I'm tired
It feels like everyday is getting worse.I can't get myself to fix my life because I'm tired of trying..I am trying and failing,trying and failing..for the past 5 years.Messages and sayings like "stay strong,life will get better" only annoy the heck out of me.I've written a long Reddit post last night with my story.I can't re-read it without feeling deeply ashamed of myself and my decisions.I'll post the link down below if someone is interested(I apologize if link sharing is against the rules).
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/91lus4/im_just_tired_of_existing/
I can only see life getting worse,and if I don't manage to enter collage next year,I'm pretty sure I'll kill myself.And no,I can't afford therapy or something(check reddit post for more details).This is my last stand.I honestly don't expect to succed,I'm just procratinating on what it's inevitable.And if I do succed,I'll just prolong my suffering because my depression won't get better.Now that I'm thinking about it,continuing to live and strive is meaningless.Whatever..
I'm spending these days mentally masturbating(mental masturbation=the act of engaging in useless yet intellectually stimulating conversations/scenarios, usually as an excuse to avoid taking constructive action in your life),hanging out with friends(of course,as a distraction),rewatch old videos over and over again or relisten to the same songs I've listend for years.I don't want to engage in anything new,not even watching a new YouTube video.There is nobody to offer me the emotional support that I need.The people that actually care about me are f-ed up too..my family and my friends.
I'm not really sure why I'm even posting this..Just to receive some pity from others I guess..Yea', that's the point..I'm ashamed of myself for even wanting pity.I don't even deserve that..My life is such a waste.
@Ryan047 I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. As easy as it is for me to say, I think changing the way you look at yourself and the way you look at life can have a huge impact on your life. I used to live everyday in fear, afraid that I was gonna lose people's trust and eventually end up alone. I lived like that for a while, living in fear and hating myself for all the stupid decisions I made, until someone told me that focusing on all the negative stuff in my life was only gonna hold me down and prevent me from moving forward. I found it easier to say I wasn't worthy of being alive and that I didn't deserve to be happy, it was so much harder to actually tell myself positive things. Positive messages can be annoying sometimes, but in a world filled with negativity, we need positivity to give us that hope, that balance which allows us to keep moving forward. Having negative situations/people in your life is a difficult thing to deal with, but there's people out there who do care about you and that you can talk to, including right here on 7 cups. I can't imagine how difficult things are for you, but please don't give up. I pray that things will get better for you.
@QuietMuse
How can I become more positive?Any habits or practices for this?
@Ryan047 I have a journal where I write positive things about my day and about myself to help me get out of the negative thought cycles I tend to get trapped in. I also love focusing on hobbies that I enjoy and having a self-care routine such as meditation, excercise, yoga, etc. Positive thinking cycles can be hard to achieve, it's something I struggle with a lot, but it isn't impossible. It takes a lot of focusing on positivity and even though we all have bad days and difficult experiences that we may still be dealing with, I always try to focus on what good came out of my hardships and remind myself to keep moving forward. Recognizing whenever you feel like you're going through or about to start a negative thought cycle can really help you with self-awareness and having control of the direction your mind goes, and meditation has honestly helped me with that because meditation involves trying to focusing on a single thing (such as breathing) and trying to notice whenever your mind begins to wander from that point of focus.
@Ryan047
As per my experience Positivity never comes in one day. It is a long time process. According to your post you are trying that mean you already crossed 20% path towards Positive and success. That is awesome. Now for reamining 80% you can keep patience and continue your try . Dont loose hope and keep faith on yourself. Tell your self you can do.
There is lots of things in Internet to achieve positivity. But I think there is no exercise or work make you positive untill your mind say "I am a Positive Person" . For me I did simple things : 1. Stay happy 2. Trust myself and 3. Do what ever I like( never care about other peoples judgement)
May be this things you can try.
Best wishes for your life.