Where to even begin

Hello everyone, I'm Dan. I'm new here (well, sort of — I believe I was part of 7cups many years ago when I was a teen), and I wanted to share a bit about what’s been going on. I've been in and out of therapy since I was around 15. There’s a lot I could go into from over the years, but for now, I’ll stick to the more recent events.

I have Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and non-epileptic seizures, both of which thankfully seem to be under control at the moment (apart from the constant fatigue). About a year and a half ago, I got out of an abusive relationship. I tried to start fresh by moving into a rental probably about 1hr away from where I’d lived with my ex, but things quickly became difficult. The online job I had suddenly ended, and I spent most of last year stuck in that house, unable to leave because I couldn’t afford to. The house itself was in terrible condition — full of damp and disrepair — and I experienced a few MS-related episodes there. One of the ambulance crews even suggested the environment might have been making things worse.

Eventually, I decided to move back up north to be closer to family, just in case anything happened again and I needed support. I managed to find another job last November, but it ended this month. The company said it was because the project had finished, but I know my productivity was lower than usual. It’s been really hard trying to stay focused while living in my sister’s busy house and hunting for a place of my own at the same time.

Now I’m back in a familiar situation — struggling to find work and worrying about money. I don’t want to end up stuck at home again, unable to afford to live or get help. I even thought about reaching out to my therapist recently, but I can’t afford to see her right now, and that’s left me feeling completely worthless.

Relationships have also been hard for me. It took me a long time to understand how healthy dynamics actually work. I was a people-pleaser and a pushover, which unfortunately made it easier for others to take advantage of me. I’m not perfect and I take responsibility for the times I could have done better, but even my therapist once told me that she’d never seen someone who had gone through life without truly experiencing love the way I have. She also suspects I may be high on the autism spectrum based on her experience with me.

I still want to find real love. I want to feel secure, both emotionally and financially. I’ve done extra training, tried different job-hunting strategies, and even started a YouTube channel that’s doing surprisingly well. But it requires investment, and with money so tight, I feel stuck. I’m 35, and most of my friends are settled professionals. I look at them and feel like I’ve failed in every direction. I’ve started to dissociate again, something I haven’t experienced in a long time. Lately, I’ve been going for long drives just to clear my head, and honestly, there are moments where I feel like closing my eyes and just disappearing.

Sorry for the long post — I really did try to keep it short. Thanks for reading.