come through this, its likely to take time, but be encouraged you can win this battle. Please PM me if you'd like to chat. Thinking of you.
@rozie thank you for your kind words. I do not want to have to go back to inpatient. My first experience there was very rough and it was a very scary place. I don't remember much of it due to how heavily medicated I was. But what I do remember was terrifying.
@Peaces33ker Sorry to hear that this experience was so terrifying for you, and hoping that with the support you have, that it won't be necessary again. Wondering if it woudl help to notice even the smallest step you take to begin to move out of the dark.. we often miss these....all the best.