I hope I am loved even when I am not confident
People often blame I am not confident, or give me negative or indifferent responses. It feels like they love me, or confide in me only when I am good enough. But deep down I believe I deserve more love and help because I struggle to perform/ to live because of the shattered confidence due to traumatic experience. I hope people focus on the good sides on me, rather than pressuring me to improve sides I am not good enough.
I am worn out acting confident/ capable to avoid the contempt from others. It feels like my heart has already run out of blood. I hope that people respond with my vulnerability with 'I understand.', or truly feeling it, instead of solutions or something like 'you're overthinking/ being sensitive.'.
@Elizawan
I do understand lacking confidence. I dealt with low self-esteem and lack of confidence from early childhood to well within adulthood. I'm also extremely shy and introverted. Therefore, even on a good day, my confidence can be easily shaken.
I have made progress though. I've come to realize that before confidence can be considered, self acceptance is necessary. Even while feeling socially awkward, if I can accept myself with compassion, the lack of confidence doesn't hurt as much. At the same time, self acceptance is the first and most essential step towards gaining confidence.
My traumatic experience included molestation and abuse, bullying and humiliation. Also, PTSD, ADHD, dyslexia, chronic illness, medical neglect, being both overweight and malnourished, and poverty.
Oh yeah, I do overthink and I am sensitive. I've also been alive for a while, and have both observed and learned a few things. Hence, I'd like to share a few thoughts with you.
No one should "blame" you for not being confident. It's not a choice, therefore blame is irrelevant. When people are negative or indifferent, around someone who isn't feeling confident, it strongly suggests that they are too shallow to be thoughtful. It also may be that they are looking to be around someone who is more entertaining. It's also true, that people are often attracted to those who appear confident, even if it's false confidence.
You are always good enough! Even if you're feeling nervous or shy, you are most definitely still good enough. If people are pressuring you to improve, there is a really good chance it's because they want to control you to a greater extent than they are capable of controlling themselves. If people really want you to improve, they will encourage you rather than pressure you.
Acting confident to avoid contempt or judgment, has limited success because often, others can sense that it is an act rather than a demonstration of genuine confidence.
Something that helps overcome social awkwardness is to genuinely care about the person you're speaking with. It's also perfectly okay to express your authenticity by admitting when you're feeling nervous. Confidence grows as you help others feel good about themselves.
You definitely deserve love, whether you are feeling confident or not.
Overthinking can be a problem, but sensitivity when combined with compassion for self and others, is a definite asset.
Please feel loved, because you are.
